Last night, Stephen Colbert lamented how a budget deal was reached with Paul Ryan's help.


BRET BAIER: Congressional leaders have agreed to a new budget deal.  The pact is supposed to eliminate the continuous cycle of standoff and government shutdown threats.

FOX NEWS ANALYST: They are calling it the Bipartisan Budget Act of 2013.

MARA LIASSON: They actually passed a budget.  I mean, the fact that we have to applaud that is unbelievable, but it's a good thing.  They're actually doing their job.

Wrong!  It is not a good thing, and they are not doing their jobs!  Americans sent Republicans to Washington to accomplish one thing — zero things.  But with this bipartisan budget, we'll have no chance of another government shutdown for two whole years.

You fools!  You can't leave our national parks open that long!  It'll give the wolves time to unionize!

(audience laughter and applause)

And what I don't get here is that there were plenty of good conservative budget plans out there.


SEAN HANNITY: Penny plan is, you drop a penny out of every dollar Washington spends, every year for five years.

STUART VARNEY: One penny, in every dollar, for five straight years.  Everybody.  Across the board.  This is the budget, live with it.


STUART VARNEY: Now that implies discipline.

Yes, the penny plan implies discipline, just as Stu Varney's accent implies intelligence.  (audience laughter)  In fact, I'll tell you what, folks, I got an even better penny plan for you.  You just fill a jar with pennies, and whichever government agency can guess how many there are wins the jar... which is now their budget.  (audience laughter and applause)

(thinks and counts)  Eight.

And what really hurts is who stabbed us in the fiscal back — Republican Congressman and Reagan tribute scout Paul Ryan.  Just listen to the lame way he defends himself from real conservatives.


JOE SCARBOROUGH: Marco Rubio said this, though, last night.  "[Your] deal is going to make it harder for Americans to achieve the American dream".  What would you say to Marco?

REP. PAUL RYAN, R-WI: Ah, read the deal, and get back to me.

"Read the deal, and get back to me"?  The gall!  Listen, buddy.  I don't have to read a bipartisan budget to know I despise it, any more than I need to read Harold and the Purple Crayon to know it ends with Harold coming out as a lesbian.  (audience laughter)  OK?  It's all about "boundless imagination", also known as scissoring.  (shocked audience laughter)

So if you'll excuse me, there's something I have to do.

OK, I can't believe... I can't believe... can't believe I hung this poster on the ceiling of my dream closet.  I guess it's time for a new 2016 fantasy candidate.  (puts sticker on poster)

Oh Ted Cruz!  Oh Ted Cruz, you'll never betray me.  Oh, Ted!  Have you been working out?

Video below the fold.

Stephen also looked at some health news in another Cheating Death segment.
Both Stephen and Jon talked about Megyn Kelly's comments about Santa being black, with Jessica Williams chiming in as well.
Lewis Black also talked about the kind of technology he'd been promised that we'd have by now when he was younger.
Stephen talked with author George Packer, and Jon talked with actress Evangeline Lilly.

Originally posted to BruinKid on Fri Dec 13, 2013 at 09:10 AM PST.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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