From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: April Leaks Bring May Indictments?
"It’s been a busy few weeks for the president. Every day he gets to work, rolls up his sleeves, and gives a new job to Jared Kushner."
--- Stephen Colbert
"Donald Trump and Russia---a scandal that we've been referring to as Stupid Watergate, because it has all the potential consequences of Watergate, but everyone involved is reeeally stupid."
---John Oliver
"Donald Trump donated the first three months of his presidential salary to the National Park Service. … Trump is also the one who wants to cut funding to the national parks. So this is like sending flowers to the funeral of somebody you just murdered."
---James Corden
"The National Archives and Records Administration in Washington, D.C.---this is where they store the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address---they have asked the White House to save all of President Trump’s tweets. It’s important to have all the president’s tweets so that future historians will be able to go back and see what was on Fox News that day."
---Jimmy Kimmel
"President Trump on Friday walked out of an Oval Office signing ceremony without actually signing his two executive orders on trade. That’s literally our best hope against the Trump administration---him forgetting what he came into the room for."
---Seth Meyers
Kiddie pool’s open. We’ve garnished it tonight with a two-ton lime wedge. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 7, 2017
C&J Schedule Update: As far as next week's posting is concerned, your guess is as good as mine because bright and early Monday morning we'll be starting our [Bam! Biff! Sock!] War On Cancer by fighting our first skirmish in Chemo Land. Specifically: a Folfox-fluorouracil + Oxaliplatin + Leucovorin cocktail, garnished with a little paper umbrella and dispensed from a handy 46-hour pump every two weeks for six months. God only knows what kind of side effects these weapons of Big Pharma will bestow upon me, but unfortunately She's not picking up Her phone at the moment, so we'll just have to wait and see. For sure there will be no C&J Monday or Tuesday. After that I'll do my best to fill out the week, even if it's just 10 pages of "OMG these drugs are freaky, man" accompanied by black-velvet paintings of Elvis frolicking with unicorns. Thanks for being patient. ---The Patient
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next Republican-caused government shutdown: 21
Days 'til the Austin Reggae Fest: 7
Contributions to Democratic fundraising platform ActBlue between January and March, four times higher than during the last non-election year (2015) and totalling $111 million: 4 million
Percent chance that the Great Wall of Trump will span the entire U.S.-Mexico border like Trump promised, according to Homeland Security director John Kelly: 0%
Increase in sales of police body cameras from 2015, according to FiveThirtyEight: 84.7%
Combined weight of the world's spiders, equal to 478 Titanics according to The Washington Post: 29 tons
Credit union membership increase in Maine in 2016, the second-highest in the country after Alaska: 3% (18,000 new members)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Moonbats, meet Moonpie…
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CHEERS to leveling the playing field. Republicans in the senate up and did it---they killed the filibuster for Supreme Court nominees, paving the way for Neil "Mr. Freeze" Gorsuch to plant his butt in Scalia's seat, but also clearing a path for future Democratic nominees as lefty as lefty can be starting in 2021. In a perfect world, for starters Thomas gets replaced with Solarpanel McSinglepayer and Alito drops out and the seat goes to Diego L.G.B.T. Abortionheimer. Who knows? This could work out very well for us. Because if it's one thing Republicans know how to do, it's shoot themselves in the foot. (And lucky for them that’s covered by Obamacare.)
JEERS to boom-booms after dark. Ah, memories. Launch flashes silhouetting missiles as they streak into the night sky on their way to blow something or someone up. The breathless news coverage long on speculation but short on specifics. The president somberly explaining why this Must Be Necessary To Have Happened and God Bless America And P.S. We Will Prevail. (In fact,we'll prevail so bigly that you'll get bored with all the prevailing.) The pundits shaking their pundit booty, half calling it "heroic presidenting that will save democracy" and the other half calling it "reckless presidenting that will destabilize the region and threaten democracy." And, of course, John McCain getting booked on every TV channel to sing "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb [Insert country here]." But the sweets and flowers will remain locked away in their storage facility as always. For some reason we never get to pull those out. Prevail harder, people! Prevail harder!
P.S. The backpedaling begins. Note the date...
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CHEERS to embracing the future. Thank God this country is finally making use of solar power for all its worth. The skepticism in this country is melting away as business and government realize that prices have come down as efficiency has gone up. It's win-win-win for this country and it's about time. Oh, did I mention that this country is Chile?
On the solar farms of the Atacama Desert, the workers dress like astronauts. They wear bodysuits and wraparound sunglasses, with thick canvas headscarves to shield them from the radiation. … It’s Mars, with better cellphone reception. It is also the world’s best place to produce solar energy, with the most potent sun power on the planet. […]
In Chile and a growing list of nations, the price of solar energy has fallen so much that it is increasingly beating out conventional sources of power. Industry experts and government regulators hail this moment as a turning point in the history of human electricity-making.
“This is the beginning of a trend that will only accelerate,” said Chilean Energy Minister Andrés Rebolledo. “We’re talking about an infinite fuel source.” […] Long dependent on energy imports, Chilean officials now envision their country turning into a “solar Saudi Arabia.”
In this country, our new regime envisions us as a "coal Coali Coalrabia." Republicans: eternal masters of "the vision thing."
CHEERS to a civil end to a most uncivil war. Big anniversary in America Sunday. On April 9, 1865, Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Virginia, effectively ending the south's War for the Preservation of Owning Humans for Forced Labor. A few years back a demographic historian concluded that the death toll of the war was much higher than originally thought---750,000 versus the original 620,000. Sadly, another number has also been extended far beyond its original estimate: the number of years it's taking too many people in the South to admit they lost and put away that damn confederate battle flag. As Congressman James Clyburn (D-SC) reminded them a couple years back:
"When Robert E. Lee surrendered he asked all of his followers to furl this flag.
Stow it away, he said. Put it in your attics," Clyburn continued.
"He refused to be buried in his Confederate uniform. His family refused to allow anyone dressed in the confederate uniform to attend his funeral.
"Why? Because Robert E. Lee said he considered this emblem to be a symbol of treason.”
Besides, as any child who's ever taken a test knows, X just means "wrong."
CHEERS to cool science. You've all behaved so well this week, you deserve some government-funded eye candy. Jupiter is now "oppositional," which means it and Earth and the sun are all lined up. Plus it’s really close now, relatively speaking, just 415 million miles away. You can't exactly reach out and touch it, but the Hubble telescope can sure get a purty view of it. Enjoy…
By the way, NASA describes Jupiter's big bulbous red blob as "an anticyclone that has raged for at least 150 years [but] is slowly shrinking." Or as we call that here on Earth: the Republican base.
CHEERS to swing time. The Masters golf tournament started yesterday in Augusta, Georgia. Defending champ Danny Willett of Brexit Land is going for his second green jacket, although the big story this year is who won't be playing---Tiger Woods bowed out last week due to the lingering effects of a sprained back from lifting divorce-decree money bags into the Porsche of the ex-wife he cheated on. I know, I know...the Masters is elitism, sexism and corporatism writ large, but it's a gorgeous course and fun to watch. Besides, what would life be without a few conflicting values every now and then? (At least it ain't a Trump course.)
CHEERS to home vegetation. It's still cold, raw and windy here on the unforgiving and desolate coast of Maine, so we'll have ample time for weekend channel surfing. After Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow defrag the day's news, Bill Maher talks with journalism professor Jelani Cobb, Trump’s biggest twitter nemesis Rep. Ted Lieu (D-CA), CNN’s Ana Navarro, 2016 presidential candidate Evan McMullin and Chelsea Handler on Real Time.
The 10-ton gorilla on the new home video release schedule is the awesome, incredible, pulse-pounding Best Movie Of All Time Until Star Wars VIII Comes Out: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. The aforementioned Masters tourney continues with rounds 3 and 4. SNL is finally back from vacation with host Louis C.K. and musical guest The Chainsmokers (one of whom, we're quick to point out, is a Mainer). On 60 Minutes: Chobani Greek yogurt mogul Hamdi Ulukaya on the flack he took for hiring refugees to work in his plant, and the scourge of smartphone app addiction. And John Oliver wraps up the week as usual on HBO’s Last Week Tonight by slicing and dicing a sacred institution that looks shiny and altruistic on the outside but turns out to be rotten and skullduggerish on the inside.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Bernie!!! Plus: U.N. Ambassador and the grownup in the Trump administration Nikki Haley; Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and his titanium parasol; nicest guy in the world Sen. Tim Kaine loans Chuck Todd his lawnmower.
This Week: Most fatigue-prone Secretary of State in history Rex Tillerson may or may not be able to keep his eyes open for ten minutes; Sen. “Little Marco” Rubio (R-FL); Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA), aka the sharpest pencil in the House Intel Committee’s box; Thomas Friedman issues his first “Friedman Unit” prediction for the Syrian War.
Face the Nation: This week it’s host John Dickerson's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping; Rex Tillerson; Former Acting CIA Director Michael Morell, former Obama National Security Adviser Tom Donilon, and former Bush Homeland Security Adviser Fran Townsend.
CNN's State of the Union: Nikki Haley; former Obama Director of Communications Jen Psaki; Google Santorum; Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (DINO-HI).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-TX) and Senate Intelligence Committee member Senator Ben Cardin (D-MD).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 7, 2007
CHEERS to McCain's meltdown. The idea was bold: convince Americans that certain neighborhoods in Baghdad were safe enough to walk in without protection by walking through one of them with a hundred heavily armed troops,half a dozen military choppers, and a Kevlar diaper. Smooth move, Senator---two days later, Americans are laughing at you and the Iraqis are furious:
"They paralyzed the market when they came," Mr. Faiyad said during an interview in his shop on Monday. "This was only for the media." He added, "This will not change anything." ... "This area here is very dangerous," continued Mr. Youssef, who lost his shop in the February attack. "They cannot secure it."
Once again, we have met the enemy and it is us.
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CHEERS to the birthday beastmaster. Jim Fowler, the guy who always---so the myth goes---had to do the dirty work on Wild Kingdom while Marlin Perkins sat in the truck drinking whiskey sours turns a year older today. Fowler was a childhood icon of mine, and I can still hear the "Ka-chunk ka-chunk" of the TV channel changer on Sunday evenings. He's a smart guy:
"Almost all of the social tragedies occurring around the world today are caused by ignoring the basic biological laws of nature ... The quicker we humans learn that saving open space and wildlife is critical to our welfare and quality of life, maybe we'll start thinking of doing something about it."
As far as I know, he's still active. (Here's his TED talk from late 2015). And though he aimed to save and protect animals, he killed in one arena. Namely, Carson's comedy sanctuary:
Happy 85th birthday, Jim. And blessings on your camels or whatever creature you happen to be wrangling at the moment.
Have a great weekend. Oh, and farewell to the great Don Rickles---Jimmy Kimmel’s tribute says it all. Floor's open...What are youcheering and jeering about today?
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