Among the last words this psychiatrist told me in 1968 when he planned out my whole life was that I would be a blithering idiot when he was done with me, before that, that I was going to die of a brain tumor. So, now, 2014, he is busy building the tumor that will be blamed for turning me into an idiot. I forgot everything, until things happen, then remember. Now I am in the midst, being gassed with various gasses and head-laser-ed, it feels like. My house is rigged and I need to start keeping track.
The beginning of the building of the brain tumor and the gassing began Sept. 10, 2013, my husband's birthday. My glass of wine tasted funny, unreal. I thought I may have been poisoned. This was the first scare. The plan for this, of which the Psychiatrist said there is a script for this whole thing from which he reads and follows, (IT is all planned out in detail) is to scare you so you run around making all these complaints but there is never any evidence so after awhile no one takes you seriously anymore. You must be crazy.
Evening, 8:00 am or so. June 20, 2014: This morning 3:00 am about...woke to heavy smelling gas in my room about three feet off the floor. Have been sleeping on the floor since before Christmas either with my nose under the bed, or, on the other side of the bed under the window. As I get up I can smell the heavy stuff. When there is gas in the room he, Dr. W. by remote control, or some timer he has set up, sets my heart on race so I will breath more of the stuff. This wakes me up so I am able to avoid some. I get a drink and step outside to the patio to see if the air smell different and it lacks an odor except some yard dampness. I wait a bit and return to the room and the floor under the window. Thinking how to get out of this. My husband sleeps down the hall and smells nothing. Sleep and then 5:30 am. The room is full of linden tree blossom scent. The linden trees are in bloom and their scent wafts down CC Drive in the warm Salt Lake City eves but it has never entered my room at 5:30 am before. It is another gas disguised with the scent. I step out in the patio, it is not there although sometimes gas is sprayed out there.
June 21, 2014: 12:33 am awoke to a piercing above the right temple of my head. Becoming conscious, I remember to move my head several inches. After 15 to 30 seconds, the piercing goes away.
Just now typing, it is 11:03 am, a pressure on the back of my head has made me literally fall asleep for a few seconds, almost like passing out. I still feel the pressure and my ears are ringing a little louder which might indicate gas in the room. The laptop is in the room between my husband's and my own. This room has two windows high on one wall without near the possibilities of air circulation my own room has. Pinging my head while I am at the computer, while I am doing dishes, and while I am at church, all the places where I am likely to be holding my head still began before Christmas. Now it feels like my head is surrounded with something and my skin is tightening, my cells shrinking.
Rising at about 5:30 am the room smelled of Linden blossom again only twice as strong as yesterday and so does the patio. So does the breezeway between the garage and the kitchen. Everywhere. Dr. W. must have read what I wrote yesterday. There is a lot of faking going on. It might have been just the scent but was planted. WE have lived here about 27 years. The house must have been rigged before we moved in. In 1968 it was under construction. We moved in about 1986 purchasing it from a family named Read.
June 28, 2014 8:32 PM Some days I am too light headed to write or my eyes are not working...Today I went to Church 12:10 Eucharist. I am trying to go to church as long as possible. Smelling gas in the car on the way down. I fought off drowsiness and light headiness opening the car window and turning on the fan but the fan barely worked and the 80 degree air was still even as I drove. The gas made me feel as if I was separate from myself. I felt the light texture and never detected any scent. At about midnight last night, I woke to go to the bathroom. When I lay down again, i heard a click then a whoosh sound near where i was. I changed places.
I am in some building, I think now at the U of U, sitting in this metal chair with a device with holes to my right from which a drug is dispensed into the air I breathe. I never see Dr. W's face. He is pointing to a drawing of a standard woman's face. "This is your face"' he says. " I am going to draw lines on both cheeks. And lets see, a line down from your right eye so it will sag. Three dots on your nose so the blood can run up to your brain. You will see this bump on your nose. Two dots above your upper your lip and two dots below your lower lip. And here..." He draws a crooked line from the right corner of my mouth down and left little. He explains to me that I will have lines all over my face and my skin will become leathery and it will get worse and worse.
5 July 2014, 9:04 PM. Day and night heavy oily acrid gas on my lips in my lungs. If I move it follows me. If I wash my head and hair I can gt rid of much of it. I've learned it helps to wear something on my head. My straw hat is good. A piece of polyester, a man made fabric with something like plastic in it is good.
Someone told me once that birds can be hijacked and made to fly where one wishes by attaching a small machine to their wing. Dr. W. called my attention to one, a gray peculiar ugly bird that would be perched on a branch some 30 feet from my window. I saw it some two months ago and it's sad wing was hanging down. I guess it was sent to scare me and drive me nuts.
Last night a small but pure white Dove appeared in the back yard and perched in the birch tree just below the still sun lit moon crossing the blue sky to the west. I tried to get David to come and see it. He was in the bathroom. I got my throwaway camera and tried to get the flash working as the shadows were increasing. Then I saw the hanging wing. The Dove struggled to take flight, flapping frantically finally gained and was gone east over the overgrown Arbor Vitae. Then I remembered Dr. W. in 1968 "What would make you think that God chose you as a female Jesus." I wasn't serious "Oh a White Dove comes out of the sky." Machine enslaved birds. Such the machinations of evil.
Late in the night I woke struggling against something being pushed up my left nostril past the breathing point. How does he do this? My guess is a tiny drone. Dr. W. has boasted of such. The rest of the night thick heavy often smoky or sickeningly sweet fumes followed me where ever I moved. Today I was sick into the afternoon, slow, nauseous, my ears ringing more than ever. I thought of going to the Instacare clinic. The place would be jammed as it is a Saturday of a 4th of July Weekend. A month or so ago I went to the U of u hospital emergency. I explained I was afraid I had breathed too much gas in my room and wanted them to check my blood. The young man asked me what kind of gas it was. I don';t know, I answered. The doctors don't know what kind of gas it is and so they say they don't know what to look for in my blood. The worst always comes on holidays and weekends.
23 July 2014, Wednesday
March or April of this year my nostril was cut inside, by a laser perhaps, to open it up to gather gas fumes into my brain faster. It also increases my sense of smell so the garbage can, gas from cars, etc. smell especially strong. And now I smell and feel the effects of what seems as low level of some kind of gas always on in the house, during the news, etc., filling my nose and head. My husband never smells it but falls asleep and his skin is corroding. He moves slower and slower and looks less and less healthy. I try to convince him the gas is hurting us but he doesn't believe me. " I feel fine," he says," it is just old age."
29 August 2014 Friday
Have been keeping a log of smells and fumes for an ENT doctor. Things have gotten worse yet I feel I have survived. My body insists on fighting the gasses and attacks on my head and now shoulders and neck as if to tighten the neck entrance to my brain. I went to 'Ask a Doctor' on line. I asked for a neurosurgeon. They gave me a doctor who wouldn't answer my question but said I should see a psychiatrist about these "thoughts" i am having, then later, i should see a neurologist about having seizures.
Now something has happened to my water. My dog drank out of the hose as always only now barfs orange liquid afterward. My lawn is turning orange. I am buying water for drinking and eating and the dog also. I am running out of time and want to publish this now hoping to add more soon.
Mon Sep 01, 2014 at 7:37 PM PT: I.had written an update ten minutes ago and it was just interrupted, with some ad by whoever is always jerking my computer around. Sept. 1st, 2014 Labor day. 8:32 PM Mountain time. Came back to see if it was still there but I was still writing and failed to save it. Anyway, my right eye is beginning to sag as I was promised. It looks smaller than my left. This will make me look more idiotic and less believable