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The twin fetishes of conservative Republicanism, historic re-enactment, and sex, are what passes for political thought in teabaggers, and they're all yours, GOP!

It's irrational to find the underside of a toe nail sexually arousing, and yet, for those so aroused, it's addictive.  It's called a fetish.

If you understand that your fetish is just that, great.  Go suck the underside of a toe nail, see if I care.  If you think your fetishes are somehow rational, you are misguided.  If you think your fetishes amount to a political philosophy, you're a god damned idiot....and a conservative Republican teabagger.

Let's start with historical re-enactment, the first, most obvious fetish of conservative Republicanism.  We've all seen the magazines, maybe in the library or at the barber shop - Civil War Times, Military History, or whatever....the sepia-toned, luxuriously illustrated scenes of great daring do, with ads for gold pawn shops, toy soldiers, and "rare" "coins" sprinkled throughout...you could sell these morons a ticket to the moon if you wrapped it in red white and blue.  

The teabaggers masturbate to this.  They do.  They dress up in period garb, wave a "Don't Tread On Me" flag at a tea party, then go home and roll around in fake parchment reproductions of the Declaration of Independence, cleaning up their ejaculate with genuine imitation copies of the Federalist Papers.  Then they come back and do it again, this time making sure their "authentic" costume is more authentic-y, because a fellow "patriot" one-upped theirs last time by carrying antique hard tack from an encampment at Antietam which he purchased online for only $4.99.

In the early days of the country, Americans sought example for such daring-do in European history.  Napoleon!  This was eventually rejected by the culture, as America developed its own history.  But it stems from the same fantasy instinct - someone, somewhere, at some other time, had a much more AWESOME go of it, and they looked AWESOME while they did it, so let's play!

The second fetish of conservative Republicanism is, of course, sex.  It stems from the evangelical Christian approach to sex - prohibitive, judgmental, and negative, which creates in the conservative Republican a huge amount of guilt over any sex they may want or get, however hot or un-hot.  A huge percentage of them are closeted gays, the rest feel guilty if they even get a damn hard on, so they obsess over it, repressed to the point of bursting.  

Add Sarah Palin (who, frankly, ain't all that hot) and you now have the full flower of the fetish, green light that shit, baby.  Conservative Republican men jack off to pictures of Palin, their wives love Palin because she appears to be what their husbands crave, and the cycle begins.  The closeted gays get further repressed from being surrounded by overtly hetero fawning over some stupid pin-up, and the entire thing turns into a volcano of ejaculate erupting like a fire hose out of Mt. Vesuvius.  

Upon this pile of psycho-sexual obsessive compulsive near-schizophrenic twitching, conservative Republicanism plants buzzwords.  FREEDOM!  LIBERTY!  CONSTITUTION!  The teabaggers repeat the words over and over like an incantation, all while running around with their dicks and dildos, spraying spoo all over each other, pretending they are part of a great historic political movement, filming documentaries of themselves.

THIS IS NOT POLITICAL THOUGHT.

YOU PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM.

The combination of these two fetishes into some "movement" will be studied by entire departments of psychology at the university level for decades to come, but it is not political.  It is just fucking weird.  

The good news is that this bizarre festival of period garb and sex belongs to the Republican Party.  All your base are belong to you, Republicans.  May they long continue their fetishism.

Cross posted at Plunderbund, Ohio's blog of record.

Originally posted to TimRusso on Fri Nov 27, 2009 at 05:09 AM PST.

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