From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Last C&J Late Night Snark Sampler of Winter
"A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn’t even see who they were punching."
---Jimmy Fallon
“Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump, while others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.”
---Conan O'Brien
“While announcing last night that he is dropping out, Marco Rubio told supporters, ‘We should have seen this coming.’ If it makes you feel any better, Marco...we did.”
---Seth Meyers
“A very big 'Happy Birthday' to the internet's favorite Supreme Court justice and all-around badass Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Ginsburg is having such a burst of popularity that they're making a movie about her life starring Natalie Portman. The only way the internet could love this any more is if Katy Perry did the soundtrack and Benedict Cumberbatch played her gavel."
---Chris Hardwick, host of @midnight
"It's Daylight Saving Time, my least favorite holiday. … Why does it have to happen on the weekend? Why can't they do it on a Wednesday at four? Hey look, now it's five---time to go home!"
---Stephen Colbert
And one year ago:
"This new Congress is just getting started, which is why I want to acknowledge the leader of the House Republicans---as soon as I figure out who that is."
---President Obama at the Gridiron Dinner
Pour a tall one and come on down and splash. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 18, 2016
Note: I just found a way to hack into that guy's iPhone. It's called "Siri, hack into that guy's iPhone." (I expect an honorary G-Man badge now, Comey.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Democratic primaries in Utah, Arizona and Idaho (caucus): 4
Days 'til the Festival of Colors in Spanish Fork, Utah: 8
Weekly unemployment claims, the 53rd week under 300k, and a continuing sign of a healthier job market: 265,000
Average credit rating of women and men, respectively, according to a survey by Experian: 675 / 670
Rank of Minnesota and Nevada among state residents with the highest and lowest credit scores: #1, #50
Odds of randomly picking a perfect NCAA bracket, according to some web site: 1 in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808
Percent chance that the NCAA is still a horrible organization that puts profits above students: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
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CHEERS to supremely dum-dum logic. The official Republican position on President Obama's SCOTUS nominee---as of now, at least, it changes often---is that they'll give Merrick Garland a hearing and a vote after the 2016 election…unless Hillary or Bernie loses to Trump in which case fuck you, Mr. President. Mighty principled of them, no? Meanwhile, the vetting of Garland is underway. Besides being the World’s Best Dad (source: his coffee mug), Zoe Tillman at National Law Journal took a peek under his financial hood, and he's as on the up-and-up as he looks:
Some federal appeals judges earn tens of thousands of dollars in teaching salaries and book royalties, travel the globe---with their hosts paying the way---and receive gifts that have included event tickets and a seat on a private plane. Not Merrick Garland.
President Barack Obama’s third nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court leads an uneventful life off the bench, at least according to his latest annual financial reports. Garland, a judge on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit since 1997 and chief judge since 2013, didn’t earn any income on top of his judicial salary in 2014, according to the most recent financial disclosure report that he filed last year. He didn’t report any outside income the previous two years.
Garland reported no gifts, no financial agreements and no financial liabilities.
In other words, he's the opposite of Antonin Scalia, who accepted all kinds of questionable gifts and trips his corporate owners threw his way (he was on one of those trips when he croaked). No wonder Republicans refuse to meet with Judge Garland---integrity is their kryptonite.
P.S. Gold star for Maine Senator Susan Collins, who is going rogue by ever-so-politely demanding hearings for Judge Garland. "As Maine goes…?" Sadly, probably not this time.
JEERS to the smirk seen ‘round the world. That’s all Michigan Governor Rick Synder did yesterday during the House Oversight Committee hearing on the Flint lead-poisoning crisis: smirk and act like a spoiled brat trying to justify to his mommy why he don’ wanna eat his vegetables. It was a pathetic display of indifference (he refused to even acknowledge the busloads of Flint residents who traveled to watch in person) that matched the snail’s pace at which he has addressed the lead-poisoning crisis to this very day. But Congressman Matt Cartwright (D-PA) had Snyder’s number, and provided the must-see exchange of the day:
"Plausible deniability only works when it's plausible, and I'm not buying that you didn’t know about any of this until October 2015---you were not in a medically-induced coma for a year. And I've had about enough with your false contrition and your phony apologies. … There you are, dripping with guilt but drawing a paycheck, hiring lawyers at the expense of the people, and doing your dead-level best to spread accountability to others. … Pretty soon we will have men who strike their wives saying, 'I'm sorry, dear, but there were failures at all levels.' People who put dollars over the fundamental safety of the people do not belong in government, and you need to resign, Governor Snyder."
If it was up to me, that’s what I’d carve into Snyder's tombstone. Maybe God will do it anyway---i hear He’s pretty handy with lightning and stone.
CHEERS to strapping on Jetpack One and blowing this popsicle stand. Boys and girls, this weekend you're going to want to be near a livestream feed so you can be a witness to history. On Sunday Barack HUSSEIN Obama will become the first United States President to visit Cuba since the last Marxist America hater did in 1928 (I believe his name was Calvin "Commie" Coolidge). A bit of his agenda:
During his two-day trip to Cuba next week, President Obama will meet with dissidents and young entrepreneurs, attend a state dinner with Cuban President Raúl Castro and even catch a baseball game […]
Traveling with first lady Michelle Obama and their daughters Sasha and Malia, the president will start his trip soon after landing Sunday with a walking tour of Old Havana, where they'll see historic buildings that make up the city's core. At a church there, Obama will meet with Cardinal Jaime Ortega, who helped facilitate the months-long, secret negotiations that led to the U.S. and Cuba agreeing to re-establish diplomatic relations. […]
[Deputy National Security Adviser Ben] Rhodes would not say which critics Obama will meet with in Havana, but he said they will "represent a diverse and important set of voices in Cuba, prominent dissidents, people who've made enormous sacrifices."
More info here via The White House. And in the latest sign of relations thawage, the U.S. and Cuba have restored regular mail service. Or as we mostly call it these days: coupons.
CHEERS to "Uncle Jumbo." Happy Birthday to #22 and #24, Grover Cleveland, born March 18, 1837. He’s the only president to serve two non-concurrent terms, from 1885-1889 and 1893-1897. Fun fact: his daughter Ruth, born between terms, was so popular that Nestle named its Baby Ruth candy bar after her. On the darker side, according to Cormac O'Brien's book Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents, as sheriff of Erie County, New York in the 1870s Cleveland "personally threw the noose around the necks of two convicted criminals," and sprang the trap door, making him the only American president who personally hanged someone. That is, if you don't count presidents Hoover, Nixon and George W. Bush, who did a pretty good job of hanging themselves.
CHEERS to embracing the dark side. Don’t forget to turn off your lights (yes, including your lava lamp) tomorrow night at 8:30 and join the world in going dark for Earth Hour:
Earth Hour is a worldwide grassroots movement uniting people to protect the planet, and is organised by WWF.
Engaging a massive mainstream community on a broad range of environmental issues, … The first Earth Hour event was on March 31 2007. WWF-Australia inspired Sydney-siders to show their support for climate change action.
More than 2.2 million individuals and 2,000 businesses turned their lights out for one hour in the first Earth Hour event.
Give it a try! You'll save a little juice, save a little scratch, join the rest of the planet in a good cause, and as a special bonus you'll experience what happens inside a Republican's head when someone asks them to come up with a good idea.
CHEERS to strategic cutting and running. In a move that would've gotten him court-martialed by George W. Bush for "not finishing the job," on Sunday’s date in 1942, General Douglas MacArthur pulled out of the Philippines during World War II so his forces could live to fight the Japanese another day. His words that day live on in the history books: "I shall return." Not so historic were the words that followed: "Accelerator's on the right, Chumley. First hit the clutch...now give it some gas...a little more...great, now you've stalled, try it again. I swear, this is the last time I moonlight as a war zone driving instructor..."
CHEERS to home vegetation. Yeah, there’s stuff on TV this week. Tonight on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher's guests include journalist/filmmaker Michael Ware, Barney Frank, Sister Simone Campbell, #NeverTrump supporter Rick Wilson and musician Esperanza Spalding. New DVD/streaming releases include Oscar nominees Carol, The Big Short and Brooklyn. NCAA hoops action will have millions tossing their busted brackets into the shredder. The hockey schedule is here (the Bruins will make the Anaheim Ducks wish they’d never been “hatched,” ha ha ha ha ha!!!) and the NBA schedule is here. Sunday keep an eye out for live coverage of the Obama family's arrival in Cuba. On 60 Minutes: what the hell makes Cornel West tick, and a profile of St. Benedict's School in Newark. On The Simpsons, Marge's social media posts cost Homer his job. And John Oliver wraps up the week on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: Mitch McConnell bullshits his way through his interview by invoking the non-existent "Thurmond Rule." Plus: White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough; and GOP chairman Reince Priebus is unintelligible through his sobs.
Face the Nation: Bernie!!! John Kasich makes balloon animals with his jowls and Lindsey Graham reveals who he plans to switch his allegiance to next week. Frank Luntz focus-groups some voters, and it will scare you to death.
Meet the Press: Mitch McConnell bullshits his way through his interview by invoking the non-existent "Biden Rule." Harry Reid tears him apart. John Kasich goes off on a ten-minute rant about people who don't clean up after their dogs.
CNN's State of the Union: Mitch McConnell bullshits his way through his interview by invoking the non-existent "Obama Rule." Plus: more sobbing from Priebus and John Kasich plays the Buckeye Fight Song on the tuba.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Mitch McConnell bullshits his way through his interview by invoking the non-existent "Mitch McConnell is an Asshole Rule." Plus: Denis McDonough.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 18, 2006
JEERS to profiteering. A new government audit shows that lots of money was wasted in the awarding of (limited or no-bid) contracts to companies hired to provide hurricane relief. The biggest example of waste cited: the paychecks of George W. Bush and Michael Brown.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to my annual rite of Spring. In just a handful of hours, at 12:30am, I'm going to put on my tutu, strap on my fairy wings, go outside, and romp barefoot through the barley fields with the wee village folk to usher in the second season of 2016, which in Maine we call "Winter, Part Dieux," but which you know better as spring. Frankly, we hope your 10-day outlook is a little springier than ours up here in Lobster Land. Here's a cool look at what all this equinox business looks like from space:
Fun fact: this is spring's earliest arrival since 1896, which either means absolutely nothing or the Rapture is upon us. We'll find out soon enough. Might not be a bad idea to pack a suitcase before you turn in.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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