All true Americans should enjoy this story. I feel safer and strangely stirred in a patriotic way.
I sat at one end of a very long table across from the two most humorless and terrifying people I've ever met: square jaws, frozen eyes, buzz cuts, and the kind of presence that can only be cultivated by people who know they're allowed two freebie kills every year. I've forgotten their names at this point because my brain must be worried that if I accidentally remember them I'll get subpoenaed again. Let's call them Agents Hardass and EatShit.Please follow above link to full story: it is glorious. Truly an "Alice's Restaurant" for our current age - someone needs to set this sucker to music.
"Are you going to be punished professionally for writing this article?" Agent Hardass asked. It should be noted that I'm not dropping you into the middle of this "scene." That was the first question asked. That happened before we even introduced ourselves. That was the icebreaker.
Wiggle past squiggle for every hippie's most fevered nightmare.
"Definitely not a terrorist; ask my mom."The thought of the poor Secret Service agent that would have their day ruined by calling my "raised on the NYC streets, militant feminist Irish-Catholic, raised a dozen or so kids plus the neighborhood orphans all while having a full-time job" mother and asking if one of her kids "is a terrorist?"
"OK, I will. Please write down her number."
"Shit, really? OK, she's going to freak out when she hears about this, so if you could also mention that I look very healthy and I clearly haven't been smoking, I think it'd really-"
Oh, I would demand the recording of that fun. I would play it at parties.
Please, read the full article. It's funny and important.