If she loses Calif, that proves she is weak and unpopular.
If Bernie supporters don’t show up at the polls tomorrow, it’s because of voter suppression.
If HRC supporters don’t show up at the polls, it’s because of their lack of enthusiasm.
If the AP announces that HRC is the presumptive nominee, they are doing it to tilt the table in her favor because they know she would otherwise lose.
If they don’t announce that she’s the presumptive nominee, it’s because she wants a choreographed coronation on prime-time TV with maximum pomp.
If Bernie outperforms the polls, it’s because he’s sublime.
If HRC outperforms the polls, it’s because she cheated.
If HRC asks the media not to trumpet her presumptive-nominee status, she’s being fake-humble.
If she accepts the math, she’s arrogant.
If she shouts, it’s annoying.
If Bernie shouts, he’s passionate.
If she points to her historic achievement as a woman, she’s playing the woman card.
If anyone is happy to see a woman succeed, that’s stupid identity politics. (Especially if women are happy: they’re undemocratic shrews voting with their vaginas.)
If anyone is happy to see a socialist or Jew succeed, that’s a sign of progressivism and liberality.
If any man is happy to see HRC defeated, it certainly has nothing to do with her gender.
If any politician or public figure endorses Hillary, it’s because they’re corrupt.
If anyone endorses Bernie, it’s because he deserves it.
If superdelegates choose HRC, it’s because they’ve worked with her for thirty years and are scared of her.
If superdelegates choose Bernie, it’s because they’ve worked with him for thirty years and respect him.
If HRC wins by the rules, it’s because she pulled strings to make sure all rules were in her favor.
If Bernie wins by the rules, it’s because he’s the better candidate.
If HRC complains about the rules…. oh, well, she doesn’t do that. But if she did, she would be whining and it would be proof of her weak character.
If Bernie complaints about the rules, it’s because he’s righteously challenging the evil in the world.
If HRC accepts the nomination she won, it is a victory for corruption.
If Bernie overturns the will of the voters, it will be a victory for democracy.
The Good News:
Everyone can enjoy today’s voting extravaganza.
HRC voters: Remember that if she wins it’s great, and if she loses it doesn’t matter.
Bernie voters: Remember that if he wins it’s great, and if he loses it proves that he would have won, if only the evil one hadn’t rigged it. And it proves how evil she is and how right you are to be disgusted with our corrupt system.
(NOTE: I think there are actually millions and millions of normal Bernie supporters who simply preferred him for plenty of reasonable reasons, and are not guilty of crimes against logic. I don’t mock those folks. I sympathize with them — I’ve been there, and I know how the disappointment feels.)
It’s a beautiful day... Let’s all enjoy it!