In light of a federal appeals court ruling reinstating much of Texas' restrictive and indisputably politically-motivated anti-abortion measure I find myself wishing, even more than usual, that I had a joint bank account with the Koch brothers. Or Sam Walton was my grandpa. Because if I had Bill Gates- or Warren Buffet-type cash, I would be able to stand up and declare, "Abortions for all."
There is a large faction of patriots in this country that loves to praise personal freedom and lament government intrusion into our private lives. Ironically, it seems this demographic somehow overlaps with those crusading against legal abortion (plus it turns out much of the "pro-life" contingent also supports the death penalty). But, doublethink has always been a hallmark of the anti-abortion club.
And with my billions in tow I would rise to make my own freedom-loving pledge to anybody who wants an abortion: "I am footing the bill. I will charter a damn plane if I have to, to connect you with the abortion doctor of your choice, to conveniently terminate your fetus."
And until every last politically-driven abortion restriction, from Ohio to Wisconsin to North Carolina to Texas to so many more states is done away with, I would allocate bottomless dollars to do everything I could to drive up abortion rates across these United States.
My fortune would be funding television commercials and billboards from coast to coast, promoting abortion as the clear and best choice for pregnant women. At the movies, between previews, you'd see professionally produced pro-abortion 30-second spots. Not before NARAL and Planned Parenthood are roundly satisfied with regulations in all 50 states, would I stop. One trip to city hall to handle the red tape and my first, middle and last names would be legally changed to "Abortion On Demand."
I can never remember which apocryphal Gospel imparted the holy wisdom, "[i]f you can't beat 'em, join 'em," but I would emulate the anti-abortion crew which does not hesitate to mislead, distort and outright lie at every turn. Had I not just changed my middle name, I would make it "disingenuous" and promote a pro-choice version of the kinds of incredulous hypocrisy that Jon Stewart thrives on.
Money decides more than just elections and if I had Mark Zuckerberg's wallet, I swear I'd channel Glenn Beck's liberal doppelganger and have half of America believing that annual abortions raise your IQ while promoting healthy weight loss. We all remember the medical insight of Michele Bachmann (who is also adamantly anti-abortion) explaining how vaccinations, which actually prevent disease and death, can cause autism.
And if you rely on pro-life propaganda, you've probably heard the desperate hope that somehow abortion can cause breast cancer. But if you prefer medical experts, you might know the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists took one look at the "evidence" supporting that theory and added, "More rigorous recent studies demonstrate no causal relationship between induced abortion and a subsequent increase in breast cancer risk."
If the Fox News Channel has taught us anything--an open question with so many studies concluding and confirming that watching Fox News reduces your knowledge--it's that we will believe anything we're told that is said with confidence. By the time I finish my Fox News-style billion-dollar abortion campaign, I'd have large voting blocs understanding abortion to be women's special gift invented by Jesus Christ.