The theme of tonight's convention festivities, on the final day of what even a Fox pundit moaned was “the worst convention I’ve ever seen,” is Make America One Again. Tonight, according to the program, will be focused on "what unites us, not what divides us. Donald Trump will move our country beyond the divisive identity politics that have been holding us back by restoring leadership, building trust, and focusing on our shared love of country ..."
That part was worthy of quoting verbatim. When the crowd tonight chants lock her up, please note that they do so in the spirit of uniting us all. When Rep. Steve King spends yet another evening telling reporters that no, he sincerely meant that only white people have contributed to civilization in any way worth remembering, he is only trying to distance the party from identity politics. Tonight's theme is that at some point after Republicans have jailed their ideological enemies, passed laws re-barring gay Americans from acquiring certain services, further purged state voter rolls, declared non-Christians to be enemies of the state, deported all the Mexicans, and at long last gotten rid of the president who "set back race relations" a decade by standing up on stage continually being black at them, Donald Trump will unite America.
With that in mind, let us gaze upon the grand finale of the Donald Trump-produced Republican convention.
• The evening starts off with Brock Mealer, a motivational speaker who learned to walk again after a car accident severely injured his spinal cord.
• We continue with U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn and Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin.
• We shift to Dr. Lisa Shin, "known and trusted as an authority on eye care and vision protection." She is there to instruct the audience in how to use their new party-issued goggles to gaze upon the greatness of Donald Trump without going blind—wait, no, it appears she is here in her capacity as a member of the National Diversity Coalition for Trump. My apologies.
• After that, it's Reince Priebus. Because nobody on that convention floor has quite gotten their fill of Reince Priebus yet, so everybody gets more Reince Priebus.
• Jerry Falwell Jr., president of Liberty University, will no doubt have plenty to say about uniting the nation.
• Now we get to the first test of the party's promised evening of unity and tolerance. The party that has been scrambling to pass new laws protecting you from the dangers of The Gays coming to buy your wedding cakes; venture capitalist and funder of various legal efforts to wipe Gawker from the face of the earth Peter Thiel will give a speech reportedly acknowledging his status as a gay man. As uncontroversial as that speech may be in any other setting, what will the reaction be here?
• Thiel is here primarily for his status as a Very Rich Man. He will be followed by another Very Rich Man, Tom Barrack, who has worked with Donald Trump "on many real estate deals." Like last evening’s Legitimate Businessman praising Trump for Legitimate Businessman things, he’s presumably here to audition for a role as the Secretary of Selling Off National Parks.
• Survivors of the previous speech will be rewarded with, if not the person they've been waiting for, at least the blood kin of the person they've been waiting for. Ivanka Trump, daughter of Donald Trump and recipient of a large number of very disturbing compliments from Donald over the years, will address the crowd. If previous nights and previous Trump children are any indication, she will tell the gathered crowd that despite many many news stories to the contrary, Donald Trump is in reality a very kind and decent person, at least to his immediate friends and relatives. She can't vouch for the rest of you; you're on your own.
And that's it. All that remains is hearing from the man of the hour. The theme of the night is, of course, uniting America; leaked tidbits of Trump's speech suggest that as usual, Donald Trump has no intention of addressing the thing he is supposed to be addressing at all. Instead, we are told to expect a fire and brimstone speech full of doom and condemnation—in other words, precisely what we've been seeing from the convention since the opening night.
So we’ll have to wait and see what—what’s that? Some idiot already leaked the entire text of his boss’ critical convention-night speech? Well all righty then.
“I have a message for all of you: the crime and violence that today afflicts our nation will soon come to an end. Beginning on January 20th 2017, safety will be restored.”
”This is the legacy of Hillary Clinton: death, destruction and weakness.”
”Our plan will put America First. Americanism, not globalism, will be our credo.”
”The irresponsible rhetoric of our President, who has used the pulpit of the presidency to divide us by race and color, has made America a more dangerous environment for everyone.”
”We are going to build a great border wall to stop illegal immigration.”
Oh dear. It seems the speechwriters have cribbed this one from old NRA pamphlets and Pat Buchanan’s fever dreams.
Still, no bets from this vantage point as to whether he even sticks to this leaked version or, say, “embellishes” it as he goes. Trump has repeatedly done things worse than any observer would have expected. He may spend 30 extra minutes berating Ted Cruz. He may spend 90 extra minutes insulting Hillary Clinton for not being attractive enough for his tastes. He may triple down on promises to deport every last undocumented immigrant in the nation, or close our borders to Muslims, or grouse that protesters are still not being beat up often enough these days, or anything else. All we know is that it will be the Donald Trump that Donald Trump himself most wants America to see.
Donald J. Trump will speak about unifying the nation behind the whims and petty instincts of Donald J. Trump. That is how he got here; that is the message that earned him this bedraggled, half-functional political party. One people, one nation, one Donald Trump.