From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Maybe this week…
…we won’t hear any stories about a child shooting another child.
…Michigan’s governor will actually “do everything I can” to fix Flint’s water crisis instead of just saying it.
...Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach will accidentally kick himself off his own voter roll.
…the late-night hosts will lay off the lame Hillary email jokes.
…Republicans in Congress will put women's health above hatred of the black president.
...our federal, state, and local governments will hire some people instead of firing them.
…Merrick Garland will get a hearing.
…the Red Sox will stay in first place.
…the traditional media will do a deep dive on just how embarrassingly large the percentage of Republicans who fit inside the "basket of deplorables" really is.
…kos will finally release the kraken.
…ellipses will make a comeback.
That'd be nice.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, September 12, 2016
Note: Never enter into a verbal agreement with Monday without also getting a signed contract. Can't trust that day. ---Judge Judy
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first Clinton/Trump debate: 14
Days 'til the CS Barks Dog Festival in Carol Stream, Illinois: 6
Number of nuclear-weapons tests North Korea has conducted: 5
Number of acres recently added to Yosemite National Park, the largest increase in 70 years: 400
Number of people in the U.S. waiting for an organ donation: 120,000
Number of them who die every day while waiting for an organ transplant: 22
Percent chance that naming a newly-discovered parasitic flatworm "Baracktrema obamai" was done as an honor, not an insult, according to scientist Thomas Platt: 100%
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And this:
New England Patriots 23 Arizona Cardinals 21
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Puppy Pic of the Day: They're coming!!!
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CHEERS to starting off the week with a little perspective. NASA's Juno probe recently fired off a Polaroid of the planet Jupiter, revealing an amazingly complex and fascinating swirl of storms and gases and massive, mind-blowing features on a scale that make you look smaller and less significant than an atom on a gnat's ass:
Seemed appropriate to point that out at the start of a work week. Moving on...
CHEERS to giving a boost to the "fuck cancer" movement. VP Joe Biden vowed to lead a major push in the fight against the dreaded c-word---he lost his son Beau to it---and apparently it wasn't just bluster. A panel of cancer experts released recommendations last week, and there is optimism to be seen:
The report includes recommendations for data sharing, patient-focused initiatives and emerging therapies involving the immune system.
The National Cancer Advisory Board, the presidentially appointed advisory board to the National Cancer Institute, part of the National Institutes of Health, received the report from its blue ribbon panel at a Sept. 7 meeting. NCI Acting Director Douglas Lowy said during a Sept. 7 press call that the institute “embraces” the blue ribbon panel's report.
“Today we’ve taken a big step forward in the goal to make a decade’s worth of progress in preventing, diagnosing and treating cancer in five years, ultimately striving to make huge gains and improve the outlook for cancer patients,” Lowy said. “The blue ribbon panel has laid out a bold but feasible scientific proposal.”
There are, of course, obstacles in the way since this is a common-sense Democratic idea: Republicans in Congress say they'll refuse to fund it and Donald Trump is now pledging to "make cancer great again."
CHEERS to commemorations well-commemorated. Well, that was rough. I watched some of the 9/11 coverage yesterday---the live events and reruns of the network coverage from that day and documentaries. (If you missed seeing them in Friday’s C&J, Eddie C has some beautiful pics of the World Trade Center site here.) Yup---it's still just the way I remembered it, the good, the bad, the badder, the baddest and the ugly. The only thing that stuck in my craw yesterday: having the moment continually ruined by commercials for mascara and erection drugs and furniture superstores. Then again, that was one of the lessons of 9/11, according to the president on duty when it happened: keep shopping.
P.S. Hillary Clinton suffered a minor bout of heatstroke exacerbated by a mild case of pneumonia yesterday at the 9/11 anniversary commemoration. She’s okay now. Meanwhile, Donald Trump remains a sick bloated racist psychopath for the 71st year in a row. How deplorable.
CHEERS to the Craziest Show on Earth! Hilarity and hijinks were on full display this weekend as the conservative outside–the-DC-beltway crowd got together for their annual Values Voters Summit in the place they hate more than any place on earth: Washington D.C. (Don’t even try to figure that out---your brains will shoot out your ears and/or nose). Ooookay, let's document some of the atrocities:
> Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert called Hillary Clinton "mentally-impaired" with "special needs," then walked it back before walking it forward again.
> Sorry, folks, but Donald Trump says America is only big enough for one god. (Hint: that god has a kid born out of wedlock with the initials “JC.”)
> According to retired general Jerry Boykin, God came up with an amazing plan to make Iran take those 52 hostages so that Ronald Reagan would become president.
> Speaking of Reagan, one of his few crackpot advisors who still has a pulse, Gary Bauer, claimed that the United States is like Flight 93 that crashed in a Pennsylvania field on September 11, 2001.
> Conservative historian (i.e. bullshit artist) David Barton informed the audience that they really only have to follow five commandments, four of which aren’t any of the actual Ten Commandments.
> And last but certainly least, I give you Michele Bachmann's opinion of Hillary Clinton verbatim: "She should be brought up by the FBI and recommended for felony charges and actually in time doing jail!"
And, as usual, all the little plastic fetuses they handed out at the event ended up getting unceremoniously tossed in the trashcan marked “Ironicables.”
JEERS to devices that get rated "Pants On Fire." Samsung is reeling this week as the Consumer Product Safety Commission calls on owners of the Galaxy 7 Note/phone thingy to shut 'em off because their batteries could spark fires and/or release demons from the fiery pit of hell:
A Samsung investigation found that rechargeable lithium batteries manufactured by one of its suppliers were at fault in the fires.
Samsung said it had confirmed 35 cases of the Galaxy Note 7 catching fire as of Sept. 1, most of them occurring while the battery was being charged.
There are at least two more cases that Samsung said it is aware of---one at a hotel inPerth, Australia, and another in St. Petersburg, Florida, where a family reported that a Galaxy Note 7 left charging in their Jeep had caught fire, destroying the vehicle. [...]
U.S. wireless carriers stopped selling the Note 7 earlier this month and began working on how to handle customer returns and questions.
"Yes---shut them off, never use a Samsung device again, and have you heard about the cool new iPhone7?" said Apple.
JEERS to the human snot rag. Six years ago, Newton Leroy Gingrich put on a display of the class and charm that makes him one of America's most admired leaders since, oh, the First of Never:
"What if [President Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]?" Gingrich asks. "That is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior."
"This is a person who is fundamentally out of touch with how the world works, who happened to have played a wonderful con, as a result of which he is now president," Gingrich tells us.
Curious as to how Newt's observations were holding up six years later, I called Kenya for their current assessment of our nation's new Kenyan, anti-colonial bent. They hung up. But I’ll try again next year. This is, after all, a serious matter.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 12, 2006
JEERS to the predictability of the human mind. Here's how it works: 1) Stingrays are some of the most gentle creatures on the planet. 2) In a freak accident a stingray kills "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin off the Australian coast. 3) Morons start killing stingrays out of fear and/or revenge. And let's hope there's a number 4: God takes names.
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And just one more…
JEERS to the SHOCKING photo THEY don’t want YOU to SEE! Amazing the things you find when you're cleaning out your closets. I've never been shy about admitting that my family comes from a long line of "country club Republicans" who would be appalled at the basket of deplorables currently spitting on the legacy of Abe and Teddy and Ike. But I didn’t realize just how overtly I wore my conservatism on my sleeve during my clueless, acne-scarred youth. Best as I can tell, this is from 1982---my senior year in high school---and I'm releasing it before the National Enquirer gets their dirty paws on it and blackmails me. Go ahead and let your jaws drop, world---me and the Gipper at peak bromance:
It probably comforts Anthony Weiner to know that he isn’t the only one who’s ever embarrassed himself by posting a pic of himself on the internet with a dick in his hand. (But in the interest of bragging rights: the one I’m holding above is much bigger.)
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today’s Shameless Testimonial
Bill in Portland Maine cherry-picks half-quotes to flatter himself.
---The Rachel Maddow Show
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