Krotor Investigative Services dispatched an operative on a convoluted and perilous journey to acquire this amazing document. It is the original draft of Trump's inaugural speech.
Our agent rifled through the drawers of FBI director James Comey for clues, which then led her to Paul Manafort's Legion of Doom, where she secretly grilled an ousted dictator. That pointed her to Moscow and the notorious Oui Oui Lounge, a den of iniquity where she underwent humiliating experiences while posing as part of the cleanup crew. Finally, when summoned to the Ritz-Carlton to do her duty, she found this urine-soaked paper. It was heavily edited, marked up with corrections and suggested text changes, and signed in the same ink:
You are such manly stud. You are great hero. But even great hero can use advice. Hope you use suggestions so I don't need to use tape.
— Your bro forever, Vlad.
Here is the original unedited text.
Chief Justice Thomas, old President whose name I don't remember, President Husband-of-Nasty-Woman, President Big Loser, President Mooslim, fellow simpletons, and Aryan people of the world: thank you.
We, the white citizens of America, are now joined in a great national effort to fleece our country and to fake a lot of promises to all of our people.
Together – me, Ivanka, Jared, Junior, and the other one – we will determine the course of America and the world for years to come.
We will face challenges. We will confront hardships. But we will get the con job done.
Every four score and seven years, we gather on these steps to carry out the valuable goods and transfer as many assets as possible into our names, and we are grateful to President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama for showing us where the good silverware is hidden. They have been magnificent suckers, who had no idea we were actually casing the joint while they gave us advice about “democracy” and “responsibility” and other long words that nobody can spell or cares about.
Today’s ceremony, however, has very special meaning. Because today we are not merely transferring power from one Administration to another, or from one party to another – but we are transferring power from Washington, D.C. and giving it to the Trump Organization, the biggest and hugest company the world has ever seen (trust me about that, because you will never see the taxes or other financials).
For too long, a small group in our nation’s Capital has reaped the rewards of government while the people have borne the cost. That group is going to get some righteous payback now that I control things, let me tell you.
Washington flourished – but they did not share its wealth with me, the star of the greatest show ever on TV.
Politicians prospered – but they thought they were too high-and-mighty to take my calls or stay in my very swanky – really, the swankiest – hotels.
The establishment protected itself, but not the citizens of our country. And that's how it should be, am I right? If the citizens want protection, let them hire some bodyguards, like I do. Not that they have anything worth protecting, let me tell you I never saw any of those yokels wearing a Rolex on the campaign trail, they all had cheap Timexes.
Their victories have not been my victories; their triumphs have not been my triumphs; and while they celebrated in our nation’s Capital, I never got invited to a single one of their parties. Losers, they don't know what a real party is until they've spent a night in a Moscow luxury hotel with Russian hookers – the expensive kind, not the ones that will bang you for a bowl of borscht and a shot of vodka.
That all changes – starting right here, and right now, because this moment is my moment: it belongs to me. I'm finally somebody that all those snooty-nosed New York socialites have to pay attention to. I'm going to make them all say “Mr. President” and salute Khorek, my little Siberian ferret buddy who loves to ride on top of my head.
It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across America. This is your day. This is your celebration. By everybody, I mean everybody white with at least 50 million net worth. And don't try to fool me with debt-laden assets, I know every trick in that book, believe me.
And this, the United States of America, is your country. At least for now but we might sell the actual title to a group of Russian investors I know after we strip the assets.
What truly matters is not which party controls our government, but whether our government is controlled by the right people. And again, by right people I mean you white folks who can prove your net worth. I will not be accepting credit or installment payments, believe me, I know all about how to buy but avoid ever paying the bill.
January 20th 2017, will be remembered as the day the people of this nation got suckered again, the worst ever. Aren't they amazing? Really, let's give the American voters a big hand. I told them exactly how I planned to screw them and they still put me up here today. You gotta appreciate that kind of stupid.
The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. They'll wish they were still forgotten if they get uppity (and you white folks know what I mean by that) and give me any trouble.
Everyone is listening to you now. And by everyone, I mean all those government agencies with the big radio dishes or whatever it is they use to listen to your phone calls and your Twitters and your intertubes chatting and all that stuff. Yeah, you morons turned all that over to me and, believe me, I plan to use it to keep you sniveling losers in line.
You came by the tens of millions to become part of a historic movement the likes of which the world has never seen before. Make that tens of billions. And the whole galaxy has never seen it before.
At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction: that a nation exists to serve its greatest citizens. And by greatest citizens, I mean me, the one I'd like to bang, her Jew, Uday, and Qusay.
Americans want great schools for their children, safe neighborhoods for their families, and good jobs for themselves. Well, boo hoo hoo. If you wanted that, why didn't you elect Shrillary?
These are the just and reasonable demands of a righteous public...said no Trump ever.
But for too many of our citizens, a different reality exists: Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities; rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation; an education system, flush with cash, but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of knowledge; and the crime and gangs and drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential.
Now, most of that crap I couldn't care less about. The drug gangs stuff pisses me off but they can fix that if they cut me in on the action. The young and beautiful students part sounds kind of hot, so I plan to create jobs in every community in America by setting up Presidential Young Miss Hottie pageants to recruit the hottest and youngest of them. Maybe that's something Qusay can actually do, screen out the fat piglets and teach the others how to do the presidential Reverse Cowgirl with Tinkle Sprinkles.
This American carnage stops right here and stops right now. Wait, did I say carnage? What does that word even mean? I meant to say carnival. This carnival ride is over now, the fun and games stop. From now on, you all had better do your fucking part to fill Trump Towers with real gold, not that fake shit I had them spray on every surface.
We are one nation – but with some of my pals, we can become a bunch of nations working on the same goals of enriching their leaders. Shout out to my buds Vlad and Duterte, yo bros.
The oath of office I take today is something they told me I had to do. Who cares? I can lie without even moving my lips. I've sworn to tell the truth in front of judges in the many unfair – totally unfair, believe me – lawsuits against me and I still lied like a rug.
For many decades, we’ve enriched foreign industry at the expense of American industry;
Subsidized the armies of other countries while allowing for the very sad depletion of our military;
We've defended other nation’s borders while refusing to defend our own;
And spent trillions of dollars overseas while America's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. So what? That's how profits are made. Would you have voted for me if I were some poor schmuck begging for your vote? No, you voted for me because you saw the Hollywood image of wealth I staged. So don't act all shocked now and expect me to give a shit unless there's something in it for me.
We’ve made other countries rich while the wealth, strength, and confidence of our country has disappeared over the horizon. A lot of it went to my Cayman Islands accounts and, believe me, by the time I'm outta here they're gonna be stuffed. They'll be so huge that they'll have to rename it to the Cayman Continent or something.
One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores, with not even a thought about the millions upon millions of American workers left behind. That's called good business sense. If I can make one of my high class Trump artificial silk ties for a dime, using cheap rayon and ten year old girls paid a dollar a week in Bumfuckistan, then sell it to you morons for 85 bucks, why wouldn't I?
The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed across the entire world. Well, not the entire world. It almost all went to just 487 of us, the biggest winners. And that makes the rest of you big losers, am I right?
But that is the past. And now we are looking only to the future.
We assembled here today are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city, in every foreign capital, and in every hall of power.
From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land.
From this moment on, it’s going to be America First. That means, we – me, Ivanka, her mazel tov, and the two wannabe big game hunters – will focus entirely on plundering America first, then start on the rest of the world.
Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs, will be made to benefit Trump, Inc.
We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making our products without paying Trump Inc licensing fees, stealing our companies (if they do, I have nukes now, so remember that), and destroying our con jobs. Protection of Trump properties and assets will lead to great prosperity and strength for us, the only people who matter.
I will fight you with every breath in my bloated pasty body – and I will never, ever let you win. If it looks like I will lose, I will sue you. Or send in Uday and Qusay with those big guns they shoot stupid animals with. America will start whining again, whining like never before.
We will bring back our jobs. We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth. And we will bring back our dreams. And by our, I mean us, the Trumps, not you.
We will build new roads, and highways, and bridges, and airports, and tunnels, and railways all across our wonderful nation. You will pay for them because there will be tolls and usage fees for every one of them, all payable to Trump, Inc.
We will get our people off of welfare and back to work – building new Trump factories with American hands and American labor. If you don't want to go to prison, you will do your required labor shifts. Am I clear on that?
We will follow two simple rules: Buy American and Hire American. That means we will buy American businesses at firesale prices. I've already bought short positions and when I tank the economy, I will make a killing. We will hire American workers but good luck trying to collect on your promised wages.
We will seek friendship and goodwill with the worst nations of the world – but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all nations to put their own interests first. Vlad wanted that clause in there for some reason, I don't know why, but I owe him for the election so what the hell.
We do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example for everyone to follow. Of course we're not going to impose our life on anyone. You peons couldn't afford our life for even an hour. But you can follow it on my new TV show, White Trash in the White House. It will be huge.
We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones – and unite the civilized world against Radical Islamic Terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the Earth. Mikey Flynn wanted that in, he's got some kind of hardon for bombing the Arabs. As long as he doesn't blow up any oil wells I might be able to get my hands on someday, I don't really care how he plays with his toys.
At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the Trump Organization, and through our loyalty to our family, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other. And by our, I mean me, my hot goyim daughter, her yarmulke boy, and the two mini-Trumps.
When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice. Ha, just kidding. Those of you who wave your flags the most are usually the same ones who hate your own neighbors the most too. So yell “America, we're number one” all you want and stomp on some of them (you know which ones I mean). But be careful, a few of them are my blacks, leave them alone.
The Bible tells us, “how good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity.” That's in Two Corinthians, my favorite book. I don't get that, the Bible is a book so how does it have books too?
We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity. By we, I mean the usual, you know who by now. The rest of you just shut up and obey your betters.
When America is united, America is totally unstoppable. That's why I did my best to turn you Americans against each other during the campaign. You're a mess, a disaster. Half of you hate the others more than you hate those of us at the very top who are ripping you off every day of your lives. It's terrific, I love it.
There should be no fear – we are protected, and we will always be protected. And yeah, we means me, Ivanka, blah blah blah. The rest of you should be afraid because I've got the spies everywhere and I've got the army and I've got the drones and the nukes. So, piss your pants all you want but don't be late to work when you get your new assignments at a Trump industry next month.
We will be protected by the great men and women of our military and law enforcement and, most importantly, we are protected by God. Or so Bob Jeffress tells me. He's got a hotline to the Big Guy, being a pastor and all. And he said he'd rather have me as president than Jesus himself. So I think God knows how important and great I am, right?
Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger. And we are. Even though I put Trump, Inc in a blind trust with the bobble-head twins and know absolutely nothing about its operations now, Ivanka and her gefilte fish tell me that there are huge plans ahead and I'd better not lob any bombs into Buenos Aires, Cancun, Shanghai, Nairobi, or Perth anytime soon.
In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long as it is striving. In which case, you will be living large, trust me. You will be striving harder than you ever have in your miserable lives to fulfill your work quotas, pay your levies to Trump Inc, and keep up your premiums for my soon-to-be-announced Trumpcare.
We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action – constantly complaining but never doing anything about it.
The time for empty talk is over.
Now arrives the hour of action. Politicians who gripe will soon find themselves in one of our offshored Trump Correctional Labor Camps. Trust me, they won't permit any talking there, just lots of action at hard labor for dissidents.
Do not let anyone tell you it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of America. You people fight like caged rats over the scraps we leave you. Now we're going to put that to good use for our benefit (yeah, me, Ivanka, etc, etc).
We will not fail, like we did in just about every one of our previous business ventures. Our family empire will thrive and prosper again.
We stand at the birth of a new millennium, ready to unlock the mysteries of space, to free the Earth from the miseries of disease, and to harness the energies, industries and technologies of tomorrow. Ha, fooled you again. There's no money for us in space and you maggots already make my skin crawl with your peasant germs. As long as we get richer, we don't give a crap about all of that futuristic stuff.
A new national pride will stir our souls, lift our sights, and heal our divisions.
It is time to remember that old wisdom our soldiers will never forget: that whether we are black or brown or white, we all bleed the same red blood of patriots, we all enjoy the same glorious freedoms, and we all salute the same great American Flag. I plan to make sure a lot of that blood gets spilled, protecting my assets around the globe and stirring up troubles to make it profitable to seize new assets.
And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of Detroit or the windswept plains of Nebraska, they look up at the same night sky, they fill their heart with the same dreams, and they are infused with the breath of life by the same almighty Creator. The Jew wrote that line and Ivanka told me to include it, pretty classy, huh?
So to all Americans, in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, and from ocean to ocean, hear these words:
You will never be ignored again. You will wish you were ignored. But no, we will get to you sooner or later and make sure you cough up your last lung before we skip out of what's left of the hellhole we leave behind.
Your voice, your hopes, and your dreams, will define our American destiny. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the way. Along the way to our island paradise, where we will sip cocktails on the beach, laughing about how we bilked 315 million yahoos out of everything.
Together, We Will Make America White Again.
We Will Make America Heterosexual Again.
We Will Make America Bigoted Again.
We Will Make America Imperialist Again.
And, Yes, Together, We Will Grab America By The Pussy And Make Her Groan Again. And Again. And Again.
Thank you, God Bless Me, And God Bless the Trumps, even the Jew boy.