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I have sat quietly by all week as the non-plumbers pondered the implications of the coming crapture and found many to have erroneous ideas of how they will fare on judgment day. After 25 years of following the teachings of the Uniform Plumbing Code, I am here sharing my wisdom with the non-plumbers.

I believe as stated in section 906 subsections 1 of the UPC, that the time of Vent Termination has arrived. Tonight plumbers around the world will rise, as if pushed by a great ejector pump up to heaven.  I have heard reports from Australia that plumbers have already been craptured, leaving behind crumpled piles of Carharts and flannel shirts.

Unfortunately many here will be left behind, only True Plumbers will be taken. Fixing a drippy faucet on a Saturday will not buy you a ticket to heaven, if you have not taken plumbing into your hearts, you will be left behind. If you have not followed the teachings of the Uniform Plumbing Code as stated in section 301 subsections 2.1 of the UPC, you will not pass inspection.

To those left behind, we leave the keys to our trucks, look for the dirty white trucks with pipe racks and an old toilet in the back, but this is where your hell begins as you stand at your toilet that no longer flushes with a no-hub torque wrench in one hand and a off-set spud wrench in the other with no idea where to begin. When you hit the switch on the garbage disposal and realize your sink will never drain again, you will know hell on earth. Wait until the 7 horsemen of the apocalypse arrive after their long journey, where do you think they will need to stop first?

I can’t say I feel much pity for those left behind with the years of plumber jokes me and my fellow plumbers have endured, I think you all will receive the punishment you deserve. I will miss the DIYers on the Saturday Morning Home Repair Blog, unfortunately not being True Plumbers you too will be left behind.

Originally posted to The Plumber's Throne on Fri May 20, 2011 at 05:56 PM PDT.

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