OK

So I have a court date now for SSDI.

I'm scared shitless.

This coming Monday I go to see my lawyer and update everything and talk about it and all that.  But I'm a worrier by nature - so to have this date looming at me is as much stress - if not more - than not having a date at all.

There is a sense of relief in knowing that some sort of resolution will be forthcoming and I can plan on going home.  But there is a big difference in how that will happen and what the future holds based on the outcome.

If I win, I can get a better used vehicle, not worry about gas prices, the cost of a storage unit, tackle the boat and get on with living my life.  Sure there will be lots of work involved and setting up doctors appointments and settling back in - but I'll be home and ok and able to pay my bills and not worry about things, just keep going.  For my purposes I will be wealthy - though I will still be under the federal poverty line.  But I'll be able to manage for years to come, because I have low expenses and plan to keep it that way.

Without - I'm just going back to uncertainty.  Yes, I will be home, where I can breathe and walk safely and have friends and my own space - but no idea how I will pay for the slip or the power or the little things that come up.  I can get Medicaid - which means I can continue my treatment and probably even appeal again - fighting to keep my head above water and hoping that I can keep going.  But I won't have the relief of knowing I will be able to manage on my own.

I've reached a point here where I'm not getting any better and I'm actually losing ground.  Two more meds have been added to the tray of doom, I feel like I rattle when I walk.  ColCatLady has snuck another cat inside - so we are back to 13 indoor again, and my breathing is suffering. I'm depressed.  The music is back.  The birds outside this morning woke me up with a screaming fight telling each other to fuck off, no YOU fuck off. And I'm still pushing 300lbs and having a hard time getting my ass to go to the gym, even though my parents bought me a membership. (It's a national chain, there is one not far from where I live in Oregon as well) So I'm not doing well - and the best I can get here is maintenance treatment.  And it sucks.

I'm losing whole days, just in a fog all the time.  I missed my class this week because I didn't realise it was Tuesday - and I had been looking forward to class starting again after the holidays.

So that's where I'm at.  Worried and losing ground.  I just want it to be over. Preferably in my favour.

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