From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
And Speaking of Taiwan…
The Taiwanese Animators don’t seem to give a rat's p'tootey that Worst President Who Hasn't Even Taken The Oath Yet shot a spitwad up China's nose Friday. They're still busy reporting on Mitt's grub 'n grovel moment. I mean, how could they not???
Romney is only worth $250 million, according to the internet. So it’s encouraging to see Trump spending some quality time with a peasant.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 5, 2016
Note: After watching the president-elect ignite a diplomatic firestorm with China by way of a single phone call, I will never laugh at or otherwise mock people who build backyard survival bunkers stocked with Spam, water, porn, and short-wave radios ever again. Pinky swear.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til winter: 16
Days 'til the lighting of the National Menorah in Washington DC: 20
Number of states where more white people died than were born in 2014, up from 4 states in 2004 according to The Washington Post: 17
Minimum number of American Airlines flight attendants who say their new uniforms have caused itching, rashes, hives, headaches and other health problems (the union wants all the uniforms replaced): 1,000
Percent increase in traffic accidents on a stretch of Maine's I-295 north of Portland since the speed limit was raised from 65 to 70mph, according to The Portland Press Herald: 32%
Amount by which Nestle says it can now cut the sugar in its chocolate without affecting the taste: 40%
Number of "gotta-have" toy Hatchimals that have been sold in their first seven weeks: 400,000
Totally Random NFL Score
New England Patriots 26 Los Angeles Rams 10
Tom Brady becomes winningest NFL quarterback ever at 201.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Today's C&J Jeopardy! Clue: "Zoey, Maggie, Chloe…and Tucker, Jax and Zeus." And the question is: "What are….."
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CHEERS to events in 2016 that don’t suck. Congratulations, Dakota Access Pipeline protesters at the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation. You stood up, you fought back, you made good trouble…and you won:
A day that began with prayers ended with victory dances Sunday as Native Americans and environmentalists here celebrated the news that President Barack Obama's administration would halt construction of the Dakota Access pipeline.
In the most substantial blow yet to the much-contested pipeline, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers denied an easement for the pipeline to cross Lake Oahe, a Corps reservoir on the Missouri River in North Dakota. That remained the only contested portion of the 1,172-mile pipeline, which is nearly completed.
It's a victory for sovereign Indian rights over the white man. But it may not be over yet. In 46 days you'll have to deal with something far worse: the orange man.
CHEERS to cooler heads prevailing. There was an election over the weekend in Austria that many considered to be a sign of whether or not the Brexit/Trump nutball/hate movement was going to sink its hooks deeper into Europe. Duking it out were candidates from the center-left and the far-right, with polls confounding the experts. To their credit, they didn’t flush their country down the toilette:
Austria's far-right presidential candidate was soundly defeated on Sunday, confounding forecasts of a tight election in which he would ride a wave of populism sweeping the West.
Norbert Hofer lost to former Greens leader Alexander Van der Bellen, who had put the June Brexit referendum at the center of his campaign, saying the far right would lead Austria down the same road and warning voters not to "play with this fire".
Hofer, of the anti-immigration and anti-Islam Freedom Party (FPO), was seeking to become Europe's first freely elected far-right head of state since World War Two but conceded defeat soon after polls closed. […] European governments breathed a sigh of relief at the result, which opinion polls beforehand had said was too close to call.
The Trump clone lost with 46%---the same percent Trump himself got when he won. Everybody say it with me now: fuck the electoral college.
P.S. Looks like I spoke too soon. Italy apparently went off the deep end yesterday. Mama Mia! (And not in a happy-go-lucky ABBA way.)
CHEERS and JEERS to starting your morning off with a little "Ch'ching” check. Some economy/business-related headlines we plucked out over the weekend to give you a quick snapshot of how the mighty gears of commerce are turning hither and yon:
• Economy adds 178,000 jobs in November, unemployment rate at 4.6%
• Longest positive employment streak since WW II
• Fed chair suggests rate hike imminent
• GDP 3.2% in third quarter, revised up from 2.9%
• OPEC to cut oil output, minimal effect expected
• Tens of thousands of low-wage workers flood the streets demanding higher pay
• 36 percent of purchases from Thanksgiving through Cyber Monday made via phone/tablet
• Starbucks CEO steps down; company stock percolated 527% on his watch
• Housing prices back to pre-2008 levels
And this just in: experts have concluded that the Death Star would cost $7.7 octillion to operate. But that'll drop to 5 octillion after President Trump negotiates a very beautiful deal and gets Yoda to pay for it.
CHEERS to sweet victory. On today's date in 1792, George Washington won reelection. It was a brutal campaign. His challenger was a real jerk named...um...George Washington. Watching him debate himself was actually a little creepy: "Shan't!" "Shall!" "Shan't!" "Shall!" "Thy wife weareth the boots of a paymaster in the Continental Army!" "Okay, okay...thou hast me there, I concedeth the point." "Then bullocks to you, I win!" Oh...Did I mention he owned his own distillery?
JEERS to getting blinded by the white. Yes, there was a KKK Trump victory parade in some patch of podunk North Carolina Saturday. But, as you'd expect, it was just a small bunch of yahoos flying southern traitor flags from their pickup trucks as they skittered from point A to point B like cockroaches along an abandoned house’s floorboards. In fact, had police not looked the other way, the parade would've become the first in history to be cited for speeding. And, yeehaw, look at that crowd...
There were no incidents along the route, although when they reached the finish line several members were treated for windburn.
CHEERS to #8. Martin Van Buren (aka "Martin Van Ruin") turns a sprightly 234 today. In the negative column, he sat around picking his nose during the depression and panic of 1837, and was on duty during the time of the shameful Trail of Tears. In the plus column, he averted conflicts with Britain and Canada. In the "sleeping on the couch" column, he never once mentioned his wife, Hannah, in his autobiography. And check out this bit of mudslinging from Tennessee Congressman Davy Crockett before he made his one-way trip to the Alamo (from "Anything for a Vote" by Joseph Cummins):
"[Martin Van Buren] is fifty-three years old, and notwithstanding his baldness, which reaches all round and over half down his head, like a white pitch plaster, leaving a few white floating locks, he is only three years older than I am.
His face is a good deal shriveled, and he looks sorry, not for anything he has gained, but for what he may lose…
Martin Van Buren is laced up in corsets, such as women in a town wear, and if possible tighter than the best of them. It would be difficult to say from his personal appearance, whether he was a man or a woman, but for his large red and gray whiskers."
Fox News would never hire Crockett as a pundit today. Too restrained.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 5, 2006
GOOD RIDDANCE to John Bolton. Despite a desperate plea from his wife to keep him away from home a bit longer, the U.S. Hater of the U.N. joins Brownie, Powell, Rumsfeld et al. on the growing scrapheap of exiled Bush administration failures. Good luck with that mall Santa gig in Hackensack, buddy. [12/5/16 Update: Like an egg salad belch, Bolton just can't stay down. He's still in consideration for a role in the Trump campaign. And this time the world will be his nuclear-fetish oyster.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to your start-of-the-week reality check. Another Monday has rolled up to the front of the queue, and before you trundle off to begin another week of trundle-related program activities, it's always a good idea to check in with NASA's eye in the sky and make sure humanity hasn't lost its marble:
Looks like we're good to go! And since President Obama is still in charge of the nuclear launch codes, I'd say we have a decent shot at making it to Friday intact. Enjoy that happy feeling while you can.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Capable of growing to 10 feet long and weighing upwards of 400 pounds, Bill in Portland Maine lives in oxygen-poor kiddie pool waters and surfaces to breathe.
---The Week
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