Goodness gracious, now South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has to go all the way to Argentina to get laid.... Nevada Senator John Ensign porks the wife of his Chief of Staff.... Louisiana Senator David Vitter likes to piss in his diapers, and then do only god only knows what with the prostitute who put the diapers on him..... Former New York Congressman Vito Fonsella had a wife at home with kids in Staten Island - and a mistress with a kid in D.C.... Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig gets his jollies in men’s restrooms at airports... Reverend Ted Haggart..... Former Mayor of New York City Rudy Giuliani.....Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley.....ya-di da-di da,... etc.... etc,... etc...
For anyone interested in all of the Republican who were involved in sex scandals, Abundibot had posted an excellent diary the other day entitled "Family Values" People Who Turned Out... Interesting with a list of Republicans who have transgressed over the past few years, and I counted about ninety six names on his diary list, and the commentators suggested even some more that could be added.
The party of the self-righteous, holier-than-thou-I-accept-Jesus, televangelistic, exurban-megachurch, bible-thumpin’, god-fearing-Christian, teach-the-kids-abstinence-only-no-condoms-no-birth-control, it’s-okay-to-murder-anyone-who’s-a-female-health-care-provider, we-are-the-real-and-only-America, tea-baggin, f**kin’-socialist-ni**er-illegal-President-Obama, it’s-time-to-cede-from-the-union, get-my-gun, take-your-god-damned-stimulus-and-shove-it, sanctimonious, family-values-with-three-divorces-and-on-the-fourth-marriage, teh-gays-are-ruining-the-institution-of-marriage Republican crowd just doesn’t know when to stop with these sex scandals.
I just know that there's probably gonna be another one ready to pop just around the bend here.
So it's predictions time. With all of the SNARK that I can muster up, and in the spirit of David Letterman, here are my top ten predictions of the next Republican sex scandal, with headlines and accompanying article and all.
10. Pharmacist of Ex-President George W. Bush
Breaks All Ethics and Sells his Story to the Tabloid.
The pharmacist of Ex-President George W. Bush faces possible criminal charges for revealing the prescription medications that he filled for the former president. He told reporters that Viagra and Cealis in full strength and in large quantities were always first on the list. Other meds that the pharmacist says that he sent over were Demoral, Fentanyl Oxycontin, Dilaudid, Desoxyn, Adderal, Ritilin, Tuinal, Seconal Marinol, and LSA. The pharmacist also informed us that there were a number of instances where he stated to the White House that they did not produce Quaaludes anyone, and a couple of times he said that Bush himself would get on the telephone and say "Do you know who I am. Now you get me some, because you don’t know what I can do to you." Then the president would forget to hang up the telephone, and the pharmacist said that he heard Bush ask his aide if Laura had left on her errand that he sent her on.
The pharmacist also told the tabloid that the delivery person, when he was delivering the medications to the back door of the White House, noticed that cases of wines and spirits were also being delivered. And at the same time. a bunch of young girls, whom the delivery man swears he’s seen on the internet under the escort services, would arrive at the back door and go in as well.
9. The Young Cons and the Second Amendment.
A major internet magazine reports that they sat down in an interview with "Stiltz" a.k.a. Joshua Andrew Riddle and "Serious C" a.k.a, David Issac Ruffle, the rap duo known as The Young Cons. Our interviewer found out that "Stiltz" and "Serious C" are much more involved in each other lives than just rapping. As conservatives, you will find them strong advocates for gunowner's rights – and they practice what they preach as they often handle each others loaded pistols, making sure that they keep them firing. It feels really good to do a lot of shooting with my partner, both members of the group seem to convey. As on their website:
"if doing it is wrong, we don’t want to be right"
8.Rush Limbaugh Fined $20,000 by the Court for Instigating a Frivolous Lawsuit.
Claims doctor removed his testicles without his knowledge.
Rush LImbuagh was fined $20,000 for filing a frivolous lawsuit aginst a doctor that he claimed removed his testicles without his permission. The doctor, who was giving Rush his check-up, said on the witness stand that Rush is just unable to see "down there" and that can easily happen to men of his shape. Later, the judge, attorneys, and Rush went into the judges chamber. A microscope was later sent into the chamber. When the parties returned back inside the courtroom, that’s when the judge slapped Rush with the fine. The judge also ordered he be tested for drugs.
7. Michele Bachman Arrested in Undercover Sex Sting.
Michele Bachman was arrested in a sting operation that involved an attempt to pay for sex with an underage prostitute. Police broke in to a hotel room and apprehended Bachman as she was wearing only her underwear, handing over money, and describing exactly what she expected from the girl she believed to be fifteen years old. Witnesses reported that Bachman was lead away screaming about the un-American Democratic members of congress, re-education camps, and the evils of filling out census forms.
6. Sean Hannity Brought to Mental Hospital. Flips Out while Taping Show.
TV host Sean Hannity of Fox News was taping in his Washington D.C. studio today when witnesses say he just stood up and yelled "I can't take this anymore." He then proceeded to rip off all of his clothing, and went dashing wildly into the streets, completely naked screaming and yelling profanities. He would stop off every so often in front of groups of people, put his hands on his hips, and wag his penis in front of them. (The above picture was snapped by a tourist with camera handy.) Police later restrained the naked Hannity as he continued to scream and swear at them, and immediately the police knew to bring him to the local mental hospital. Leading psychiatric experts attribute Hannity's behavior to a condition called conserwingnutnentia, a condition that occurs when when there is too much strain on a person's cognitive dissonance. One mental health expert even predicted that we could see much more of these type of episodes.
5. Church No Longer Welcomes Pat Boone.
Pat Boone has been dismissed from his long time church, The Church on the Way in Van Nuys, California. A church official discovered Mr. Boone in a back room of the Chruch. There, the official said, he observed Mr. Boone with his pants down, his hand on his erection, and "spilling his seed" into the sacred materials that would be shared by all those who would participate in the Eucharistic celebration at a church service later in the day. One parishioner commented that this wasn't the first time Boone has been seen sneaking to the back confines of the church. Several other parishioners have commented that the communion has been kind of tasting funny lately.
4. Liz Cheney Remains all over White House Gates.
News sources are telling us that Liz Cheney, daughter of former Vice President Dick Cheney, was seen in front of the gates of the White House. Witnesses report that Ms. Cheney pulled down her skirt and underwear, and then proceeded to urinate and defecate on the gates of the White House, at the same time screaming that the country is being ruined. When observers asked enforcement officials if anything could be done about this, the enforcement officials commented that this is nothing worse than what’s already been coming out of her mouth lately. Leading psychiatric experts attribute this type of behavior to a condition called conserwingnutmentia.
3. Ann Coulter...
(Oh heavens, I can’t publish the one about her. I’ll get jumped on so quickly. We know there’s most likely gotta be one. Just use your imagination here.)
2. Pentagon Whistleblower Exposes Existance of Tape
of Former Vice President Dick Cheney
and Former First Lady Laura Bush at Secret Underground Bunker.
A pentagon whistleblower mentioned that a tape exists of Former Vice President Dick Cheney and Former First Lady Laura Bush at a secret underground bunker used by Cheney. Bush was said to have been sent there on an errand by her husband, then the president of the United States. The whistleblower mentioned that this tape contained footage of Bush telling Cheney that she got turned by dark, broody evil men. Also on this footage is Bush on the control panel with Cheney on top of her, and while expressing her female delight, the former first lady was flailing her arms around and about and almost hit a button that would of caused the nuclear annihilation of the city of Kiev in Ukraine. President Obama will not release the tape, citing national security.
1. Sarah Palin admits it
A-Rod knocked her up at the Yankees baseball game.
Okay, BAD BAD BAD me. Outrageous, yes, but some of this stuff that we’re hearing on the news I didn’t think that we'd be hearing, we're hearing.
But I just had to get this out. It seems that we can’t watch a half hour of news these days without knowing whose erection is going into whose vagina, or mouth, or whatever else an erection can go into, or whatever else vaginas can do. I personally don’t care and really just don’t want to hear about it anymore. especially on the news. There are other outlets for this sort of thing.
At the expense of dating myself, I remember the Presidency of JFK as a very young kid. Word is that he had lots of women. But this country seemed more concerned with containing a Soviet menace at the time. And before that, a lot of presidents and other high ranking elected officials also had lots of women, of men, or whatever - I really just don’t care.
And these things were kept quiet. Nobody said anything, and nobody really wanted to hear anything or know anything about these things.
But now here’s an irony. The sanctimonious, religion, holier-than-thou sex moralizers started screaming at all sex indiscretions hoping to gain political advantage. In their narrow-minded stupidity, they thought that by exposing and punishing those who performed matrimonial acts outside the parameters of matrimony would put the fear of god in everyone else, and everyone would just automatically get married and we would have a perfect society.
HOW WRONG THEY WERE! By exposing, all they did was bring more and more of this type of sensationalist shit into the mainstream, so that everyone now has to hear about all of the time. And it seems to have created a lot more of what they wanted less of. And as a double irony, it seems that they got bit in their butts certainly much much more than they expected.
Let's all stop with the idiotic moralizing of sex already. IMHO, acts of sex need to be private and personal, something that goes on behind closed doors, with consenting adults, and it would be much best if that were the way. Then we night be able to successfully deal with the much more serious issues.
"Those who preach the most end up doing the least of what they preach."