My buddy said ice cream sandwiches aren’t real sandwiches, and now I have to spend the rest of our lives pretending he’s not dead to me.
The other day I heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.
I made a 6x8in card with “4 out of 10" printed on it. I flash it at strangers and leave them forever wondering how they could’ve scored better.
"Dad, did you adopt me?"
Of course not
We stole you
From a hospital nursery
You gonna finish that burrito?
High-five a garbage man today! They're disposing of the evidence for you!