From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: "…and Nothing But the Truth" Edition
"Impeachment hearings today. I was glued to it. You know who didn't watch? President Trump claims he did not watch the televised impeachment hearings. When asked what he was doing, Trump said, 'Cleaning out my desk.'"
—Conan O'Brien
"Today's live testimony was as dramatic as it was historic. It was the biggest ratings hit for CSPAN-3 since Drunk History starring Brett Kavanaugh."
—Stephen Colbert
"Unexplainable, illogical, and crazy. That's the description [witness] Bill Taylor gave of Trump's action. It's also the title of Trump's new memoir."
—Trevor Noah
“Without even seeing it, you know that Devin Nunes’ opening statement was written in Comic Sans.”
—Samantha Bee
Clip of GOP lawyer Steve Castor: This ‘irregular channel of diplomacy’ is not as outlandish as it could be, is that correct?
Seth Meyers: That's their best argument—it's not as outlandish as it could be. Trump should just run all the way with that and start holding his rallies in front of a giant banner that says, 'Not As Guilty As I Could Be.'
—Late Night
"[Lindsey] Graham's defense has gone from 'there was no quid pro quo' to 'Trump is too dumb to do one.' Graham is essentially saying the president is an idiot—he's like a baby stumbling around aimlessly in a diaper full of his own boom-boom, and that’s why he must stay in office and retain access to the nuclear codes."
—John Oliver
And one year ago this week, in the wake of the 2018 blue wave…
"More women won their elections and are now going to Congress than ever before. In response, Republicans were like, 'This is not what we meant when we said a woman's place is in the house.'"
—James Corden
And with that, Mr. Chairman, I have nothing further to add except to say your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 15, 2019
Note: Tonight on Eyewitness News—Lady Gaga arrested for voter fraud after filling out two ballots last Tuesday, claiming she was entitled to cast one for each ga. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til ACA enrollment on the federal exchange ends: 30
Days 'til the Mac and Cheese Fest in Scottsdale: 1
Estimated number of immigrant children, including infants, who were held in U.S. government custody over the last year, according to AP: 69,550
Minimum number of LGBT members of the U.S. military dishonorably or less-than-honorably discharged since World War II: 100,000
Diplomat and impeachment hearing witness Bill Taylor's graduation rank, out of 800 in his class, at West Point: #5
Number of sign-ups for Disney+ in its first day: 10 million
Percent in a YouGov poll who believe it’s acceptable to start listening to holiday music before Thanksgiving: 18%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Friday ball pit!!!
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CHEERS to your American Hero of the Day. (Hint: it’s a womenfolk!) Three quick takeaways from today's impeachment hearing:
1) Former Ukraine Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch is tenacious, tough, in possession of a brain full to the brim with both book smarts and street smarts, eloquent, steely-eyed, Patriotic with a capital p, and a woman I now know I'd crawl over broken glass to have a beer with. (And, judging by their standing ovation, so would most of the observers in the gallery.)
2) The President of the United States, who had her fired because she was interfering with his attempted extortion of Ukraine for personal gain, threatened and intimidated the witness (Yovanovitch) by slinging mud at her on Twitter. And rather than ignore it or wait to address it later, chairman Adam Schiff wisely stopped the proceedings to read Trump's illegal act into the record, a moment that stunned the room (and even caused a brief Fox News meltdown):
And [Trigger Alert Warning!] 3) Devin Nunes really, really, really wants Democrats to cough up naked photos of Donald Trump. All in good time, Devin. All in good time.
CHEERS to the end of the end. It's okay now, Kentucky. You can come out of your homes and dance among the sinewy blades of bluegrass again. From Paducah to Lexington and all points in between, freedom has come to your mysterious land of gray squirrels (your state wild animal) and brachiopods (your state fossil), now that psycho Matt Bevin has conceded, clearing the way for Democrat Andy Beshear to bring sanity and civility back to the governor's office:
Bevin, a Republican, said there were some issues with the election night count—specifically the counting of absentee ballots—that would lead the final vote tally to "fluctuate somewhat"after the recanvass is done.
But, he acknowledged, the results of the race would not change. "Politics was never intended to be a career for anybody, nor should it be," he told reporters outside his office. "I truly want the best for Andy Beshear as he moves forward. I genuinely want him to be successful, I want the state to be successful."
Beshear, for his part, has already begun preparing to take over as governor. “It’s time to move forward with a smooth transition,” Beshear told reporters last week. “We’re confident in the out come of the election.”
On December 10th Beshear will take the oath of office. Or as it’s also known: one hell of an early Christmas present from Election Santa.
P.S. Tomorrow is election day in Louisiana, where Democratic Governor John Bel Edwards is in a tight race to stay in office. Send all your gumbo-est vibes down south, and let’s hope the adults in the Pelican State are as smart as these fourth-graders.
CHEERS to that people-powered dude. Happy 71st birthday Sunday to Howard Dean, the former Vermont governor (first in the nation to sign same-sex civil unions into law—a quaint milestone, but ground breaking at the time) who became the loudest 2004 presidential candidate to rail against the warmongering Bush II regime. (His 2003 speech in Sacramento remains one of the most influential barn burners in modern political history.) Also of groundbreaking historical importance: a teeny-tiny li’l link from his campaign site was how I, and many other old-timers here, first stumbled onto Daily Kos.
Of course, we all know Governor Dean met his Waterloo when he uttered "Yeah" in Iowa at a slightly higher volume than is allowed in polite political society. He then went on to become the chairman of the DNC, unleashing a radical strategy that would give the Democratic party an active, robust presence in all 50 states. He also has a near-perfect attendance record at our Netroots Nation conventions, and is a proud card-carrying Kossack. His latest venture has him on the international advisory board at medical cannabis research firm Tilray. So when you're pouring your first drinky bright and early Sunday morning (may we recommend a cocktail made with pure Vermont maple syrup?), hoist it and send a happy birthday toast to ol’ Doc Dean. And you should also consider baking him a cake. After all, YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour...!
CHEERS to a ring so stuffed with hats that you can pretty much just walk up and steal one and nobody will notice. Sensing that the current roster of 763 candidates in the Democratic primary just didn’t offer enough variety, another caped crusader entered the 2020 race this week after promising he would never, ever enter the 2020 presidential race. Let's check out his vitals:
Governor Deval Laurdine Patrick (D-MA)
Hails from: Chicago (born) and Milton, Massachusetts (since 1989).
Age on inauguration day 2021: 64
Primary campaign theme: “Deval For All”
Education: BA and JD from Harvard (Between degrees he worked with the United Nations in Africa)
Official website: devalpatrick2020.com
Strengths: Two-term (and first black) governor of Massachusetts; seems to be decent on gun control, clean energy, abortion rights, education, and LGBT rights. Tight with former president Barack Obama.
Weaknesses: Tight with casino gambling industry; made several of the kind of unforced errors in office that give politicians in general a bad name; first job out of office was as a Managing Director at vulture chop shop Bain Capital; seems awful kissy-kissy with corporations, having served as legal counsel at Texaco, ACC Capital, Coca-Cola, and Bain Capital.
Baby-kissing ability, based on latest reviews on Toddler Yelp: 8.2/10
He joins Kamala,Cory, Joe, Pete, Michael, Wayne, Michael, Elizabeth, Bernie, Tulsi, Julian, John, Andrew, Marianne, Tom, Amy, Steve, and Joe #2 in the quest to chase the Trump crime syndicate out of Washington. He won’t qualify for any debates, and he won’t win any primaries or caucuses. But other than that? Thumbs up!
CHEERS to home where the buffalo roam. Happy Birthday, Oklahoma! The "Hey, that state looks like a skillet!" state officially nabbed the 46th star on the flag 112 years ago tomorrow. Fun facts: the state animal is the buffalo, the state insect is the honey bee, and the state flower is the Oklahoma rose, which is quite lovely:
Oh, almost forgot: the state rock is "rose barite," which you'll find in the greatest abundance in the town of Noble and between state dinosaur Jim Inhofe's ears.
CHEERS to Mary Had A Little Lamb. Back in the day, you could play that tune with the buttons on your touch-tone phone, which was invented on this date in 1963. It was almost as awesome as being able to spell out BOOBIES with your calculator by punching in 5318008 and turning it upside down. Man, we were wild back then. You kids have no idea.
CHEERS to home vegetation. There's one single leaf still hangin' on for dear life in the backyard, and I refuse to start raking until it drops. So until then, it's weekend boob-tubage!
First, Chris Hayes (with live studio audience) and Rachel Maddow unpack today’s impeachment hearings and Roger Stone verdict (he floated so he’s GUILTY!). Then, on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Senator Sherrod Brown (D-OH), Lindsey Graham's likely Democratic challenger Jaime Harrison, Ian Bremmer, Donna Brazile, and NYT's Frank Bruni. On The Graham Norton Show (11, BBC America): Goddess Julie Andrews and God Ian McKellen. New home video releases include the f-bomb-dropping-middle-schoolers hit Good Boys and the sleeper hit The Peanut Butter Falcon. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Tiger Beat dreamthrob heartboat Harry Styles hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: segments on ‘red flag’ laws, mining the ocean for metals, and how the Sesame Workshop is helping Syrian refugee children. The Simpsons go to Costa Rica and on Family Guy Peter and Lois celebrate an anniversary. Them boo hoo (and I mean that), John Oliver lords over the season finale (Noooooooo!!! And I mean that, too) of last Week Tonight Sunday night at 11 on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senators Chris Murphy (D-CT) and Ron Johnson (R-Why In God’s Name Did You re-Elect This idiot, Wisconsin?); brand-new Democratic 2020 candidate Deval Patrick.
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA); Reps. Gym Jordan (R-OH) and Mike Quigley (D-IL).
CNN's State of the Union: Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT); Reps. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA) and Mike Turner (R-OH).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Intelligence Committee member Rep. Jim Himes (D-CT); Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 15, 2009
JEERS to A Nightmare on Looney Street. Oh noes!!! Five terrorism suspects are being transferred from Guantanamo to stand trial in New York...ON AMERICAN SOIL!!! That sound you hear is the conservative horde stampeding the nightlight section at Walmart. (And be sure to check out the specials on deadbolts in Aisle 3!)
P.S. In all seriousness, and pardon my French, but golly gee whiz, I'm getting so fucking tired of this residual 9/11-themed bullshit that the Republicans keep flinging just to try and scare people. Memo to Mitch McConnell: We were terrorized. We got over it. So get over it!
LATE UPDATE: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is in my living room holding my partner Michael hostage with a spatula. Okay...this would appear to be awkward.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to toying around. Enough politics…it's playtime! Lost in all the hubbub over the elections, impeachment hearings, Trump meltdowns, and other assorted headline stealers is the biggest story of the month. I'm speaking, of course, about the trio of 2019 inductees into the National Toy Hall of Fame. I spent thousands of hours on the first, hundreds of hours on the second, and I don’t have a clue what the third is:
Matchbox Cars Lesney Products debuted Matchbox Cars in England in 1953, and the cars appeared in the United States in 1954. By 1960, Matchbox sold more than 100 million units annually. They faced stiff competition from Hot Wheels (brought to market by toymaker Mattel in 1968 and inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame in 2011), and launched their own “superfast” line of cars in response. In 1997, Mattel purchased the Matchbox Cars line, uniting them under the same banner as their longtime rival. Matchbox Cars remain a top seller for Mattel.
Coloring Book Coloring books appeared in America as an outgrowth of European educational reforms, but McLoughlin Brothers, a New York printing company, is credited as the coloring book’s inventor. Educators now use coloring books to teach such essential and diverse subjects as history, geography, and even geometry. More complex coloring books aimed at adults became popular in the 2000s.
Magic: The Gathering Wizards of the Coast published Magic: The Gathering in 1993, and the uniquely collectible card game became so successful that the firm could not meet demand at first. The game—which draws on popular fantasy themes—requires both chance and skill to defeat opponents in one-on-one battles, encouraging players to collect new cards and to refine their deck and strategies. It continues to evolve and produce new sets of cards and storylines.
Meanwhile, I have a leading candidate for the 2019 Toy Hall of Shame: the "MAGA Presidential Wall Game." Yeah, it's a thing:
Should we tell 'em that Mexico is already selling the "Tunnel Under the MAGA Presidential Wall Game" game? Nah, let’s not—I'd hate to ruin the surprise.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are youcheering and jeering about today?
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