Once there was a plucky young lad who was born in Canada. Steeped in the gentle traditions of our friendly neighbor to the north, he wanted to bestow upon his adopted homeland the benefits of the land of his birth. A smart young lad, Ivy League schooled, a minority in a land where minorities were not always welcome, he wanted to bring the benefits of single-payer health care and a beer-intensive diet to his fellow man.
But he knew that the path would not be an easy one. There were entrenched, established interests in America against single-payer health care. He knew that in order for his point of view to be taken seriously, he would have to destroy the opposition by making them seem unable to govern in a responsible fashion. He despaired of his goal.
Then, one night, whacked out on Molson and listening to the Arrogant Worms after a triple OT playoff match between the Nordiques and the Oilers, the answer hit him like a bolt of lightning from the beautiful northern sky. He would infiltrate the enemy himself and turn their powers against themselves!
The first step was simple. Move to Texas and act like a frothing lunatic. This pose instantly made him a serious political candidate in that yahoo-infested loony bin. He was rewarded by being elected a senator. Now a member of the most exclusive deliberative body in the world, his job was even easier. Convince the lunatic fringe in the House of Derpresentatives to shut down the government over a bill that had already passed and had withstood constitutional and legislative challenges for half a decade. Luckily, this body was chock-full of the same sort of chuckleheads who had voted him into the Senate. They even went further than he intended, spouting their intention to allow the American government to default on its debts.
As he lay in his bed at night, staring at the ceiling with his warm, dopey, Canadian eyes, Ted Cruz smiled to himself. He had wrought the downfall of one of the most enduring political parties of the last two centuries. The party of Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Eisenhower would soon be relegated to the dustbin of history. And in its place, shining like the northern lights of his beloved homeland, would stand an edifice which not even the lost dewey-eyed progressive would have dreamed of a few years back.
"They'll pay," he whispered. "They'll all pay. Single Payer, that is. When the economy tanks following the default and the Republicans are run out in 2014, and Hilary is elected in a landslide in 2016, America will go to a single-payer health care system. And no one will know that it was the doing of a man from Calgary. Him. And his dream.
"It was almost TOO easy.