I know this is hard to hear.  I understand you've been oppressed for 30, maybe even 50 years with having to contend with Clearly Racist tm Affirmative Action policies that ask public schools and government contractors to reach out and try to find qualified and competitive minority candidates.

It has to be so hard to have to compete with a few better motivated and generationally desperate candidates.  You have my condolences and sympathy.

I know that's such a burden to bear.  Sometimes you just want to scream, I'm sure.  Thank heaven and his highness Lord Voldemort that the U.S. Supreme Court decided to let a lower court decide on Fisher V University of Texas, or else that kind of thing would continue to spread like wildfire.

And to think, they're still taking away your Dad's hard earned tax money to feed those peasant inner city kids breakfast?  God darnit and tarnation can't those rat kids hunt down and cook their own breakfast every morning?  America wasn't made for moochers was it?

And the other thing the Demon-rats in Congress did. The Medicare.  I know we've got to put a stop to that too, but now isn't the time to belly ache about all the problems and burdens those other old people with their addiction and dependency on medicines and chemo have heaped on your back.

It's hard being you. I get it, really I do.

All those times police have completely ignored the pot in your backpack? Oh My God we can't put that at risk, can we?  Sorry, yes.  It's OVER. I know it's frightening, but y'know, things are just going to have to change.

Unfortunately time is up.  Now it's time to put down the bong and step away slowly Ralphie. This is an Intervention Junior.  Yes, sirree. Now is the time to take some Personal God-Flipping Responsibility. I mean IT! [Foot Stomp!]

You're going to have to straighten up.  Learn to speak proper (non-Anglican) English. Stop dropping your "R"s, and pronounce things right. I'm Talking to YOU Boston!! Fly Right, or face the consequences.

And you have to get your rabid violence problem under control.  We just can't have this.  I mean LOOK AT YOU PEOPLE.. it's a bloody disgrace.

I hear all this has something to do with one of your obscure White Cultural Rituals. They say it's sometimes called The Surfing of which I know nothing at all.  More White People stuff. Just can't understand why you White-folk just can use of boat or a floatee like normal flippin' people. Pfft.

Here The Gawker has the sad truth for you.

A frightening and violent mob swept through the normally quiet seaside community of Huntington Beach last night following a surfing competition in the area. Businesses were vandalized and looted, portable toilets overturned, and brutal fistfights waged right out in the open. It was an ugly display and a sad day for California. But more than that, it was a reminder that we must begin to seriously consider the values of our thuggish white youth.

Lindsay Lohan & Amanda Bynes, your days are numbered!

And it's apparently not the first time you White Animals have lost your collective minds.  Just look at this.. again in Huntington Beach back in 1986.

What. The. Hell. Is. WRONG. with. you. PEOPLE!???

Can't you just be a proper credit to your race and behave?. Look at those baggy shorts, it's embarrassing, for the love of Peter Criss' Sake.  Ach!  Where's the cooking sherry?

I can't take it. I'm gonna need some smelling salts with all this excitement.

Ugh, I'm tired already, seeing all this lawlessness has given me the vapors - where the Hecate is my fainting couch? - Accio Futon - ok, let me let Chris Hayes - one of your own - school and Whitesplain to you properly so you can't use the "Your just being mean to us White people cuz your NOT White" excuse.

No, I'm not playing the White Card.  My new Favorite White Friends Chris & Cord will explain it all to you in proper WHITE-enese.

More from Gawker.

Many people don't want to hear this kind of tough love, of course. They'd like to bury their heads in the sand and pretend that all white children are as sweet and harmless as Taylor Swift. But the reality is that the statistics tell a different story. For instance, according to research from the Department of Justice, 84 percent of white murder victims are killed by other white people [PDF]. Similarly, white rape victims tend to be raped by other whites[PDF]. White-on-white violence is a menace to white communities across the country, and yet you never hear white leaders like Pastor Joel Osteen, Bill O'Reilly, or Hillary Clinton take a firm stance against the scourge.

More important than white politicians are the white parents. I'd like to ask the caregivers of the children in these videos what they've been doing. When did so many white parents fall asleep at the wheel? You can complain about poor schools all you'd like, but the fact of the matter is that it's the parents of these children who are letting them leave the house looking like slobs in their baggy board shorts and Hollister t-shirts. It's the parents of these kids who are letting them listen to violent, self-destructive trash like "Anarchy in the UK" or "Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue"—performed loudly by noted conservative rocker Johnny Ramone.

It has to stop, it really does -  I'm sure I won't be able to look at another White-Boy in a Wife-Beater, Cargo Shorts and Flip-Flops the same way again.

Nope. Never again. How can any of us be safe with these surf hooligans around?

You can't be too careful, you never know when one of them - or a rabid pack of them - just might Flip OUT on you. It could happen.  It's happened before, it will happen again.

One last thing: WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP WITH THE HORRIBLE PUNK MUSIC?!  That noise is bloody awful.  Hey-Zus Christmas! Learn to tune, hit a note on pitch, or find a downbeat will you!!??


12:48 PM PT: Here's a little ditty for O'Reilly and @DonLemonCNN to rock out too...

Originally posted to Vyan on Wed Jul 31, 2013 at 07:35 AM PDT.

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