From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things I learned from Republicans in February
Drink thy fill at the fountain of conservative knowledge, kiddie poolers:
Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is the real victim of the Flint lead-poisoning crisis. (Michigan state senator Tom Casperson)
The practice of shooting Muslims with bullets dipped in pig fat should be a U.S. military option. (Donald Trump)
Liberals want to sandblast the Star-of-David and Christian Crosses off of servicemembers' gravestones. (Ted Cruz)
If we don’t elect Ted Cruz in November, America will implode and we'll never have another election ever, and "that's not hyperbole." (Tony Perkins)
Marco Rubio is actively campaigning against the hard-fought rights of white men. (Ann Coulter)
Climate change was Karl Marx's idea. (Mary Lou Bruner, candidate for the State Board of Education in northeast Texas)
Asylum seekers are the biggest problem in Maine because they bring disease, including the "ziki fly." (Maine Gov. Paul LePage)
President Obama murdered Antonin Scalia as a sacrifice to pagan fascism. (Pastor Rick Wiles)
No, God murdered Antonin Scalia to give Ted Cruz a boost in his poll numbers. (Glenn Beck)
Antonin Scalia should still be able to vote on cases before the Supreme Court from beyond the grave. (Arizona attorney Kory Langhofer)
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And this month's winner, from the mind of party boss Donald Trump: The dumber you are, the more Republicans like you.
Now that you’ve absorbed all that, put an icepack on your head for a few minutes to cool off your dendrites.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 25, 2016
Note: A quick heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday, but we'll be back bright and early on Tuesday. Also a quick heads-up that in 50 trillion years the universe will explode in a giant fireball that will morph into a massive black hole that eats itself. Please plan accordingly.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the TX68 asteroid flies by earth: 9
Days 'til the Out West 2016 Balloon Festival in Glendale Arizona: 8
Annual cost of running the Guantanamo Bay prison: $450 million
Minimum number of old lead pipes running from water mains to homes and businesses in Flint, based on a records search by University of Michigan-Flint professor Marty Kaufman: 8,000
Cost to replace them per pipe: $2,000-$3,000
Percent chance that Ben Carson's campaign is just getting started, according to Ben Carson: 100%
Miles driven by Americans last year: 3.15 trillion
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
One of the most dangerous things about this whole corrupt system is that people who are given special privileges inevitably come to regard them not as special but as natural and right, and will fight furiously if you try to take them away. […]
[W]hat is truly not funny is the pathetic spectacle of the United States of America, a nation with the greatest political legacy the world has ever known, letting itself be gnawed to death by the greed in a corrupt system that can be so easily fixed.
---February, 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
No surprise. Again.
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CHEERS to baby steps. By my count there are 89 countries, 542 militias and 18 terrorist groups representing 20,439 different religious factions now trying to beat each other's brains out in Syria out for one reason: "We hate you. P'tooey!" Anything even resembling a cease fire in that region is good news. So kudos to Secretary of State John Kerry and his international counterparts for making the attempt, even if it's as fragile as the CPU welded to Marco Rubio’s motherboard:
The ceasefire agreement calls on all signatories to allow for the distribution of humanitarian aid, along with an end to all sieges and the release of all detainees, particularly women and children.
Most importantly, however, it calls for a “cessation of hostilities” against all parties involved in the truce.
Terrorist groups---including ISIS and the al Nusra front---are not part of the agreement. That means that all sides can continue to attack those or other terrorist outfits. That exception might be the agreement’s undoing, since Russian and Syrian regime forces have persistently carried out attacks against moderate opposition groups as well as civilians under the pretense of attacking terrorists.
You can follow the AP's updates via The New York Times here. If it helps, feel free to hold your breath.
CHEERS to the adult in the room. Once again it falls on President Obama to lead from in front, behind and sideways on a major issue facing this country, because Republicans are too busy getting boozed up and slapping themselves on the back for grinding the government to a standstill. (Quick---name one thing they've done this year to justify their paychecks. Exactly.) This time it's a Supreme Court vacancy, and while Obama has the majority of the public on his side for filling it this year, he still has to reassure the ‘Murican people that he understands the process. Yesterday he showed up on SCOTUSblog to lay out the reasonableness:
Rulings handed down by the Supreme Court directly affect our economy, our security, our rights, and our daily lives. …
Needless to say, this isn’t something I take lightly. It’s a decision to which I devote considerable time, deep reflection, careful deliberation, and serious consultation with legal experts, members of both political parties, and people across the political spectrum. […]
A sterling record. A deep respect for the judiciary’s role. An understanding of the way the world really works. That’s what I’m considering as I fulfill my constitutional duty to appoint a judge to our highest court. And as Senators prepare to fulfill their constitutional responsibility to consider the person I appoint, I hope they’ll move quickly to debate and then confirm this nominee so that the Court can continue to serve the American people at full strength.
Completely true, well-reasoned and benign thoughts. Or as Republicans call them: tyranny.
CHEERS to being a fly on the wall. One can only imagine what really happened on February 25, 1793, when George Washington held his first cabinet meeting at his estate at Mount Vernon. But one thing is certain: Hamilton was convinced that Jefferson's mother wore combat boots, and Jefferson was positive that Hamilton would be best served by irrigating his nose with a rubber hose. I believe the president sent them both to bed without supper.
JEERS to binders full of derp. Mitt Romney---Mr. Establishment himself---proved that he's still great at one thing. Clumsiness:
Mitt Romney warned Wednesday that Donald Trump’s tax returns could contain a “bombshell” in a biting attack that hinted at clear signs of alarm in the Republican establishment at the billionaire’s tightening grip on the party’s presidential race. […]
It was also an attack steeped in irony, since Romney was on the receiving end of similar claims by then-Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, when Democrats eviscerated him over his fortune and business record during the 2012 campaign. […]
Romney’s move appeared to not just be a sign of concern that Trump---after defying pundits and political logic since he launched his “outsider” campaign last summer---could actually go on to claim the Republican nomination.
As usual, his hypocrisy is just the right height.
JEERS to spoiling our snack break. Mars (the company, not the planet) is recalling Mars Bars, Milky Way Bars, Snickers Bars, and Celebrations Packs produced between Dec. 5, 2015 and Jan. 18, 2016 because they may contain chunks of plastic. The recall extends over 55 countries, and mostly concerns candy bars that were produced at a plant in Holland, so look for "Mars Netherlands" on the wrapper. Health officials and company executives say the health effects of eating the orange-ish plastic include broken teeth, intestinal discomfort and, if enough is eaten, Trumpface.
CHEERS to the prank of the decade. I have no intention of letting this week go by without remembering the glorious day five years ago when Ian Murphy at the Buffalo Beast punk'd Scott Walker by convincing the Wisconsin governor that he was speaking on the phone to David Koch of the infamous Koch brothers. It gave the country a glimpse into the scheming black heart of the Man Who Would Be President If He Didn't Have The Charisma Of A Rutabaga:
The conversation continues:
the other man talks about his plans to threaten workers with layoffs, about sowing divisions between the public sector and private sector unions, and the potential for their union busting efforts to spread to other states. "This is our moment," he tells Murphy when Murphy describes him as "the first domino."
The call ends with Murphy-as-Koch promising, "once you crush these bastards, I'll fly you out to Cali and really show you a good time." "All right," the other man says, "That would be outstanding."
Walker also had a good chuckle and agreed enthusiastically when "David Koch" called Mika Brzezinski a "real piece of ass." Our condolences to anyone in the Badger State who didn’t vote for this hack but got stuck with him for two terms anyway. We Mainers know how you feel.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 25, 2006
JEERS to same day, same liar. Donald Rumsfeld assures the world that we've stopped paying to have the Iraqi press run pro-U.S. articles in their papers. Oops...it turns out we're not. Rummy's excuse? "I just misstated the facts." Amazing...he doesn't even pretend anymore.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handey. Like Stephen Wright, he can cram more beautiful, bizarre absurdity into a sentence or two than most people can in a thousand. His books, which I've dog-eared to death, have a place of honor on my bookshelf. Without further ado, here are a few of our favorite Deep Thoughts to celebrate his 67th birthday:
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
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For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
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I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
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I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
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If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
Have a deep Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Bill in Portland Maine burped … Liberating! Everybody knows this feeling!!!”
---Edin Mehic
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