OK

This has been a new game for me to alleviate any crippling anxiety I may be experiencing.  I tend to dwell and I tend to dwell on the things I can’t control sometimes.  With all this change in my life, everything seems to be up in the air.  Divorce, weight loss, new job and a totally new direction in life, it’s just all in flux.  So anything else that happens that is new that has more than one possible scenario, my mind goes a million miles a minute.  I find I have to quell the cacophony of possibilities or I will drive myself into the ground.

It’s more complicated than this though.  With the new exercise routine I have new found energy.  With new energy, I also have a lot of extra energy that I haven’t quite learned what to do with.  It leaves me with a lot of extra wheels to spin.  I’m just wound pretty tight.

And yes, I’m trying meditation, I’ve added some essential oils to my nighttime routine, chamomile tea and unfortunately I’ve been experiencing insomnia, which is completely new to me.  Just six months ago, I would joke that I was probably narcoleptic, being able to sleep a ridiculous number of hours and at any time of the day.

So, when this new and exciting scenario presents itself and yet terrifies me with its endless possibilities, I journal.  And I ask myself, “What’s the worse thing that could happen?”  It’s that simple.

Fortunately, I’m not one to ruminate on the actual worse case scenarios.  

So, I go on an amazing date and the guy never calls me back?  Someone better comes along.

I actually never go on another date again in my entire life?  I hang out with my incredibly amazing self and accomplish awesome things in my life.  Yes?  Okay, sure, I’d be lonely, but I know I’d make the most of it.  Because, well, I truly believe at the core of who I am, that’s what I would do.

And this exercise has found me digging for really great alternatives rather than the truly shitty ones.  It showed me that, at the heart of who I am, I am an optimist.  And what I really want for myself, is true happiness.  IN the end, I am the one responsible for that, and only myself.  

I also believe that my lack of writing has contributed to the amazing amount of tension I’m finding in my gut.  There’s so much I want to express, it’s really just part of my makeup.  I’m compelled to share, I can’t suppress it, when I do, it makes me physically ill.  And I don’t mean sharing deep dark and inappropriate secrets (although there is nothing wrong with that either, I just would never publicly bare those particular missives), but really just writing down what I’m feeling and thinking.  It’s cathartic and it’s  so much less harmful on a piece of paper or computer screen than it is stirring around in the deep folds of my cerebral cortex.

But I still have yet to get my blog up and running and that does make me anxious.  What’s the worst that could happen?  I have to post it here :)

Originally posted to Ellinorianne on Sun Jan 05, 2014 at 11:48 AM PST.

Also republished by Community Spotlight.

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