POLITIFORMERS: Robots our demise!
[ Part I - II - III - IV - V ]

Little did you know, but many of our most prominent politicians are actually super-powerful robots, hiding in our midst. This series profiles the Politiformers in the first decade of the new millennium, the Republicons and the Demobots.

Here in Part II be the Republicons who carried out their unfeeling schemes of exploitation, or who at least tried to real hard but then ran into some feeble remnants of objective reality and quit and bailed. It was a Reagan-era act of deregulation (98 FCC 2d 1076 [1984, PDF], to be exact) that set these awesome, er, loathsome automatons off and running rampant. Behold:

Decepticans, whatever—you don't even really have to change the name.
Evil, or incompetent? Haha, trick question! Gotta say, this whole thing kind of breaks down from the get-go when you consider that the make-believe cartoon characters actually fight in their own wars. But hey, you go to metaphor with the robot army you have, not the robot army you might want. Careful, or you might start to question why some of the Politiformers' transformations aren't really much of a disguise. Anyways... Republicons, ATTACK!


ewt Gingrich/Starscream
Always trying to stage some kind of coup, he flails about, makes a lot of noise, never lets his obvious faults get in the way of calling others out on them, and has no compunction about going after Politiformers on his own team. When he does manage to take over, the whole thing goes to hell in a hurry. Amazingly, enough Republicons continue to pay him sufficient heed that he can keep coming back for more.


John Ashcroft/Thrust
Cone-headed and ugly, but complicated, he did his best work while out of commission in the heavy maintenance hangar. (By the way, why am I getting the idea that these guys were all made from the same mold?) All that aside, you should hear him sing the glories of flight!


Sarah Palin/Laserbeak
"Squaaaaawk! I can hear planet Russia from my tape deck!" That's great. Now cut it out with the buzzing around and gratuitously firing lasers at hapless critters. And don't look now, but a bird of a feather brings ill portent for your political future.


Tom DeLay/Bombshell
His favorite trick is to implant a "brain bug" remote-control device into other robots: "You must hire Republicons, you must hire Republicons..." One kind of gets the feeling that, had he more self-awareness about being a beetle, it would wipe that grin off his face and actually bring about overwhelming self-loathing, although I can't quite put my rolled-up newspaper on why.


John McCain/Astrotrain
Ah yes, a triple-changer: "I'm an mavericky moderate! I'm a rabid, reckless right-winger!" (On second thought, don't watch that video.) "But wait, I'm also a corporate hack! Whatever, you morons, I have it all, get out of the way and put me in charge!" I mean, really, a steam locomotive? Talk about obsolete thinking.


Mitt Romney/Cyclonus
Perpetually sleek, cynical, and insincere, nobody likes him. And yet, he could be powerful someday, out of sheer wealth and persistence. Or not.

Pro tip: Mouse over the images and wait a sec to see the pre-mashup names.

This is the second in a five-part daily series exposing the long-held secrets of the Politiformers:
I.   Republicons - Sorcerers of Mass Destruction
II.  Republicons - Pillage of the Damned
III. Demobots - Inauspicious Study of Discernible Reality
IV. Demobots - The Best and the Shiniest
V.  The Rest of Us - Some Robots Are More Equal Than Others
Each part will be posted at 7:30 PM PST on consecutive days. Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting episode of... the Politiformers!
Obtain the author's permission before reproducing this article in large part or in full. All Transformers comparisons in this post refer to (and in turn parody!) the "Generation 1" cartoon and movie (1984-1987). Imagery sourcing is fair use due to parody/commentary purpose, small size, and new composition.
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