From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Headlines You Won’t Read Today
Trump goes 24 hrs without defending white supremacists
Caligraphist runs out of room while listing Paul Ryan's achievements as House Speaker on grain of rice
Eclipse viewers agree: “Meh.”
Republicans more fired up about midterms than Democrats
World better place without Dick Gregory in it
Middle child gets all the attention
Tucker Carlson makes valid point
Taliban frightened of Trump Afghanistan war plan
Big Ben Bongs
Kos finally deletes ErrinF's fucking account
Melania cleans up the internet
Majority of Americans agree: summer going by too slowly
Donald Trump breaks the one-hundred lie barrier
That last one, of course, is totally wacky. Trump has not lied one hundred times since he became president. He’s actually lied a thousand times.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Note: No C&J tomorrow because we're getting colonoscopied in the morning. (You're advised to stay out of my path to the bathroom today---”prep day”---as I will plow over any number of grandmas to get to the terlet when nature screams.) I promise that when we return at the end of the week for Rum & Coke Friday we won’t post any gross photos or videos of the procedure. That would be rude. Pencil sketches only. I pinky swear.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Autumn: 30
Days 'til Austin Pride: 3
Number of White House surrogates who showed up on the Sunday morning shows to defend Trump's views on the white supremacist movement's "very fine people": 0
Depth at which the W.W. II cruiser Indianapolis, which Quint gave a soliloquy on in Jaws, was located in the Pacific Ocean, having been sunk by a Japanese sub: 3.5 miles
Number of the 200 survivors (out of a crew of 1,200) who are still alive today: 19
Factor by which boxed wine stays fresher when opened than bottled wine: 6x
Approximate number of calories in a sheetcake: 6,600
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Mid-week Rapture Index:
180 (including 5 volcanoes and 1 Democrat-radar-jamming secret prayer). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A gaggle of Mini-Mes….
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CHEERS to fleeing the battlefield (of words). The rise of the unholy Trump-Bannon "empire" gave the white supremacist movement supreme confidence that they'd be able to lurch out of the shadows with their Nazi flags and be greeted as liberators. But America got one look at their tiki torches, guns, clubs, shields, brass knuckles, armbands, and anti-Jew/Black/LGBT/Immigrant slogans and decided they were going to show up and offer an opposing view. After two rounds of "Point-Counterpoint" in the streets of Charlottesville and Boston, the goose-steppers have decided that there's no place like home…under their rock:
Sixty-seven planned rallies in 36 states that were meant to attract members of the so-called alt-right and other racist groups are moving online after a “free speech” rally on Saturday in Boston attended by white supremacists was drowned out by demonstrators.
Instead, a “Day of ACTion” will “be conducted through online and other media,” ACT said, but it did not detail what shape that would take.
Wild guess: the shape of a lazy racist slob in a barcalounger banging on a laptop with Cheeto-stained fingers.
JEERS to spewing bologna in Arizona. This'll be short and sweet: Air Force One groaned and grunted as it hauled Lord Dampnut's rotting carcass out to Phoenix yesterday. He did a rally. He lied his ass off and blew lots of racist kisses. He didn’t pardon Joe Arpaio. The End.
CHEERS to the Divine Miss M. You’ve probably heard by now about the way Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s trophy wife came home from a day trip to Kentucky and took to Instagram to boast about all the luxury apparel she was toting in a photo of her getting off a government plane, then fired off an “eat cake, bitch” response to a taxpayer who took issue with her open opulence flaunting. It was distilled essence of the Trump administration’s hallmark lack of self-awareness, and good ol’ Bette Midler weighed in to let her 1.1 million followers know it:
If she hadn’t been such a damn fine singer and actress she would’ve been great at another profession: taking out the trash.
CHEERS to ticking off the man in curlers. On this date in 1775, King George III got all pissy and accused the colonies of being in "an open and avowed rebellion" and asked "our obedient and loyal subjects to use their utmost endeavours to withstand and suppress such rebellion, and to disclose and make known all treasons and traitorous conspiracies which they shall know to be against us." And we were all, like, "Huh? Are you referring to little old us? Why, we’re just grubby li'l old farmers and fussy old shopkeepers---we wouldn’t hurt a fly!" Then we declared independence and kicked his ass. Psych!
JEERS to imperial takesie backsies. On tomorrow's date in 1814, King George III got all pissy again and ordered British forces to attack Washington, DC during the War of...um...1812. The president and members of Congress fled while the First Lady, armed with nothing but a butcher knife and her patriotism, rescued artwork and leftover mutton before the redcoats torched the White House. The 8/24 Commission Report later said President Madison should have heeded the PDB titled: "King George III Determined to Strike In US." Curse you, 20-20 hindsight.
JEERS to losing two more legends. The world of comedy took it on the chin twice over the weekend as Dick Gregory (84) and Jerry Lewis (91) gave their last curtain call. Both were strong philanthropists, Gregory as a civil rights activist and Lewis a decades-long spokesman for the Muscular Dystrophy Association. (Years ago I did overnight shifts on the phone banks. Good cause, free food.) Their brands of comedy couldn’t have been more different---Lewis mastering the slapstick Borscht Belt variety, while Gregory taking on racial injustice and making it his lifelong cause. Lewis's physical pratfalls often left a mark on his person, but Gregory's barbs left a mark on society, especially back when to do so was risky for an African-American:
"A Klaner is a cat who gets out of bed in the middle of the night and takes his sheet with him."
"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark."
"Baseball is the only sport in the world where a Negro can shake a stick at a white man and it won't start no riot."
"Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' I said, 'That's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.'"
"You know the definition of a Southern moderate? That's a cat that'll lynch you from a low tree."
"I meet so many young folks who say, 'If I got to go and die in a war at eighteen, I want the right to vote at eighteen.' Don’t be no damn fool. You got to die at eighteen, you better fight to get the right to vote at seventeen."
Oh to be a fly on the wall of the elevator those two take upstairs together.
JEERS (unless you win and split the winnings with me) to Greenback Mountain. When the jackpot for a winning lottery ticket equals the domestic ticket sales to the last Star Wars movie, something is seriously wrong. I'm not sure what, exactly, but something! The jackpot for tonight's drawing is 700 million---make sure you say that correctly: meeeelion---dollars. Second largest pile of cash in its history. If you're planning to plunk down some money for the less-than-getting-struck-by-a-lightning-wielding-terrorist-ray-gun-from-Mars opportunity of winning it all, please: have a snowball's chance in hell responsibly. Love, Mom.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 23, 2007
CHEERS to making some noise. Kennebunkport has sure seen its share of protests this summer. A third one is planned for this Saturday. For trivial reasons, really:
The unseemly and arrogant image of President Bush and his father waving to photographers from his cigarette boat, oblivious to the fact that there are fathers here and in Iraq who will never see their sons again, warrants a response from people of conscience! While Bush and his cronies dine on lobster and anesthetize themselves on fine wine, Iraq is disintegrating into something resembling hell on earth. We cannot sit idly by and hear stories of suffering, torture and senseless loss of precious life. We wonder, how can they?
Probably something to do with the whole anesthetizing thing.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the essence of the Great Orange Satan. Kossack Red Bean hasn’t posted or commented around these parts in a few years. (Come back! We forgive you! For whatever you did! As long as it wasn’t murder!) But I ran across something funny that the "hyper-sensitive liberal" wrote in C&J eleven years ago that still seems relevant to this wonderfully messy community and our relationship to our benevolent overlord in Berkeley. Enjoy anew:
Cheers to Kos. He says "Jump" and we say "But when you think about it, what is "jumping?"
And some of us say "Jump?!! Are you nuts? Somersault.”
And some others of us say "I jumped already, where have you been?"
And others: "No jumping until after the primary."
And "That's awfully close to the DLC position."
Or "I jumped once and then I saw a Green Party member jump and after that I decided, fuck jumping."
And some of us say "A little jumping is OK."
And others say "If you give the "j" the Spanish pronunciation then the word jump sounds sort of dirty, heh, heh."
And "back in the sixties we didn't just jump we leaped."
And "I'll jump as long as long as I know when I land I'm landing on Ken Mehlman's head."
And "They've been jumping in France for six years already, what is taking us so long?"
And...
And… Still true!
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
This Bill in Portland Maine Action Figure Is Too Realistic
---Gizmodo
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