OK

Monday! Goldy and Fishy vanished under mysterious circumstances, many months ago. I will present the facts, and look forward to your conclusions.

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My DKos bio states that I have a husband, two kids, a dog, a cat, and two fish. Sadly, this is not currently a factual statement. Goldy and Fishy vanished one night.

Backstory: In March of 2005, I read a book on feng shui. It was fascinating. One of the things that brought good luck was a "kitchen goldfish." So I went to a pet store and bought Goldy for thirteen cents, plus a fishbowl, water treatment stuff, gravel, plants, and food. Goldy thrived, and grew as large as the bowl permitted, so not very big. I moved her into a large vase from Target. Unfortunately, they were fragile, and I broke three of them. Then I saw this in an aquarium store:

Fish tank with doomed goldfish
The gloriously gilded goldfish abode
It was verdigris at the time. This matched The Kitchen of Great Ugliness perfectly. The pot rack was verdigris. But it was still so magnificently hideous, I had to go home and think about it. Finally I decided that it was more magnificent than hideous, and bought it. We also bought Fishy, to keep Goldy company. I later gilded it to match The Beautiful New Kitchen, but I digress. On to the mystery!

Cast of Characters: (All names have been changed, except for Goldy and Fishy)

BadKitties: Hostess, long-suffering sounding board

Mr. BadKitties: Tall, dark, and devilishly handsome host

Lily: Old (not really, very early 40's) friend of BK's, house guest, mother of...

Duke: Age 3. Eventually went to bed in the guest room

Vanity: Aging, spoiled, exceedingly vain long-term acquaintance of BK. Drama queen.

Pugsley: Consort of Vanity. Ten years her junior, immature frat-boy surfer dude

Various party guests that departed by 2 am

Scenario: a highly successful party at the BK residence. BK and Lily had slaved away at hors d'oeuvres. Mr. BK poured with a heavy hand. There was much merriment. Alas, no one paid attention to Vanity. Not even Pugsley, who was surreptitiously eating all the shrimp.

Vanity was outraged. She tried flirting with Mr. BK, but got the evil eye from a dear friend of BK's. She skulked for a bit, floating around trying to make absurd pronouncements, but sadly lacked the wit to succeed. She eventually made her way to the garage, where BK and Lily were smoking cigarettes and engaged in a passionate political discussion.

Vanity announced that she had quit smoking. BK and Lily shrugged in unison. Undeterred, Vanity tried a new tack. She began to complain that BK was terribly, terribly rude and just did not appreciate Vanity. BK and Lily studiously did not look at each other, for fear of bursting into rude laughter. Vanity went on and on, ad infinitum, ad nauseaum, as BK and Lily yawned and smoked.

Pugsley came out to announce that everyone was leaving and all the shrimp was gone. Vanity told him to wait, she was talking. He said, "But, honey-baby-booboo, I'm tired." She said too bad. She was talking.

An hour later, Pugsley came out again. Mr. BK had gone to bed. Pugsley had finished all the carrots, cheese, crackers, and dip. Vanity told him to wait.

Another hour passes. BK and Lily are bored and tired. Vanity is yakking and yapping and mewling about herself. Pugsley says he wants to go home, it's 3:30 am. Vanity says Lily will drive her home. Lily looks startled, as does BK. Pugsley doesn't notice, says goodbye.

4:30 am. BK cannot take another moment of Vanity's whining. She is tired of being polite. Vanity is a damned bore and a self-centered, whiny one to boot. BK says she's going to bed, and Lilly isn't driving anyone anywhere. Vanity will have to call Pugsley. BK and Lily go to bed, free at last.

The next day: BK finds the green fish net on the stairs. Shakes her head, rinses it, puts away when dry.

Two days later: BK takes off the carved top of the fish tank. No Goldy and Fishy appear, making kissy faces. BK sprinkles the food through the hole in the clear acrylic top. No fish. BK slowly, carefully, pulls the tank out and looks for the fish. Not there. Takes off the clear acrylic top, takes the fish net, swishes it around. No fish. Unplugs the filter, removes it, stands on step stool, shines light inside "coral" column. No fish.

Goldy and Fishy are gone. BK removes the entire column from the tank, searches through the gravel. No fish. They have vanished.

Duke thanks Black Cat ate the fish. But Black Cat can't take off two tops, and can't hold the fish net.

BK sends Vanity a text: "Hi sweetie! Could you please ask Pugsley if he has any idea what might have happened to Goldy and Fishy? I can't find them. Thank you!"

Vanity rudely replies, "Have you lost your mind?"

BK thinks, okay, this woman is not only staggeringly stupid, but hypocritically rude. She kept me and Lily up until 4:30! And we were too polite to tell her to STFU and go home! BK replies, "No."

Vanity then says, "Pugsley says have you lost your mind?"

BK says, "Such a lovely couple. Whatever. Bye." She has not spoken to Vanity since.

So: did idiot, shrimp-gobbling Pugsley eat poor, helpless little Goldy and Fishy as revenge for ...? As a stupid frat-boy surfer dude prank? Because he was still hungry after eating two pounds of shrimp?

Or...what? How did Goldy and Fishy disappear?

Poll

How did Goldy and Fishy disappear?

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| 18 votes | Vote | Results

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