Trump is famous for his insulting nicknames for people: ‘Lying’ Ted Cruz, ‘Corrupt’ Hillary Clinton, ‘Crazy’ Ben Carson, ‘Little’ Marco Rubio. The amazing irony is how much more all of those names apply to the Donald himself: ‘Lying’ Donald Trump, ‘Corrupt’ Donald Trump, ‘Crazy’ Donald Trump, ‘Little Brain’ Donald Trump. (Notice I didn’t say ‘Little Hands’ Trump. Too obvious.)
All of which raises the question: What is the proper nickname for Trump? It really is difficult to say, isn’t it. He is so bad in so many different ways. You could think up dozens of them before breakfast. Below is list of possibilities. Below that is an expanded version. Take your pick, everybody!
Donald ‘Answer Man’ Trump
Donald 'Believe it or not' Trump
Donald ‘Big Daddy’ Trump
Donald ‘Bing, bing, bong bong’ Trump
Donald 'Breaking wind' Trump
Donald ‘Call me MR. PRESIDENT’ Trump
Donald ‘Family Guy’ Trump
Donald ‘fuhgeddaboudit’ Trump
Donald ‘I don’t need no stinking answers’ Trump
Donald ‘I’m bigger than Jesus’ Trump
Donald ‘I’m flexible’ Trump
Donald ‘I’m a beautiful guy’ Trump
Donald ‘I’m John Miller’ Trump (or is it John ‘I’m Donald Trump’ Miller?)
Donald "I'm the greatest' Trump
Donald ‘I’ve got a bigly brain’ Trump
Donald ‘I’ve got more money than God’ Trump
Donald ‘Johnny Friendly’ Trump
Donald ‘Long Don’ Trump
Donald ‘Love em and leave em’ Trump
Donald ‘Mastermind’ Trump
Donald ‘Mo’ money’ Trump
Donald ‘Nobody is smarter than me’ Trump
Donald ‘Oww, my foot hurts’ Trump
Donald ‘Quiz show king’ Trump
Donald ‘Raise your right hand‘ Trump
Donald ‘Ramblin’ Man’ Trump
Donald ‘See-saw’ Trump
Donald ‘Smashmouth’ Trump
Donald ‘Spinning wheel’ Trump
Donald ‘Sugar Daddy’ Trump
Donald ‘Super President’ Trump
Donald ‘The four F’s’ Trump
Donald ‘The Godfather’ Trump
Donald ‘The Kingfish’ Trump
Donald ‘Tiger blood’ Trump
Donald 'Trust me on this' Trump
Donald ‘Wah-wah’ Trump
Donald ‘What was my name, again?’ Trump
Donald ‘What am I today?’ Trump
Here’s the expanded list with more details. At the end is my personal choice:
Donald ‘Answer Man’ Trump
That’s singular, as in one answer. Whenever anyone presses him for details on his plans he always says the same thing: “I’ll tell you when I become President.”
Donald 'Believe it or not' Trump
NOT!!!
Donald ‘Big Daddy’ Trump
You think all those southern Gothic novels are just fiction? ‘The Long Hot Summer’ is just a movie? Spend a little time living with ‘The Donald’ and you’ll see how fiction can come to life.
Donald ‘Bing, bing, bong bong’ Trump
Funny noises? So that’s what rattling around inside his head. We knew it wasn’t rational thought.
Donald 'Breaking wind' Trump
In the old fairy tales some people can spin straw into gold. Trump is the only person who can spin gold into s — . . .
Well, let’s just say it’s not straw.
Donald ‘Call me MR. PRESIDENT’ Trump
“I’m in this for one thing and one thing only – the title. I need it to promote my Trump brand. Don’t ever forget to use it unless you want to be carried out on a stretcher.”
Donald ‘Family Guy’ Trump
“I’m a big family values man, way bigger than Clinton. I‘ve got three families to her one, and I promise I’ll have a fourth before my presidency is through.”
Donald ‘fuhgeddaboudit’ Trump
“Did I say Obama was a good president? Did I say Hillary was a good secretary of state? Did I say Bush should invade Iraq? I can’t seem to remember any of it. Must’ve been a bad earpiece.”
Donald ‘I don’t need no stinking answers’ Trump
Expert knowledge, learned opinion, statistics, intelligence reports, on-site observation, facts – all of those things are for ordinary people. Trump has his instinct. He knows the answer without any thought or study, and he’ll tell you what that answer is when he’s good and ready, so don’t push him.
Donald ‘I’m a beautiful guy’ Trump
Only in your own mind. Visitors to Trump mansion come away wondering if he’s a vampire. There are no mirrors anywhere.
Donald ‘I’m bigger than Jesus’ Trump
“Jesus only had 2 Corinthians following him. I’ve got hundreds following me, all of them wearing Trump baseball caps.”
Donald ‘I’m flexible’ Trump
He can bend six different directions in the same speech, sometimes in the same sentence. We should send Cirque de Soleil back home and all go to a Trump rally instead.
Donald ‘I’m John Miller’ Trump (or is it John ‘I’m Donald Trump’ Miller?)
“I’m so wonderful I don’t even need to tell you about it myself. I’ve got total strangers doing it for me.”
Donald "I'm the greatest' Trump
No go. Muhammad Ali used that line, but Ali could back it up. When you can do something like knock out Sonny Liston you can use it.
Donald ‘I’ve got a bigly brain’ Trump
One of the mysteries of science is now solved. For centuries they have been trying to create a perfect vacuum, an area of space that is totally empty. Well, good news! Here’s a list of Trump’s ideas for the presidency. We need to send it to the National Science Foundation immediately!
Donald ‘I’ve got more money than God’ Trump
If you don’t believe it just compare God’s tax returns to Donald’s. Uh, wait a minute.
Donald ‘Johnny Friendly’ Trump
“After I’m elected I’ll take care of those canaries telling stories about me. I’m going to gun them down on 5th Avenue.”
Donald ‘Long Don’ Trump
You claim you have no problem down there. Donald, you’re 70 years old. You definitely have problems down there.
Donald ‘Love em and leave em’ Trump
You know what they say: Unlucky at casinos….?
Donald ‘Mastermind’ Trump
Whoever coined the phrase ‘not the brightest bulb in the package’ must have met Trump. If you were to put him in a brightness contest he would lose to the first firefly that came along.
Donald ‘Mo’ money’ Trump
Every time he talks about how much he’s worth the number get bigger. Let’s start a pool on how high it’ll get by election day. 20 billion anybody? 25? 30 billion?
Donald ‘Nobody is smarter than me’ Trump
If by nobody you mean every other potential presidential candidate in the entire country, then you are 100% correct.
Donald ‘Oww, my foot hurts’ Trump
Trump likes to talk tough until someone wants him to actually do something, like enlist in the Army and fight for his country. Then all of a sudden he develops problems down there.
Donald ‘Quiz show king’ Trump
All right, here’s your question, Mr. Trump. On what date was the World Trade Center attacked? BUZZZZZZZZ! No, I’m sorry. Please step down.
Donald ‘Raise your right hand‘ Trump.
He’ll make every school kid recite a pledge of allegiance, only it won’t be to the flag.
Donald ‘Ramblin’ Man’ Trump
Are you referring to his promises, his campaign speeches, his marriages or his business deals? Take your pick.
Donald ‘See-saw’ Trump
“My policy positions go this way. They go that way. They go this way. They go that way.”
Donald ‘Smashmouth’ Trump
We don’t mean the rock group here. We mean what Donald wants to do to anyone who disagrees with him.
Donald ‘Spinning wheel’ Trump
You say you don’t like his position on an issue? Just wait a day. Hell, wait an hour. He’ll spin your way.
Donald ‘Sugar Daddy’ Trump
If you think that nickname is unfair just look over the list of his wives and girlfriends. I accept your apology.
Donald ‘Super President’ Trump
He says he’ll be so presidential everybody will be bored with it. You got that half-right, Donald. (I’m referring to the bored with it half.)
Donald ‘The four F’s’ Trump
If you don’t know what the four F’s are I’m not about to explain it here. Let’s just say Trump is the personification.
Donald ‘The Godfather’ Trump
You may kiss his ring now. If you’re lucky that’s all he’ll make you kiss.
Donald ‘The Kingfish’ Trump
Huey Long was a dictator in only one state. Watch what Trump can do with fifty of them.
Donald ‘Tiger blood’ Trump
Trump promises to make everybody sick of winning. I believe him on this one. I’m sick of it already.
Donald 'Trust me on this' Trump
No, Donald, I do not trust you on this, or on anything else.
Donald ‘Wah-wah’ Trump
“The press should be ashamed of themselves. I have never received such bad publicity for doing such a good job.”
Wahhh! Wahhh! Wahhh!
Donald ‘What was my name, again?’ Trump
“Is it Miller something, John something – Johnny Lee Miller, that’s it. I’m the guy who plays Sherlock Holmes on TV. Holmes is a reductive genius just like me. We were both at the top of our class in elementary school.”
Donald ‘What am I today?’ Trump
Call him whatever you want. Remember, he’s flexible. Just don’t call him late to a beauty pageant. (Say what you will, he keeps his priorities straight.)
It really is impossible to choose, isn’t it? No single nickname could ever do Trump justice. If I were Hillary I would use all of them. Put a different one in each speech she makes. It would make a nice little treat for her supporters.
But if I were forced to choose here’s what I would go with:
‘Babbling’ Donald Trump.
Roll that around on your tongue and in your mind for a minute. It covers a lot of territory, doesn’t it?
Babbling Trump likes to talk a lot. When you come right down to it Trump is nothing but talk. That’s all he ever has been and all he ever will be.
Babbling Trump is a salesman. He is not a leader. He is not a thinker. He is not a doer. He is not a builder or a creator or an inventor or a discoverer or a searcher for knowledge or a searcher for truth or a searcher for wisdom.
Babbling Trump is a salesman, nothing more. That’s what he has been his entire adult lifetime, and the way he sells is by talking a lot. Stupid talk, crazy talk, lying talk, empty talk. Babbling talk.
Hey, you want to see Babbling Trump bust a blood vessel in one of his eyeballs? Tell him he has to observe a moment of silence in memory of something.
Babbling Trump learned early on that a lot of people are smarter than he is and wiser than he is and more experienced and more knowledgeable than he is. But he also learned that you can sometimes win against people better than you by out-talking them. And so he spent years practicing the talking style of salesmanship, learning the tricks and doing them over and over until it became second nature to him.
It’s not ABC, Always Be Closing. It’s ABT, Always Be Talking. Make sure you get in the first word and the last word and as many words in between as you can. Talk over them and under them and around them and past them. Keep throwing stuff at them. If it bounces off keep throwing more stuff until something gets through. And when something does get through run with it. Keep repeating the lines that get the smile or the applause. Every experienced talker knows it’s the last thing you say that sticks with people the longest.
Don’t worry about what’s right or what’s truthful or what’s accurate. Don’t worry about what you said a day ago or an hour ago or five minutes ago. That will fade away if nobody reminds them about it. If they raise questions just claim you never said it or you were misquoted or they’re lying about you. Make something up and then stick to your story. “My earpiece was broken.” Keep talking, always keep talking.
“I love the Mexicans. They’re all gonna vote for me. The Mexicans are rapists. Oh, you like that one? All right, I’m gonna build a big wall across Mexico. That’s it. That’s what I’ve always said. It won’t cost you a dime. We can tax hedge fund managers to pay for it. Oh, you want to cut taxes? I meant I’m gonna make Mexico pay for it. That’s it. That’s what I’ve always said. When the wall is finished we’ll send the bill to the President of Mexico. What if they refuse, you ask? Well, uh, I’m gonna make the Mexicans in the United States pay for it. That’s it. That’s what I’ve always said. They send a million dollars back to Mexico every year. We’ll just take that away from them to pay for the wall. You say a million is nowhere near enough? I meant they send ten million dollars year, uh, a hundred million, a billion dollars every year. That’s it. That’s what I’ve always said. They send ten billion dollars a year back to Mexico. We’ll just take that away from them to pay for the wall.”
Sociologists have spent lifetimes studying how people think and behave. They have a scientific name for that kind of talk. It’s called babble.
How about it, everyone? Babbling Trump sound okay? What’s your choice for the official nickname?
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If you are interested here are the previous installments in the series:
6/11/16 How about some Trump jokes, everybody
6/19/16 How about some Trump jokes: Part 2
7/3/16 How about some Trump jokes - Part 3
7/9/16 How about some Trump jokes - Part 4: the movie edition
More to come.