RANDOLPH, NH. Speaking before a crowd of thousands and thousands in Randolph, New Hampshire (population: 310), Donald Trump today called for a total ban on Arabic numerals in the United States. Below is a complete transcript.
I mean, what do we need these Arabic numbers for? The Founding Fathers didn’t need them when they invented America — which was great, by the way, and we’re gonna make it great again — when they invented America in MDCCLXXVI. All these numbers do is encourage the Muslims; they see these numbers everywhere and I don’t know if it’s Sharif Law that we have to use them, but the Muslims, they take these numbers and they use them as codes, and that’s how they talk to ISIS on the internet, and we’re gonna have to take a look at the internet, by the way.
And all that algebra stuff that the Muslims invented — I was forced to learn that in school, by the way, I don’t know if you were too, but that’s total Sharif if I ever saw it, and that’s how they brainwash kids to join ISIS. What’s algebra gonna do to make America great again? We don’t need more equations! I know Ann Romney is one, but she’s a Mormon ditz, but at least she’s not as bad as that cow Rosie O’Donnell. And the Mormons, by the way, America’s gonna have to take another look at the Mormons. So the Mormons — the Muslims, sorry, it’s easy to get them mixed up — the Muslims, they take algebra, and they use it to build thousands and thousands of bombs.
So the Romans — the Romans love me, by the way, I have thousands and thousands of Catholics who work for me, and we’re gonna win the Roman vote next year and it’s gonna be great — the Romans had a great system for numbers and that’s something that we’re gonna be looking at.
Rome, by the way, I don’t know if you know this, but Rome is where Jesus invented Christianity. They loved him so much that they built a yuge stadium, and Jesus went there and he gave great speeches to thousands and thousands of Roman Catholics. He even did circus shows with lions, and people from the audience would come down like on The Price is Right, and the shows were great. We’re gonna build more stadiums, by the way, and they’re gonna be yuge. They even gave Jesus his own city, right in the middle of Rome, with a big palace — kind of like my Trump hotels and casinos, by the way, and we’re gonna build more casinos and yuge palaces and they’re gonna be great — so thousands and thousands of people would come to the square there to listen to Jesus. It’s a shame that the Pope took it over, by the way; he’s a loser and a total idiot, and we’re gonna have to take a look at him and maybe do some things that we’ve never done before.
You might not know this, but the Romans started off as Pagans, because there weren’t any supermarkets there, so they only had vegetables, but then Jesus got them to eat fish, and after that they discovered meat, and then they invented thousands and thousands of great dishes like chicken parm and fettucine Alfredo and veal piccata — all of which we serve at the Trump hotels and casinos, by the way.
So we’re gonna ban the Arab numbers, and it’s gonna be great and it’s gonna be totally automated. We’re gonna do a search and replace in Microsoft Letter — my assistant does it all the time when she replaces “Jews” with “Muslims.”