It’s not unusual for political conventions to have themes. In 2012, the Republican theme was “A Better Future” and there were nights dedicated to ideas like “We Can Do Better” and “We Can Change It.” That kind of high-minded concept? Not going to fly in 2016.
Donald Trump has a much better idea. He’s a week late releasing the speaker’s list, but he’s also unveiled a bit of the plot for this Trump production.
A night highlighting the tragedy in Benghazi, Libya. An appearance by onetime football star Tim Tebow. A presentation detailing former President Bill Clinton’s sexual misconduct.
So we get a night on Benghazi, even though the Republican’s eighth committee on the topic just had to slink off into the darkness, having produced no evidence that Hillary did anything wrong. We get a night on Bill Clinton’s escapades twenty years ago. Which is surely the most important issue facing the nation. And we get an evening with Tim Tebow. Which … is … odd. Actually, the schedule doesn’t give official titles for each day, but it lays out like this:
Night 1: The Night of Scary Foreigners. This is the night of Bengggaaazzzhhhiiii brought to you by former agents who really want to sell their books. Plus you get a man whose son was skilled by an immigrant; “Hispanic voters don’t care about immigration reform” genius, Tom Cotton; and of course, Rudy Gulliani for all your remaining hate needs. Your Trump for the evening: Melania.
Night 2: The Night of Obama Ruined the Economy. Headlined by a pair of Republican governors—Asa Hutchinson and Scott Walker—who know a thing or three about wrecking economies. Plus you get ex-general and discarded Trump veep candidate, Michael Flynn, and original turtle man Mitch McConnell. Your Trumps for the evening: Tiffany and Don Jr. Sports guest for the evening: Ultimate Fighting Championship President Dana White. (Fun fact: He is possibly the only president you’ll see at this convention.)
Night 3: The Perversions of Bill, featuring Newt Gingrich. This is also the night of “women Trump knows” bringing in noted castration expert Joni Ernst and noted person whose office is under an ethics investigation for taking $25,000 from Trump while supposedly investigating Trump University, Pam Bondi. Ted Cruz also makes his brief appearance this evening. Your Trump for the evening: Eric. Sports guest for the evening: pro golfer Natalie Gulbis, who will surely have good things to say about the back nine at Turnberry. There’s also a mystery spot on this day for the VP nominee which, since everyone else Trump has been talking to appears someone else on the schedule, sure looks like Mike Pence.
Night 4: Triumph of the Trump. Another pair from the Republican governors who have really screwed over their states’ list—Mary Fallin and Rick Scott—appear to start the Trump fluffing. Plus Rick Scott may demonstrate his ability to swallow small animals whole. Reince Priebus appears to pretend he’s happy about the whole thing. Before Donald Trump makes his victory lap, we get a couple of “business leader” types. Real estate investor Thomas Barrack—notable for having been one of Nixon’s personal lawyers, being pals with the Saudi royals, buying Neverland Ranch, and giving money to Trump—will probably speak against all that globalization, seeing how he’s on the board of multiple foreign banks and the charmingly named Megaworld Holdings. Also appearing will be genuine billionaire Peter Thiel. Thiel is the only openly gay person on the Republican speaker list (possibly ever), so that’s cool. However, Thiel is best known for his success in using his wealth to crush Gawker by secretly funding a series of lawsuits. You can bet that’s the part which thrills notable first amendment hater Trump. Oh, and Thiel also runs a giant international hedge fund. So … another great speaker against globalism and Wall Street. Your Trumps for the evening: Ivanka and Don Sr. Sports guest for the evening: Tim Tebow.
We know that there will be a few more speakers. There’s a sheriff who doesn’t like Black Lives Matter (is that on scary foreigners night, or Obama broke it night?). Jerry Falwell appears somewhere. And Trump has time for another business leader.
Trump does not forget his business relationships, giving speaking slots to … even the general manager for Virginia's Trump Winery, Kerry Woolard.
Which really makes it look like there was a huge demand for those slots. Ben Carson and Chris Christie are also supposed to be slotted in there somewhere. I’m guessing Carson on Obama night and Christie is a shoo-in for the Trump fluffery.
Paul Ryan is supposed to appear, but since he’s promised only ten minutes, it doesn’t make the schedule.
Absent from a list obtained Thursday by The Associated Press are Trump friends from professional sports such as New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady or the celebrities that the New York billionaire's team long suggested would help make this convention unlike any other.
No Bobby Knight to throw the empty chair. And the only “actor” who is being slotted in somewhere is underwear model Antonio Sabàto Jr.
There’s another casino owner on the list. One who has a lot in common with Trump.
On January 6, 2008 the then-72-year-old Ruffin married the then-26-year-old supermodel and Miss Ukraine 2004 title holder Oleksandra Nikolayenko.
Was there a family values night? Surely Ruffin goes there.