From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things I learned from Republicans in August
Conservative Land's most brilliant minds were workin' overtime last month:
Donald Trump sacrificed his two wives because he was off creating so many jobs. (Trump Surrogate Scottie Nell Hughes)
Hillary Clinton needs to apologize to America for being so racist against white people. (Creator of the term "alt-right" Richard Spencer)
Donald Trump is the intellectual equivalent of Winston Churchill. (Jerry Falwell, Jr.)
Donald Trump is a turd tornado. (Ben Shapiro)
"Under those eight years before Obama came along, we didn't have any successful radical Islamic terrorist attack in the United States." (Rudy Giuliani)
If you're saying the opposite of what you said earlier, you're not flip-flopping. You're just changing the words you're saying. (Katrina Pierson)
Satan used Susan B. Anthony to do his bidding and "devalue" women by pushing gender-equality in the workforce (Bishop Otis Kenner) and Satan is staging a homosexual invasion of America from inside the White House. (Bishop Kenner again)
Wage stagnation in America is the fault of Syrian refugees (Eric Trump) and Donald Trump is running for president because Obama was mean to the White House Christmas tree. (Eric Trump again)
The climate hasn't warmed in quite a few years. (WI Sen. Ron Johnson)
Jews raise their kids to be whiny brats. (Trump campaign "CEO" Steve Bannon)
Maine's enemies are blacks and Hispanics and they should be shot at. (Maine Gov. Paul LePage)
And, of course: President Obama is scheming to bust up America's last remaining conservative regions by paying lesbians to infiltrate and take over America's farms on a massive scale. (Rush Limbaugh)
We recommend you put an icepack on your head for a bit to cool down from that red-hot infusion of neural stimulation.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Note: Quick! Don't think of a fluffy kitten riding a happy porpoise on a sea of cotton candy under a rainbow. And there it was…your moment of zen.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Clinton-Trump debate at Hofstra University: 26
Days 'til the Tumbleweed Country Music Camping Festival in Kansas City: 3
Percent of drug dealers arrested in Maine who are black or Hispanic, according to Gov. Paul LePage: 90%
Actual percent of drug dealers arrested in Maine who are black or Hispanic, according to the FBI's Criminal Justice Information Service: 14.1%
Current estimated death toll from the Italy earthquake: 292
Amount the European Union is making Apple pay Ireland in back taxes : $14.6 billion
The last time Canada took a census that was as successful as the current one: 1666
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Mid-week Rapture Index:
188 (including 4 Arms Proliferations and 1 slightly-late-to-the-party anti-Christ). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Anything you say can and will be used against you…but give us some kibble and we'll let it go just this once...or twice...or three times...
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CHEERS to creating a healthier environment between our ears. Whether it's a genetic chemical imbalance in the brain, mistreatment by others, addiction, or just the various pressures of existing on a giant rock hurtling through the coldness of space, mental health issues are always going to be a part of the human condition. And when Hillary Clinton becomes president, she knows how she's going to shore up our mental health system:
"I believe that together we can make sure that the next generation gets quality mental health care---without shame, without stigma, without barriers. And that we can do so much more to help people right here and now."
» Promote early diagnosis and intervention.
» Launch a national initiative for suicide prevention.
» Integrate our nation’s mental and physical health care systems so that health care delivery focuses on the “whole person” and expand community-based treatment.
» Prioritize treatment over jail for low-level, nonviolent offenders and help train law enforcement officers in responding to conflicts involving persons with mental illness.
» Enforce mental health parity to the full extent of the law.
» Improve access to housing and job opportunities.
» Invest in brain behavioral science research.
I speak from the heart when I say: please, start with our governor.
JEERS to today's big pivoty, flip-floppy moment of softening and/or hardening. Donald Trump has run his campaign on essentially one issue: immigration reform. Build the wall, kick out 11 million "illegals," don’t let anyone who practices the Islamic faith into the country---even American Muslims!---until "we find out what's going on." That's it. That's what won him the nomination, and that's what's keeping the tingle going up his base's legs. Today, in a speech previously postponed, he's going to attempt to take the equivalent of a swan-dive from 500 feet up (the approximate height of his Great Wall) into a shot glass filled with Trump Vodka. As Greg Sargent writes, he'll try to back off his deportation pledge without pissing off the base. In other words…he'll be going the Full Jeb. Please clap:
Trump is now being forced to sever himself from his explicit mass deportations pledge. And this is forcing him to adopt the GOP’s platitudinous “enforce the law” position.
We’ve come full circle: On deportations, the GOP nominee is now pretty much where most Republicans have publicly been. Thus, in his speech, he will probably revert to a vow to target criminals first while more generally promising to “enforce the law” to deal with the rest.
But Trump---as the GOP nominee and as someone whose entire campaign is built on the idea that illegal immigrants are nothing more than criminal invaders---is facing a much higher level of media scrutiny on this issue than GOP lawmakers have to date, rendering that long-held GOP position untenable for him in a way it wasn’t for other Republicans.
Will the alt-right orcs raise holy hell when he reveals his soft spot for people whose epidermis is of a darker shade? Or will they look the other way and pretend they didn’t hear it? Hard to say at this point, but I will make one prediction: the neo-Nazis are probably going to want his honorary Iron Cross back.
P.S. Before his speech, Trump will fly to Mexico---with Rudy Giuliani and Sen. Jeff Sessions in tow---to meet with its president. Gee, what could go wrong? We shall find out.
CHEERS to seeing things close-up. On this date in 1842, the U.S. Naval Observatory was created by an act of Congress. (What? Congress actually did something useful? Ma, fetch the smelling salts!) Their first weekly report was brief: "We see London. We see France. We see President Tyler's underpants! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!" Now you know why he scowled so much.
CHEERS to the adventures of old Grandpa Whatsizname. During his final months in office, Republican President George W. Bush spent most of his time watching his poll numbers plummet (to the mid-20s at one point) as his legacy collapsed along with the economy. His successor, Democratic President Barack HUSSEIN SCARY MUSLIM TYRANT Obama, is in a very different position. His approval rating is reliably in the 50s, the economy is chugging along relative to the rest of the world, his haters have run out of fake scandals to try and pin on him, and he's still making news…and history:
President Obama on Tuesday commuted the sentences for 111 inmates, the latest in his push to ease harsh penalties given to nonviolent drug offenders.
Obama has been critical of what he has called the “devastating” effects of severe sentences handed down during the country’s war on drugs. He became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison, and spoke there about the importance of “second chances.” […]
This latest round announced Tuesday by the White House pushes the total number of commutations Obama has granted while in office to 673, nearly equal to the number of commutations issued by the previous 11 administrations combined (690).
And today another piece of the president’s foreign policy falls into place as the first JetBlue flights begin between Florida and Cuba. It’s a whole new ballgame now. The Cuban people will no longer hate us for our capitalist imperialist ways. Now they’ll hate us for our lack of @%!!$@&!% legroom.
CHEERS to bagging us a bad guy. And this barbarian was a biggun'…
The Islamic State group announced on Tuesday that one of its longest-serving and most prominent leaders, responsible for attacks overseas, Abu Muhammad al-Adnani, had been killed in Aleppo province in Syria.
Adnani had been one of the last living senior members, along with self-appointed caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, that founded the group and stunned the Middle East by seizing huge tracts of Iraq and Syria in 2014.
As Islamic State's spokesman, he was its most visible member.
As head of external operations, he was in charge of attacks overseas, including Europe, that have become an increasingly important tactic for the group as its core Iraqi and Syrian territory has been eroded by military losses.
ISIS, of course, is the radical terrorist army that wants life to go back to exactly the way it was during ancient times. No word yet on who will get al-Adnani's Mercedes, Xbox or Rolex.
CHEERS to the way all battles should be fought. As I write this item, (on birch bark with the burnt end of a stick I found outside my lean-to), tomatoes are flying through the air in Bunol Spain. It's their annual "throwing of the 130 tons of tomatoes." Check out last year’s lycopene madness:
No one's sure exactly how the tradition came about, but one theory is that the townspeople got pissed at local politicians during a festival so they started pelting them with tomatoes, and it felt so good they made it an annual event. Which brings me to the obvious question: anyone know where the next House tea party caucus meeting is?
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 31, 2006
JEERS to mocking my bloomers. My partner, Michael, had to do an emergency load of laundry yesterday because he'd run out of underwear. "Why don't you just wear a pair of mine," said I, kindly and without regard for my own dwindling supply of sanitized briefs. The reply: "If I wore yours I'd need suspenders." If anyone needs me, I'll be in my trailer. Crying in my nachos and ice cream.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Bill in Portland Maine Theatre. Nine years ago, on August 31, 2007, Karl Rove worked his last day at the White House as "Bush's brain." C&J was sneaky back then, and we secretly recorded Bush and Rove's last conversation in the Oval Office. Here is the transcript of that bittersweet moment:
So this is it.
Guess so.
I just wanted to say…
I know. It's okay, you don't have to say it.
This is hard.
Yeah.
Write me?
Sure, boss. Every day.
Cool.
I... I should prob'ly get goin'.
Yeah. Long drive.
Long drive.
You, uh... You got everything?
Yeah.
Need gas money?
I'm good.
Okay then. Pinky shake?
Pinky shake.
Attaboy. Say, Karl...
Yes, Mr. President?
You think we'll ever get the chance to fuck over this many people again?
I doubt it. But it was fun while it lasted.
Damn right.
Savor these last sixteen months, sir. Tempus fugit.
Yeah. Tempered widget. I hear ya.
Nine years later, Turdblossom's stench lingers on...
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
We already know that solar power can be contagious. Studies have found that if you install a rooftop solar system, it increases the odds that your neighbors will too. Now along comes tantalizing evidence that Cheers and Jeers has a similar dynamic.
---Vox
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