Late Night Snark: Just Leave Already Edition
"Trump still has almost 50 days left in office. We shouldn’t have this much time between the election and the inauguration. We should treat the White House like it's America's Airbnb. You lose the election, checkout's at 11am the next morning. Strip the sheets, leave the keys under the mat."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"It came out that President Trump might give Rudy Giuliani a 'preemptive' pardon. Now he's thinking about the same thing for his son-in-law Jared Kushner and his kids Ivanka, Eric and Don Jr. Trump said he wants to focus on taking care of his loved ones, those closest to him, and Eric."
—Jimmy Fallon
Continued...
"When will my parents pardon me?"
—Conan O'Brien
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"Attorney general William Barr just announced that he has not uncovered any evidence of widespread voter fraud that would change the outcome of the 2020 presidential election. It's so weird that they didn’t find evidence of the very thing they never backed up with any evidence."
—James Corden
“I’ve gotta say, Christmas has come early this year, as the president continues to shower us all with the gift of watching him lose every day, sometimes several times a day.”
—Stephen Colbert
"Re-establish diplomatic ties with old allies like France, Spain, and California…..Remove listening devices planted by Russia, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, China, Robert Mueller, Melania, and Billy Bush…..Just for fun, win Michigan three or four more times…..and finally, Purell the living hell out of that place."
—From Seth Meyers' list of Joe Biden's transition priorities
Don’t forget: the ACA enrollment deadline for 2021 coverage via the federal exchange ends 11 days from today. If you or someone you know needs coverage, make a note to get to Healthcare.gov this weekend and git ‘er done.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 4, 2020
Note: For those of you participating in the C&J Pharmaceuticals Covid-19 vaccine clinical trial who have suddenly sprouted a pine bough from your rectum, please report to Dr. Augenblick for a free pruning. (To speed the process, please remove your Christmas ornaments first.) —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days ‘til the Electoral College convenes to officially kick Trump to the curb: 10
Days 'til inauguration day: 47
Millions of people who will get vaccinated in December, January, and February, respectively, if Pfizer and Moderna's vaccines get rapid approval: 20 / 30 / 50
Number of vaccine doses Maine was promised by the Trump administration during the first wave, versus the 12,000 we're actually going to get: 36,000
Number of the 30 counties where Trump held campaign rallies during his final two weeks where he ended up getting fewer votes than he did in 2016: 25
Trump's record in post-election court cases: 1-44
Estimated amount U.S. airlines will reap in new pet fees now that the Transportation Dept. is making passengers check non-dog support animals into the cargo hold: $60 million
Percent chance that black women are the fastest-growing group of female entrepreneurs in the U.S., according to CNN: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop drinking…"
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JEERS to fiendish plots…foiled! With at least 50 ports along Maine’s coastline, you'd think that we in the Deep State could successfully arrange to have the North Koreans navigate a flotilla of ships across the Pacific, through the Panama Canal, and up the eastern seaboard to one of the aforementioned Maine ports, where millions of fraudulent ballots pre-marked for Joe Biden would be offloaded and carried by courier lobsters disguised in Groucho Marx glasses across the country to swing the election. But nooooo. We didn't count on our #1 nemesis to follow our every move:
Former Trump adviser Roger Stone claimed on Wednesday that North Korea had interfered in the U.S. presidential election. […]
"I just learned of absolute incontrovertible evidence of North Korean boats delivering ballots through a harbor in Maine, the state of Maine," Stone said.
"If this checks out, if law enforcement looked into that and it turned out to be true, it would be proof of foreign involvement in the election."
And we woulda got away with it, too, if not for that meddling Margaret McGillicutty in Kennebunkport and her brand-new Bushnell binoculars. To my C&J friends: when you send candy corn to my cell in Leavenworth after I’m found guilty of election fraud, please sneak a file in one of the kernels. With maximum effort I should be able to meet you and your getaway car out back sometime in 2029. Don’t be late.
CHEERS to VPOTUS vettings. Most of the post-election hubbub has been focused on Joe Biden's plans and appointments. I know it’s irrelevant, now that our plot to have North Korea steal the election has been thwarted, but for what it’s worth here's a little update on what his co-pilot is up to these days. In short, womaning-up:
Vice President-elect Kamala Harris announced new members of her senior White House team on Thursday, formally naming Tina Flournoy as her chief of staff. [Flournoy is] former President Bill Clinton’s chief of staff and a seasoned Democratic operative.
Harris on Thursday also announced that Nancy McEldowney, a former U.S. ambassador and veteran Foreign Service officer, will be her national security adviser, while Rohini Kosoglu, a senior adviser to the Biden-Harris campaign and transition team, will be her domestic policy adviser.
The additions to Harris’ office come after Ashley Etienne was announced as her communications director and Symone Sanders was announced as her senior adviser and chief spokesperson.
Overheard at the Glass Ceiling Emporium: “Cleanup in Aisle 46…”
CHEERS to sweet victory. On today's date in 1792, George Washington won reelection. It was a brutal campaign. His challenger was a real jerk named...um...George Washington. Watching him debate himself was actually a little creepy:
"Shan't!"
"Shall!"
"Shan't!"
"Shall!"
”Thou can’st sticketh a rubber—or rubber-like, depending upon the seasonal availability of materials—hose uppeth thy snooty Virginia nose.”
"Thy wife weareth the boots of a paymaster in the Continental Army!"
"Okay, okay...thou hast me there, I concedeth the point."
"Then bullocks to you, I win!"
Did I mention he owned his own distillery?
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to going in circles. On December 4th, 1877, Thomas Edison invented the phonograph in Menlo Park, New Jersey. I love downloading music, but I do miss vinyl. It had character. (Said the sad, bitter old Maine blogger to whomever he'd just drunk-dialed on his rotary phone.)
CHEERS to home vegetation. Remember the days when the TV had to "warm up" for like 60 seconds or more before it would even think of giving you a picture, and the channel changer went ka-CHUNK ka-CHUNK? Ha ha, good times.
For news junkies, the weekend starts tonight with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O'Donnell making sense out of chaos on MSNBC. The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here. (Please note that due to the spread of Covid throughout the league, all the quarterbacks will be replaced with specially-trained labradoodles.) Saturday night SNL returns with host Jason Bateman and musical guest Trained Labradoodle.
Sunday night at 7, CNN airs a debate between Georgia U.S. Senate candidates Kelly Loeffler (R-Trump Cult) and Rev. Raphael Warnock (D). No debate, however, between Jon Ossoff and David Perdue because the latter is too busy being a massive insider-trading crook. On 60 Minutes: the effect of the pandemic on college sports, and an idiot Republican PPE (non-)provider gets nailed for f*cking up everything, and an interview with actress Viola Davis. Lisa comes to regret calling her teacher Mrs. Hoover “a hack” on The Simpsons, and the town debates removing a statue of hero (and racist) “Pawtucket Pat” on Family Guy. Finally, Dolly Parton sings and passes out Covid vaccine candy canes during her new special A Holly Dolly Christmas Sunday at 8:30 on CBS.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Karen Bass (D-CA); Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA); White House vaccine coordinator Dr. Moncef Slaoui.
Face the Nation: Former CISA Director Chris Krebs; Nebraska Medicine CEO James Linder; Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot (D); White House vaccine coordinator Dr. Moncef Slaoui; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb.
Meet the Press: Roger Ebert lookalike Gabriel Sterling, the Georgia elections official who went on a righteous rant against Trump and Senate Republicans this week; Coronavirus Response Coordinator Dr. Deborah Birx, the lady who sat there while Trump suggested Americans should look into bleach injections; Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Former CIA director John Brennan; Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-LA); HHS Secretary Alex Azar.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 4, 2010
JEERS to tired old chest thumping. As the War on Billionaires heats up, both sides are claiming they'll end up on the winning end of the tax-cut debate. Republican Mitch McConnell says Democrats will cave on tax cuts for billionaires. Democrat Chuck Schumer says Republicans will cave on tax cuts for billionaires. Apparently Harry Reid wants it all wrapped up with a bow by Friday, so expect lots of right-leaning "trial balloons" and centrist "compromise sessions" this week that'll make you want to scream. If it helps, feel free to use my coping mechanism: pretend you're a billionaire.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Whenever the shit gets too deep here on the bluish-brown marble, I head over to NASA's site to see if our new Space Force is conquering every ball of gas and rock in the known galaxy. Sorry to say the answer is not yet, so we'll just have to spend our days and nights gazing yonward and dreaming of death stars and cloaked Klingon vessels. This month’s major celestial events include some hot planet-on-planet action and the Geminids meteor showers. Here's NASA's Preston Dyches with a preview:
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Preston carelessly forgot to mention another major cosmic December event: this week an astronaut became a senator. No biggie. We all make mistakes. But I still want that man fired.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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