Accidentally deleted a butt pic I need. If someone at NSA could send it to me that would be tops. You know the number.

Tom Cruise shilling for Walmart at their annual stockholder/employee propaganda rally...

George Orwell called it '1984', we call it 'XBox One'.

And God saw the light, and it was good. And God divided the light from the darkness and did another load of laundry.

When you get that feeling of self importance and think you have something to prove... don't. They won't buy it and they'll turn against you.

I just want someone to love me, laugh at my jokes, and make sure that a Mormon doesn't convert me after I'm dead.

Apparently, cans of worms cause a hell of a lot of problems.


Those last 10 lbs of dignity are always the hardest to lose.

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