Late Night Snark: Wow, What An Infrastructure Week, Eh? Edition
"Yesterday Joe Biden was endorsed by Scientific American—I assume because of all the horrible things Trump has said about science and America."
—Stephen Colbert
"During last night's ABC News town hall, President Trump mistakenly claimed that people would be protected from the coronavirus when they develop a 'herd mentality.' Now, obviously, what he meant to say was: 'I am bad at this and I resign.'"
—Seth Meyers
Continued…
"I don’t think so. I think what I did by closing up the country I think I saved two, maybe two-and-a-half, maybe more than that lives."
—Trump, asked by George Stephanopoulos if he could've done more to stop the coronavirus
"The president called into Fox and Friends and ended up chatting with them on the air for 47 minutes. After 47 minutes of talking on Fox News, Trump finally had to get off the phone and go back to his other major responsibility: watching Fox News."
—James Corden
"Susan Collins will likely lose her re-election. She’s famous for hinting that she has a conscience, then voting with the GOP anyway. It's like Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown, then when he runs to kick it, Lucy puts an alleged sexual predator on the Supreme Court."
—Samantha Bee
"I'm hearing conflicting stories in the news, so just to clarify: does Putin have to vote in-person or can he still use a mail-in ballot?"
—Conan O'Brien
And now, our feature presentation…
-
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 18, 2020
Note: Today is National False Accusation Day. Or at least it was until you and your soup can-toting antifa pals stole it.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til International Day of Sign Languages: 5
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, polled by Pew Research who believe their local news outlets get the facts about Covid-19 right most of the time: 61%, 31%
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, who believe the Trump administration gets the facts about Covid-19 right most of the time: 10%, 48%
Trump’s approval in Maine, according to the latest Quinnipiac poll: 38%
Lindsey Graham (R-Inc.)-Jaime Harrison (D) matchup numbers in the U.S. Senate race in South Carolina, according to the latest Qunnipiac poll: 48%-48%
Portion of Americans aged 20 to 31 who violated stay-at-home orders in April to have sex, according to Harper's Index: 1/4
Time it takes for sunlight to reach the earth: 8 minutes, 20 seconds
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
-
CHEERS to seven excellent days. With just over six weeks until election day, things are shaping up nicely for Team Biden-Harris. This week was a good one. Off the top of my head…
» Prognosticators: FiveThirtyEight currently gives Joe 77% odds of winning. Rachel "The Election Whisperer" Bitecofer is up to 99.5%. And even the ever-cautious Charlie Cook says Trump's “ceiling is too low to win,” and he just moved Arizona into "Lean D" territory.
» Polls: Joe's looking good in Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Arizona. If they hold up, that's pretty much the game right there. And it’s entirely possible that Florida could stop Trump instantly at 8pm on election night if Joe pulls it off.
» This week Joe got decent press coverage of and high marks for delivering strong policy addresses on the coronavirus, Puerto Rico, and climate change.
» Republican efforts to get Green Party candidates and/or—[checks notes]—Kanye West on various state ballots to siphon votes from Democrats have failed pretty much everywhere that matters.
» Trump's town hall meeting on ABC—aka "outside the bubble"—was a disaster, and offered a preview of the clueless, dishonest nastiness that Joe will be well-prepared to rebut at the first debate in 11 days. And last night, Joe’s town hall meeting on CNN impressed viewers with his steely-eyed mix of Scranton grit, mastery of the facts, and empathy to spare.
» Trump’s campaign is still running on fumes and pulling back on ad spending. Biden-Harris is flush with cash, including another $100 million from Mike Bloomberg to conquer Florida.
The usual caveat applies: next week Trump could do a complete 180 and become a stable, responsible, knowledgeable, ethical leader of all the people. Right after Mike Pence farts a unicorn.
CHEERS to a name that should echo across the land in honor and glory. Remember the name, my fellow villagers: Judge Stanley Bastian. Tell your children about him. Tell your relatives, neighbors and your co-workers. Spread the word far and wide. One way you can do this is to send out letters via the United States Postal Service. Which Judge Stanley Bastian just saved as he banged his gavel to splinters and…
…blocked controversial Postal Service changes that have slowed mail nationwide, calling them "a politically motivated attack on the efficiency of the Postal Service" before the November election. Judge Stanley Bastian in Yakima, Washington, said he was issuing a nationwide preliminary injunction sought by 14 states that sued the Trump administration and the U.S. Postal Service. […]
Bastian…ordered the Postal Service to stop implementing the "leave behind" policy, to treat all election mail as first class mail rather than as slower-moving categories, to reinstall any mail processing machines needed to ensure the prompt handling of election mail, and to inform its employees about the requirements of his injunction.
The blue mailboxes go back. The sorting machines go back. The slowdowns stop. Mail-in ballots get re-upgraded from coach to First Class. It's a total reset, thanks to Judge Stanley Bastian, Chief Motherf*cking Judge of the Motherf*cking Eastern District of Motherf*cking Washington. As for the Trump-humping postmaster who tried to steal the election in exchange for a bag of gold coins and a free round of golf at Mar-A-Lago (not including cart fee, Eric fee, Don Jr. fee, Ivanka fee, Tiffany fee, or Melania fee): you can just remember him as Louis DeSad.
CHEERS to famous firsts. Seventy-two years ago, on September 18, 1948, Margaret Chase Smith from the GREAT STATE OF MAINE became the first woman elected to the United States Senate—without completing a term started by another senator—when she beat Democrat Adrian Scolten. Her campaign slogan makes me wonder if it wasn’t the inspiration for Eisenhower’s “I Like Ike” four years later: "My Sentiments Are With Margaret Chase Smith."
It also made her the first woman to be both a U.S. representative and senator, and in 1964 she became the first woman to have her name placed in nomination for president. She came in second. Or as the menfolk in the modern GOP like to say: "As it should be."
P.S. Maine’s current senator with ladyparts, Susan Collins, is now trailing Democratic challenger Sara Gideon in the latest Quinnipac poll by 12 points. We hear Collins is so concerned that she’s actually concerned.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to notable promotions. On September 18 in the year 335, Dalmatius was raised to the rank of Caesar by his uncle Constantine I. Historians believe Constantine had a bad case of the flu at the time. When asked out of concern what his temperature was, he responded: "101, Dalmatius."
CHEERS to today's edition of Oops I Tripped and Dropped This Graph Showing How President Obama Was Beloved In Western Europe And Whatever You Do Don't Tell Baby Trump Or He’ll Freak Out…
This has been today's edition of Oops I Tripped and Dropped This Graph Showing How President Obama Was Beloved In Western Europe And Whatever You Do Don't Tell Baby Trump Or He’ll Freak Out.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Quick roundup of TV-type stuffs on the weekend platter-o-plenty. Tonight starts with the unpacking of the Friday news dumps on MSNBC with Chris, Rachel, and Lawrence, while Bob Woodward releases more from the Trump Tapes on PBS's Washington Week. Then on HBO's Real Time (10PM), libertarian snowflake Bill Maher talks with Jane Fonda, Michael Cohen, political director of Republican Voters Against Trump Tim Miller, and Trae Crowder aka "The Liberal Redneck.”
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here. The NBA schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here, while the Stanley Cup final schedule is here and the baseball lineup is here. Or, if you're into swingers, you can watch the U.S. Open golf tourney from the Treasure Island Putt-Putt course in Mamaroneck, New York on NBC.
Sunday on the season premiere of 60 Minutes: Voting by mail in Pennsylvania, a profile of former Trump national security adviser H.R. McMaster, and LSU head football coach Ed Orgeron. Then at 8ET on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel hosts The Emmy Awards. I may be going out on a limb here, but all my money's on The Huntley-Brinkley Report, The Banana Splits (including Danger Island), Cop Rock, and Mannix. If I win ‘em all, I can retire for life.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Bob Woodward; Governor Phil Murphy (D-NJ); HHS f*ckup Alex Azar.
This Week: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi; Assistant HHS secretary Admiral Brett Giroir.
Face the Nation: Former Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services Administrator Andy Slavitt; LabCorp CEO Adam Schechter; Obama’s Homeland Security director Jeh Johnson; National Security Adviser Robert O’Brien outlines his seven-step plan for not doing a goddam thing about national security.
CNN's State of the Union: Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI); Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY); Jon Stewart; Rosie Torres of Burnpits360; Assistant HHS secretary Admiral Brett Giroir.
Fox GOPTalking Points Sunday: Former CDC director Tom Frieden; Bill Gates; Mike Pence’s chief of staff Marc Short.
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: September 18, 2010
CHEERS to snappy answers to serious questions. I seem to remember, lo 'round five months ago, when America found itself with a little oil gusher problem—Deepwater Horizon—down south. The president even relayed a story of how daughter Malia would ask him every morning while he was shaving, "Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?" Well, as of this weekend, the answer will be an emphatic ”Yupper, kiddo.”
Crews started pumping cement Friday deep under the seafloor to permanently plug BP's blown-out well in the Gulf of Mexico. A BP spokesman said there no longer was a need to use mud in tandem with the cement because pressure from the well wasn't an issue. BP expects the well to be completely sealed on Saturday.
Then the real work begins: holding the feet of the professional responsibility-dodgers at BP to the fire so that they stick around until "every drop of oil has been recovered" and they—their words, from today's full-page ad in USA Today—"make this right." Memo to Malia: keep buggin' your dad.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to The Swashbucklin' Nineteenth. Avast me hearties and suchlike. It's me, Captain Billybeard, fear-instiller of the deep blue kiddie pool. For thems who don't knows, tomorrow is the blow-me-downest day of the year: International Talk Like A Pirate Day. And arrrway we go…
Midwestern heartland voter: "Trump's trade war is crushin’ the people who make our carrrs!"
American worker: "Thanks to those greedy bastards on Wall Street, I may never get to retarrr!"
Winston Churchill: "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest arrr!'"
Daily Kos blogger: ”My favorite front-pager is the Morrill lass named Barrrrb.”
Daily Kos blogger with opposing view: “My favorite front-pager is the Joan they call McCarrrter.”
Judge, sometime in 2021: "I sentence ye, Donald J. Trump, to twenty years behind barrrrs."
Buzz Aldrin: "To Marrrs!"
Americans to Interior Secretary David Bernhardt: "Stop shrinkin' our parrrks."
Red-hatted End Times fanatic: "Prepare ye for Arrrrmageddon."
Driving instructor: "Put the carrrr in Parrrrk."
Theatre Critic: "Don’t miss the revival of Streetcarrr Named Desarrr!"
Democratic strategist: "That Buttigieg lad is a rising starrr."
Postal abbreviation of Bill Clinton's home state: AR
Trump's legal team: "Ready! Farrr! Aim!"
Thanks for reading. You've been a swarrrthy arrdience.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-