From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
"Dear Reince…"
It's no secret that, with Donald Whatzisorangeface as the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, party members are scrambling to come up with excuses for not attending the GOP convention in Cleveland next month. Out of sympathy for those who understandably don’t want to be seen within a hundred miles of the guy who was just endorsed by Kim Jong Un, C&J offers some totally-plausible reasons why, golly gee shucks, they just can't make it:
I need to spend more time at home with my family, friends, boat, RV and/or pet chinchilla.
With Trump as the nominee, I'm going to actually have to spend all my time working to get elected/re-elected.
The dog ate my convention tickets. (Finally, after I slathered them in enough gravy.)
My mom grounded me after she heard my speech calling Social Security a Ponzi scheme.
I have globophobia---an intense fear of balloons.
I have papyrophobia---an intense fear of confetti.
My mistress from the megachurch needs another abortion.
Scheduling conflict---I already committed to be at a different white supremacy event.
There's really nothing fun to see in Cleveland now that the Cuyahoga River no longer catches on fire.
Taking inventory of the canned goods in my survival bunker.
Congressional funding for Zika virus research will require all of my inattention.
Benghazi!
Take your pick, Goopers. Glad to be of service.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Note: Due to a shortage of Legos, the height of the new C&J mega office tower complex has been reduced from 1,590 feet to 3 (including 2½-foot antenna). We regret the inconvenience. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the primaries in the Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico: 3, 4
Days 'til the Virginia Cheese Festival in Blacksburg: 10
Amount by which a gallon of gas is cheaper this year than last: 50 cents
Percent of registered voters who believe Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, respectively, have the right temperament to be president, according to a CBS News poll: 48%, 27%
Approval/disapproval of California Gov. Jerry Brown, according to a Public Policy Institute of California poll: 52%, 28%
Age of Chicago's Navy Pier as of 2016: 100
Height of the pier's new Centennial Ferris Wheel, 50 feet higher than the last one: 196 feet
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Mid-week Rapture Index:
183 (including 4 gogs and 1 dramatic announcement about certain afterlife rewards). Soul Protection Factor 14 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
Update on Bo and Sunny…
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CHEERS to June! Dad and the flag get their day, gay pride breaks out across the country (June 19 here in Portland) and Atlantic hurricane season starts today (We've already had storms Alex and Bonnie, so the official first storm of this season is Colin). The Democrats wrap up the primary season in 13 days, awarding more than enough delegates to make Hillary Clinton the first woman nominee in U.S. history. It's Candy Month, Adopt-A-Cat Month and, if we can squeeze it in, Accordion Awareness Month. Ramadan starts in 4 days. Plus: according to my wall calendar the Queen gets two freakin' holiday celebrations, one in New Zealand (next Monday) and one in Australia (the 13th). Speaking of the Queen, Britain votes on whether or not to leave the European Union on the 23rd. There's a full moon on the 20th, so be prepared to amble into the back yard and wink at Neil Armstrong. Sequel mania hits the Independence Day, Finding Nemo and Ninja Turtles franchises. Oh, and a special message from our Maine mosquitoes: "Come on up---we'd love to have ya for a drink sometime."
P.S. "Lottery in June, corn be heavy soon!" So who drew the black spot this year? I gotta get these rocks thrown and then park my butt on the couch in time for Judge Judy.
CHEERS to utter, complete failure. Oklahoma was poised to become the center of America's anti-LGBT universe. The Republican-dominated legislature had 29 bills lined up that were designed to make an entire class of people with immutable characteristics unequal. Last Friday they adjourned for the year according to the Human Rights Campaign via email…
…without passing any of the 29 heinous anti-LGBT bills that were introduced.
This included the anti-transgender Senate Bill 1619, which would have forced schools to make accommodations for students who purported to have religious objections to sharing a sex-segregated space with transgender students.
Going a step further, the legislation also strangely stated that allowing students with religious objections to use a single-user facility was not an acceptable accommodation.
No doubt many of those bills will be back next year, but for now they're dead as a heterosexual doornail. What more can we say? Okie dokey!
CHEERS to an idea that was ahead of its time. On June 1, 1869, Thomas Edison received a patent for his mechanical voting machine. He lost money because no one wanted to use it. Democrats found it too easy to hack and Republicans found it too hard to hack.
CHEERS to bouncy time in space. It took the space station crew a couple tries, but they finally completed their latest expansion:
Astronauts aboard the International Space Station on Saturday inflated an experimental fabric module that may provide a less expensive and safer option for housing crews during long stays in space, a NASA TV broadcast showed.
Designed and built by privately owned Bigelow Aerospace, the Bigelow Expandable Activity Module, or BEAM, is the first inflatable habitat to be tested with astronauts in space.
Las Vegas-based Bigelow Aerospace previously flew two unmanned prototypes. Lightweight inflatables are far less costly to launch than traditional metal modules. They also may provide astronauts with better radiation protection.
Now that the inflatable room is set up, phase two will commence when the next SpaceX pod delivers five-thousand plastic balls.
CHEERS to food for news junkies. 36 years ago today---in 1980 at exactly 5pm ET---CNN started our information addiction by broadcasting round-the-clock news under the guidance of Ted Turner. Back in the early days they had A-list anchors like Bernard Shaw, Mary Alice Williams and Lou Waters. Their coverage of the Challenger disaster and Gulf War I was riveting. Today one of their ace anchors is Don Lemon, who recently wondered aloud if a missing Malaysia Air jetliner has been abducted by aliens. Dear god, Ted, what happened?
CHEERS to the constitutional separation of drums and guitars. Fifty-five years ago, at 12:01am on June 1, 1961, FM stereo was enjoyed for the first time by WGFM radio listeners in Schenectady, New York. (Chicago's WEFM had to wait an hour to join the revolution because of the time-zone difference.) Rush Limbaugh broadcasts on a handful of FM stations, and I understand it's quite an experience. He snarls in your left ear and froths in your right.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 1, 2006
CHEERS to the Dixie Chicks. Their new CD debuted at #1 on the Billboard charts. C&J's new CD, "Clogging Towards Gomorrah," did not. (There's no accounting for taste these days.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to good eats. President Obama's recent Asia tour will be best remembered for his historic visit to Hiroshima, Japan. But he also made a pit-stop in Vietnam that was the opposite of that high-profile event. In a similar (though far-less remote) situation as his leftover-salmon feast with TV host Bear Grylls in Alaska last year, Obama sat down for a $6 meal of bun Cha noodles and beer with Anthony Bourdain at a little "working class joint" in Hanoi for an upcoming episode of Parts Unknown. The chef later revealed a few nuggets about the experience, including:
• He clearly enjoyed sitting on a low plastic stool eating bun Cha . It felt to me like his night off. Even with Secret Service lurking nearby.
• The reaction among regular people in Hanoi to the fact that the US President chose to eat Bun Cha was beyond all imagining. The effect was unbelievable. People were actually crying the next day, describing to me their shock and their pride, the reactions of their neighbors, to this completely unexpected choice of meal---and the venue.
• He was among the very few guests on my show who ever asked the camera crew if they got to eat too. And he made a point of taking a picture with all of them when we were done.
We'll file this in our bursting-at-the-seams We're Gonna Miss This Guy When He's Gone file. And in other Asia news, North Korea's Kim Jong Un just endorsed Donald Trump for president. If you suddenly find yourself in need of a clean pair of underwear thinking of the ramifications of a GOP victory in November: C&J gift shop, aisle three.
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking may have a good grasp of the workings of the universe, but he says he can't understand Bill in Portland Maine's popularity.
---AP
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