These days, I can burn carbon to my heart's content, because America is enjoying a new golden age of flammability.Video below the fold.
DAVID POGUE, NYT (12/30/2012): There are 36,000 fracking wells in this country. Thousands more open up every year. The price of natural gas has dropped 86% from its high in 2008. We're actually about to start exporting it.Yes, it's absolutely amazing. Energy is so cheap, I can finally realize my dream of making my furnace and air conditioner fight. (audience laughter) Who loves me more, boys?
MONICA CROWLEY (1/9/2013): You could wipe out the unemployment problem in this country overnight by fracking.
ANN McELHINNEY, "FRACKNATION" DIRECTOR (10/28/2012): It's an extraordinary ability now for America to extract its oil and natural gas and, you know, become, you know, energy independent. It's amazing, amazing for America.
America has found the goose that lays the golden egg. Unfortunately, it is pooping all over our house.LINK TV INTERVIEW: It killed the pond, it killed the fish, it killed everything in the pond, no frogs, no turtles, nothing.Now sure, maybe you can't wash your dishes anymore. (audience laughter) But, on the bright side, now you've got a kiln to make new ones. And come on, we're trying to throw a fracking party here, and these people are ruining it with their suffering. It's like going to a barbecue and seeing a video of factory farming. I don't want to meet all 400 cows in my burger.
NATURE ABOUNDS INTERVIEW: They're poisoning you. And they're telling you nothing's wrong. And you're the only one that has a problem.
PAT FARNELLI: My kids started getting sick early on in the drilling process. ... It's sort of like a very bad intestinal bug.
NBC (10/18/2012): The image of water catching fire in the documentary Gasland has come to symbolize the anti-fracking movement.
Now fortunately, folks, there's a way we can enjoy the fruits of fracking without feeling the guilt. And it brings us to tonight's Wørd: Gag Gift.
Folks, I'm a sensitive guy. I cried when those hunters shot Bambi's mother. They should've shot his dad; he's a 10-point buck. (shocked audience laughter)
So naturally, I was touched when I heard about a family living near a Pennsylvania fracking site who had to move because "air and water contaminants caused them to experience burning eyes, sore throats, headaches and earaches".
Ultimately, the family was able to get the company, Range Resources, to agree to an out of court settlement for $750,000 to relocate. Wow. For that kind of money, you could buy something nice. (Like A Respirator)
Now in return, the company simply asked for a signed statement from the family saying "that it suffered no environmental, health or safety impact from drilling adjacent to their property". (audience starts to boo) And to agree to "lifetime bans on what they can say". (audience boos some more) Because if a tree falls in the forest, and you pay the family who heard it not to talk, then it didn't make a sound. (Especially If It Falls On Them) (audience cheering and applause)
Now, no wonder gag orders like this are so common.MEGAN HUGHES, BLOOMBERG NEWS (6/6/2013): Bloomberg reviewed hundreds of regulatory and legal filings, and found drillers paying for silence over water contamination complaints in at least half a dozen states.They're everywhere. Paying for silence is catching on like tap fire! (Who Wants To Wash Marshmallows?!) (audience laughter) But folks, the fun part is that this gag order also included the family's two children, ages 7 and 10. Important lesson, kids. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. (First Rule Of Frack Club...) (audience laughter)
But even after they moved, these crybabies are crying about their babies, claiming that imposing a gag order on minors violates their First Amendment rights. But Judge Paul Pozonsky, who approved the settlement, had an airtight rebuttal, saying, "That's a law school question, I guess." (shocked audience laughter) Judge Pozonsky has since resigned. (Hopefully To Go To Law School) (audience laughter and applause)
Now the problem, I think, and this might just be me, the problem with enforcing a gag order on a 7-year-old is that for the rest of their lives, any time someone brings up fracking, the kids won't talk. But they'll have a haunted look in their eyes, like when you ask Vietnam vets about Agent Orange, or ask NBC executives about Donald Trump. (a.k.a. Agent Orange) (audience laughter and applause)
Now people might start to suspect that the kids think there's something wrong with fracking. We need some way to change what they think. Maybe, I dunno, maybe drill into their skull, and inject new thoughts into their brains under extreme economic pressure to shatter those old thoughts, and then extract positive messages about fracking. ("It's Helping The Earth Burp!") (audience cheering and applause)
Now I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wish there was a way my car could run by burning the innocence of children. (Tear Gas) (shocked audience response)
Anyway, in a way, it kinda does, because these companies are just asking for kids to lie for money. And in order to get cheap oil, I think we're all willing to lie to ourselves about fracking. (Gag Gift) And that's the Wørd. We'll be right back.