So I have a court date now for SSDI.
I'm scared shitless.
This coming Monday I go to see my lawyer and update everything and talk about it and all that. But I'm a worrier by nature - so to have this date looming at me is as much stress - if not more - than not having a date at all.
There is a sense of relief in knowing that some sort of resolution will be forthcoming and I can plan on going home. But there is a big difference in how that will happen and what the future holds based on the outcome.
If I win, I can get a better used vehicle, not worry about gas prices, the cost of a storage unit, tackle the boat and get on with living my life. Sure there will be lots of work involved and setting up doctors appointments and settling back in - but I'll be home and ok and able to pay my bills and not worry about things, just keep going. For my purposes I will be wealthy - though I will still be under the federal poverty line. But I'll be able to manage for years to come, because I have low expenses and plan to keep it that way.
Without - I'm just going back to uncertainty. Yes, I will be home, where I can breathe and walk safely and have friends and my own space - but no idea how I will pay for the slip or the power or the little things that come up. I can get Medicaid - which means I can continue my treatment and probably even appeal again - fighting to keep my head above water and hoping that I can keep going. But I won't have the relief of knowing I will be able to manage on my own.
I've reached a point here where I'm not getting any better and I'm actually losing ground. Two more meds have been added to the tray of doom, I feel like I rattle when I walk. ColCatLady has snuck another cat inside - so we are back to 13 indoor again, and my breathing is suffering. I'm depressed. The music is back. The birds outside this morning woke me up with a screaming fight telling each other to fuck off, no YOU fuck off. And I'm still pushing 300lbs and having a hard time getting my ass to go to the gym, even though my parents bought me a membership. (It's a national chain, there is one not far from where I live in Oregon as well) So I'm not doing well - and the best I can get here is maintenance treatment. And it sucks.
I'm losing whole days, just in a fog all the time. I missed my class this week because I didn't realise it was Tuesday - and I had been looking forward to class starting again after the holidays.
So that's where I'm at. Worried and losing ground. I just want it to be over. Preferably in my favour.