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Confessional in Chile.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned….
Oh, I’ve sinned alright ! Don’t even get me started.
Not that I would. Is this the confessional ? I guess it’s the modern version
on the technological platform.

This diary is sorta in response to a comment made by jm214(do I miss the
reference to the personalized verision of the DD214?) in the diary-

Spectacularly-successful-the-AH-1-HueyCobra by Shortfinals.

Why ? I don’t really know.
WTH, It don’t mean nuthin, who gives a fu** ?
I guess I do.

I am really glad that jm214 made his comment. Kinda set me straight again.
Well, sorta. I have wrestled with the same feelings that jm214 expresses for the
last 43 years. Gone from hating what I did, to hating myself, to taking it out on myself
and all those around me, to finally(?) deciding that I have a split personality that on the
one side, is trained to kill and would do so at a moment’s notice(under the right circumstances),
 and the other side hates with all my soul what I have done and wouldn’t step on an ant or kill a
fly because of the respect I feel for his or her right to live. Who am I to make that decision ?

Am I alone in these feelings ? No. Every veteran of combat will feel some combination of the
feelings I have expressed here. Do I seek your sympathy ? Not at all. I made my choices and
believed in my government and paid the price, although not the ultimate price as so many
did. Just luck I guess. At least that’s the way it was described to me by my former company
commander when he finally found me via the internet. Took years of searching and without
the internet, he probably never would have. Thanks for inventing it, Al Gore !..LOL..
You have enabled many lost (but not the supreme loss)brothers to come together for reunions
and to cry together, and release some of that tension that has built up by not finding anybody
who  truly understands. Oh don’t get me wrong, there are still lots of those who buy the
government line, and express, my country, right or wrong. Lost souls, they are. Do they have
the  right to believe that as I hinted at above ? I haven’t figured that one out yet. Just don’t get
me around them too long, OR have them endanger my life.
So, as I said, WTH ?
As an aside, do I need counseling ? Done it, and done with it. The guy had no combat
experience . Maybe that didn’t matter. It did to me at the time.

Last year, my wife and I went to SE Asia and visited Thailand, Vietnam, and Lao(s).
If I agreed to go that far, I was going back to Vietnam, a place where many ghosts
live for me and in me.
Probably the best thing for those like me.  I do have to wonder though, has it caused me
to have more anxiety ? Seems like it sometimes. After a while though, it all just blends together
and I have to admit that I er…have some issues, as the modern folk would say. Fu** it ! Don’t
mean nuthin…. But it does. In SE Asia, I visited the most forgiving people imaginable. Our
guide in Vietnam actually stopped the car and asked those who he thought were old enough
to remember, where our base camp was. I was so humbled that words just do not come to
me to express how much I felt for those forgiving folks. This really changed me in a major way.
The people in Lao(s) were also wonderful to us and this after all the poor(literally) Laotians have
been through at the hands of the US. We dropped more tonnage of bombs on Laos in our
“Secret War” than in all of WW II ! Astounding ! As was the Plain of Jars where much of the bombing occurred. And yet, forgiveness and humbleness is what I witnessed. How can
this be ? Is it  belief in Buddha ? The poor oppressed people actually hid in caves to avoid
the bombs as well as the Pathet Lao.

I find myself heading towards too much anxiety in continuing so I guess I’ll take
my meds and get on with the daily living. I am fine and have a happy life, drug and alcohol
free(is there any difference between drugs and alcohol ??). Getting off them made a big difference in my life, but the medical  world says to substitute this drug for that so I am not so sure of that one either….
Oh well, at least I try to find happiness in all things now. It’s a better way of life and I am
done fighting.
jm214 is right about war and so am I.

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