From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: One Month Down, [???] To Go
"So here is where we're at right now: Trump can dominate the news merely by referencing something that didn’t happen in Sweden. … Trump dominates the news cycle the way a fart dominates the interior of a Volkswagen Beetle. There is simply no escape from him."
---John Oliver
"The Washington Post has done an analysis of Trump’s first month as president and says that during that time, Trump has made 133 false or misleading statements. … It’s only been 34 days. It feels like he’s halfway into his second term, doesn’t it? This is the first administration where the public is aging faster than the president."
---James Corden
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"You played golf six times in one month? Are you the President of the United States or a San Diego dentist?”"
---Seth Meyers
"Trump was touring the Museum of African American History and Culture, and according to witnesses he noticed a stone auction block on which slaves would stand and was moved to say, ‘Boy, that is just not good, that is not good.’ I haven’t heard that kind of eloquent enunciation since the Civil War novel The Red Badge of Dang, That Is Messed Up."
---Stephen Colbert
Trump won’t be flying down to Mar-A-Lago tonight. It’s his one weekend a month to stay in D.C. and wander the halls in his bathrobe scaring the crap out of the White House ghosts.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 24, 2017
Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday because we suffer from Februarytwentyseventhophobia. We’ll emerge from our survival bunker on Tuesday with a fresh column and a belly full of survival Spam---unless my fear of February 27th turns out to be totally rational and I discover I’m the only survivor, in which case fuck this column I'm going to Disney World.
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 13
Days 'til the Winthrop Balloon Festival in Washington: 7
Acres of his Plains, Georgia property that Jimmy Carter is leasing to a solar energy company for an array that will power 200 of the town's 250 homes for 25 years: 10 acres
Weekly unemployment claims, the 103rd week under 300k and a continuing sign that President Obama left a strong economy to his successor: 244,000
Percent of Americans who say they're embarrassed by the Trump administration, according to a McClatchy-Marist poll: 58%
Amount JPMorgan Chase, Bank of America and Wells Fargo made in ATM and overdraft fees last year: $6.4 billion
Years since Rachel Maddow's ratings have been as high as they were last week, according to Nielsen Research: 8
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Chowing down by example…
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CHEERS to a gathering of angels. The only thing preventing Republicans from destroying the earth is an energized Democratic party. And after this weekend's voting in Atlanta, the DNC will emerge with a new chairperson to help lead the resistance movement heading into the 2018 midterms and beyond. Here's where things stand at the moment:
Rep. Keith Ellison (Minn.) has the edge over former Labor secretary Tom Perez in The Hill’s new survey of DNC members. But while both men claim they are close to securing commitments from the majority of the 447 voting members, neither candidate is assured victory.
The Hill has identified the stances of 240 DNC members, either through their private responses to a survey circulated over the past week or from public endorsements.
Out of those who responded, Ellison leads with 105 supporters to Perez’s 57. […]
It’s possible that a mass movement by undecided voters or a broad change-of-heart could push either candidate to the 224-vote threshold for a first-ballot victory, but it appears likely the race will head to multiple rounds.
I believe I speak for everyone when I say: Comey, stay the f*ck out of it.
JEERS to a gathering of devils. Yesterday marked the start of the annual knee-slappin' hootenanny that is the CPAC convention. The staunch right-wing defenders of the Jesus-blessed heartland states are holding it at their usual spot: on the edge of the D.C. swamp that they claim to despise. (See the speaker lineup here if you can stomach it.) What you'll see: anger, rage, crazy, tried-and-failed ideas, madness, pretzel-twisted logic, xenophobia, homophobia, immigrant-o-phobia, Islamophobia, isolationism, Russia love, and enough fake news to choke a goat. Plus exciting discussions about the groundbreaking new Republican agenda of tax cuts, nuclear arms races, privatization of everything, walls, annexation of the vagina and...um...did we mention tax cuts? But, of course, the real events get underway after the sun---and the zippers---go down:
I’ll give ‘em credit for this: they take their mantra “drill, baby, drill” very seriously.
CHEERS to being a fly on the wall. One can only imagine what really happened on tomorrow's date in 1793, when George Washington held his first cabinet meeting at his estate at Mount Vernon. But one thing is certain: Hamilton was convinced that Jefferson's mother wore combat boots, and Jefferson was positive that Hamilton would be best served by irrigating his nose with a rubber hose. I believe the president sent them both to bed without supper.
CHEERS to gardens of Eden: outer space edition. JACKPOT!!! A NASA telescope has spotted not one, not two, not three…but seven planets that are roughly the size of ours that maybe perfect for colonization. Check 'em out:
They're pristine, their climate is just right, the water is cool and clean, the lands and seas haven't been ravaged by the fossil fuel industry and unfettered industrialization, and life there could be peaceful, happy and serene. Said a spokesman for the Trump administration: "That's okay---we can fix that."
CHEERS to rendering Rachel Maddow speechless. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it's a wonder to behold. Eight years ago today, despised Louisiana governor, failed presidential nominee and creepy exorcism advocate Bobby Jindal loped into a southern foyer scented with jasmine and gave his famous "Welcome to Mayberry" response to President Obama's address to Congress. The ensuing rhetorical disaster, during which, among other things, he invoked the government response to Katrina as an example of why Republicans should be trusted more than Democrats, provided an unforgettable moment in mass pundit shock…
A few years back Jindal had a brief moment of lucidity when he called the GOP "The stupid party." Little did we know back then that he apparently meant it as a compliment.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are some of the TV-watchin' goodies on the weekend schedule.
Things get started tonight as Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow dissect the latest Bannon-Trump atrocities, including the CPAC nuttiness. As loathe as I am to watch HBO's Real Time after Bill Maher gave all that fluff-time to Milo Whatshisnameopolis last week (and, no, Maher had nothing to do with the pederasty-promoting Breitbart weirdo's spectacular flame-out this week), I'll be tuning in to hear what my senator Angus King (I-ME) has to say about the state of things. Sports: The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and if you're a Daytona 500 fan, that info is here. New home video releases include the Oscar-nominated Moonlight, Manchester by the Sea and Hacksaw Ridge. And speaking of the Oscars, the red carpet gets rolled out for the 89th time Sunday night on ABC, with Jimmy Kimmel handling the hosting duties. (See the nominations here.) As always, my money is on whichever sequel to Beverly Hills Chihuahua was released this year. Finally, John Oliver sends us off to bed Sunday night after another award-winning episode of HBO's Last Week Tonight.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Gov. John Hickenlooper (D-CO); Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR).
CNN's State of the Union: Bernie! Plus: the most-hated governor in America: Chris Christie. Plus Reps. Ruben Gallego (D-AZ) and Mark Sanford (R-Appalachian Trail), Google Santorum and the last Michigan governor with an ounce of empathy, Jennifer Granholm (D).
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Former CIA director John Brennan; Gov. John Kasich (R-OH). Ezra Klein and Molly Ball are on the pundit panel.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Governors Terry McAuliffe (D-VA) and Scott Walker (R-WI). A farewell tribute to the late Alan Colmes, who once sparred nightly with Sean Hannity.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 24, 2007
JEERS to the circling sharks. U.S. News & World Report says Republican ghouls---sorry for the redundancy---are praying to the Heavens that one of our moderate justices becomes, um, un-benched. Our advice to Stevens, Breyer, Ginsburg and Souter: hire a food taster.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handy. Jack is a long-time inspiration of mine. Like Steven Wright, he can cram more beautiful, bizarre absurdity into a sentence or two than most people can in a thousand. His books, which I've dog-eared to death, have a place of honor on my bookshelf. Tomorrow is Handey's 68th birthday, so that's as good an excuse as any to post a few of our favorite Deep Thoughts from the birthday boy:
» The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
» If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
» For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
» Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
» If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
» The next time you go to the doctor, go ahead and bring in a stool sample. They might need it. Better go ahead and bring some for the dentist, too.
» When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
And on that deep note...
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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