Late Night Snark: Farewell, RBG Edition
"This week we, like everyone, are mourning the loss of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Ginsburg fought tirelessly for women's equality and civil rights throughout her career, including more than 27 years on the Supreme Court. Look, I know this feels terrible, but I'm going to try my best and honor RBG with the words my Meemaw once said to me: Don’t cry because it's over, smile because you're old enough to buy booze."
—Samantha Bee
“I can’t believe Donald J. Trump gets to name three Justices to the Supreme Court. The guy can’t even name three branches of government."
—Trevor Noah
Continued...
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"Fifty-one out of 53 Republicans are now on board, while the other two stick out like masks at a MAGA rally. I still can't believe we're letting Trump make that choice. He's terrible at hiring people. Everyone he's ever hired is either fired, in prison, or in Steve Bannon's case, almost both."
—Jimmy Fallon
"There's increasing concern that even if he loses, Trump will refuse to leave the White House. But here's the thing. It's simple—if the American people want to guarantee that Donald Trump will leave us, there's a very easy thing we can do: marry him."
—Jimmy Kimmel
“Scientists say that pretty soon robots will be smarter than us. In fact, they’ve started building a robot that wears a mask.”
—Conan O’Brien
"Un-thank you to the virus for keeping us all apart this year. Un-thank you to Trump for his crummy and uncoordinated response. Un-thank you to Boris Johnson and his government for doing the same in my country. Un-thank you to all the nationalist and quasi-nationalist governments in the world that are exactly the opposite of what we need right now. And un-thank you to the media moguls who do so much to keep them in power. So, un-thank you."
—Succession creator Jesse Armstrong, during his Emmy acceptance speech
"NASA has just published a plan to put the first woman on the moon. As part of the plan—this is true—NASA says that the woman will be accompanied by a man, so that there’s someone to repeat all of her ideas in a louder voice."
—James Corden
“According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest state. That story again: Hawaii is the state furthest away from the rest of America.”
—Seth Meyers
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 25, 2020
Note: Today is National Lobster Day. To make it especially memorable, breed them in your basement with radioactive isotopes until 40 feet tall and then unleash them on an unsuspecting populace. Add a funny hat or water-squirting boutonnière if desired. Get creative!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til voting in the 2020 election ends: 39
Number of charges against the Louisville cops for murdering Breonna Taylor in her bed: 0
Percent of the U.S. population that "remains susceptible" to the coronavirus, according to the giant throbbing head in a glass jar at the CDC: 90%
Biden’s lead over Trump in Ohio, according to the latest Fox News poll: 5 points
Biden’s lead over Trump in Pennsylvania, according to the same poll: 7 points
Percent chance that a new Monmouth poll shows Biden and Trump tied in Georgia: 100%
Minimum number of Americans who say they used marijuana in the past year: 37 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to jeers. The president of the United States, who stands against everything—intelligence, decency, equality, the rule of law, fitness of mind and body, marital fidelity, reading—that Ruth Bader Ginsburg stood for, had a limo haul his bloated, Adderall-engorged carcass to the Supreme Court where he stood at the justice’s coffin (masked by Melania so he wouldn’t start ranting about the deep state and how antifa gangs from anarchy jurisdictions are throwing cans of Bumble Bee Tuna at the suburbs) and pretend-paid his respects as his mind wandered off to thoughts of this weekend’s golf outings. The crowd below, mostly women, wasn’t having it, and they gave him the reception he deserved:
Somewhere in the hereafter, RBG let out an approving “Heh” and then went back to winning two-out-of-three in her bench-press competition with God.
JEERS to documenting the atrocities. The entire nation choked on their hydroxychloroquine capsules this week when the sitting president of the United States—I forget his name—decided to foreshadow a mad grab for unlimited power in order to keep his ass out of prison after January 20th, 2021:
President Donald Trump was asked Wednesday whether he would commit to a peaceful transfer of power should he lose this fall to Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden. The president declined to do so.
"Well, we're going to have to see what happens," Trump said. "You know that I've been complaining very strongly about the ballots, and the ballots are a disaster."
Pressed further, Trump said: "We'll want to have—get rid of the ballots and you'll have a very—we'll have a very peaceful—there won't be a transfer, frankly. There'll be a continuation."
Please don’t hate me, but I agree completely with President Superspreader. I, too, do not wish to have a peaceful transfer of power, and here's why: As Joe Biden is taking the oath, I want to see—as will 75 percent of all Americans—the Secret Service grab Trump by the scruff of the neck and his belt loop, heave him into a trash can, roll him through the streets of D.C. to Mount Vernon, then down the banks of George Washington's estate and into the Potomac, and watch him float away into the ocean and down to Mar-A-Lago to await his criminal trials. But other than that? Yes, let's keep it civil, people.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Democracy. On September 25, 1789, the First Federal Congress adopted twelve amendments to the Constitution and FedEx'd them to all 50 states for ratification. Ten of those amendments became the Bill of Rights. Had this same event occurred in 2020, the Senate Republicans would've re-written them to please ALEC, Grover Norquist, the NRA, Franklin Graham, and the remaining Koch brother, then rammed them through without any committee hearings or floor debate. But my point is: Ha Ha! They wore funny grampa socks back then!
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to pulling America out of the ditch. The two biggest issues of the 2020 election are—if you don’t include saving our democracy itself from the bad people—the coronavirus pandemic/health care and the economy. Only the red-hatted cultists who believe masks are sewn by Satan himself think Trump is more capable than Biden in dealing with the former. As for the latter, journalism superhero Kevin Drum at Mother Jones has seen the latest analysis by Moody's, and Republicans, as usual, got nothin' on Team D:
In every possible category, a Democratic sweep is better for the country than any other scenario. Moody’s even projects that Democrats would be better for the budget deficit than Republicans. [...]
[I]t’s pretty easy to summarize. If Democrats win, they’ll spend money to stimulate the economy out of its COVID-19 funk and this will help everybody. The spending will largely be financed by taxing the rich, which has only a small negative effect on the economy. But if Republicans win, they’ll keep the purse strings closed and instead pursue yet more tax cuts for the rich and trade wars with China. Neither one is especially good for the economy. It’s so simple.
The report coincides with our side’s new official slogan for the final stretch of the campaign: "Democrats—Go About Your Business, Folks, We'll Clean This Up. We Always Do."
JEERS to close calls. Sixty-five years ago this week, in 1955, stocks dropped like a rock…the fastest rate since 1929. The numbers sound positively quaint today:
The Dow Jones dropped 6.5%, 32 points, to 455, with a total paper loss of $14 billion, the largest ever.
Reason: Eisenhower's heart attack. Stocks quickly recovered, though, when the country realized he was still the president. Or, to be perfectly accurate, when the country realized that Richard Nixon wasn't.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the stuff that may or may not be flickering on your teevee screen this weekend. Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow are required viewing, but not before watching the new pandemic-adapted Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy! for their blood pressure-lowering clackity-clacks and Trebek's dulcet tones. (For a guy battling pancreatic cancer, he still absolutely rules that set.) Rep. Val Demings discusses the Supreme Court vacancy tonight on PBS’s Firing Line. On HBO's Real Time at 10, Bill Maher talks with Sen. Bernie Sanders, Jim Belushi, and CNN analyst Bakari Sellers.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (I’m currently binge-watching the five seasons of Schitt’s Creek after the comedy series’ sweep of the Emmys last Sunday.) The NFL schedule is here. The NBA schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here, while the Stanley Cup final schedule is here and the baseball lineup is here. Tomorrow night SNL re-airs the episode that earned Eddie Murphy an Emmy last weekend.
On 60 Minutes: legendary wildlife filmmaker David Attenborough on the climate crisis, and an update on felon voting rights in Florida. The 325th season of The Simpsons starts Sunday with Mr. Burns going under cover as “Fred” at the nuclear plant, and on the 187th season premiere of Family Guy Stewie finally says his first word. Then, hot off his Emmy win, John Oliver roars back to HBO Sunday night at 11 with a fresh episode of Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Former NSA chief Lt. General H.R. McPufnstuf; Sens. Cory Booker (D-NJ) and Roy Blunt (R-Trump Cult); new NBC News/Marist poll numbers out of Michigan and Wisconsin.
This Week: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Mike Lee (R-Trump Cult);
Face the Nation: Former CDC director Dr. Tom Frieden.
CNN's State of the Union: Speaker Nancy Pelosi; our next First Lady Jill Biden; Sens. Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Tom Cotton (R-Trump Cult).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) and John Kennedy (R-LA), the latter a highly-educated, highly-intelligent lawyer who will again pretend to be a country bumpkin confused by all these liberal city folk so he won’t offend his base; Lawrence Tribe is on the pundit panel. (Note: Brit Hume will be guest hosting because Chris Wallace couldn’t possibly spend an hour asking softball questions while he’s simultaneously preparing to ask ridiculously simple questions off a cocktail napkin when he hosts next week’s Biden-Trump debate.)
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 25, 2010
CHEERS to packin' up the Union Jack. Britain's message to Iraq and its American occupiers: "Yes, well, it's been jolly good fun I can tell you. But, you see, the thing is...how to put this politely...we're sort of getting sick and tired of dealing with rebellious chaps who would rather cut our balls off than sit down for a spot of tea and kippers. Most uncivilized, of course, but there it is. So have fun, Yanks, we're getting the hell out of here. Ta Ta!" Bye bye, Brits! See ya at the next war!
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And just one more…
CHEERS to returning to that quiet little white-bread redneck mountain town. After a year-long hiatus, the kids from South Park are back next week, and they're weighing in on the coronavirus pandemic with an hour-long episode Wednesday night. You've been such a great audience this week, here's a preview:
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Remember when this show used to be the craziest thing on TV? Now it’s full-on moment of zen. Crazy.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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