From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things That Made Trump Look Like A Bigger Fool In May
France
Germany
Wilbur Ross
The Civil War
France again
The National Anthem
Democrats in Congress
Richard Nixon's twitter feed
The Spanish EPA climate change page
Merriam Webster's twitter feed
One of his White House Nazis
CBS News's John Dickerson
NBC News’s Lester Holt
TASS photographers
The New York Times
A glowing orb
The U.S. Navy
His big mouth
His son-in-law
His daughter
His wife
As always, shaped like the torch from the Statue of Liberty which, last time I checked, is still standing. For the entire list, send me several reams of paper and I’ll print it out. Add $100 for postage.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Note: Ever wonder why nobody has ever seen a gopher tap dance while juggling meat cleavers? The answer will surprise you! Find out tonight on Dateline NBC.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the special election in Georgia's 6th District: 20
Days 'til the Fairfax Festival and Ecofest in California: 10
Percent chance that a study published in the American Journal of Public Health shows that states with the strictest gun laws also have the lowest incidence of police officers shot: 100%
Rank of New Mexico, Wyoming and Alaska (all with the least restrictive gun laws in the U.S.) among states with the highest rate of police officer shootings: #1, #2, #3
Rank of Rhode Island, New York and Connecticut (all with the strictest gun laws in the U.S.) among states with the highest rate of police officer shootings: #48, #49, #50
Percent of the bee population lost over the winter, versus 27% the year before: 21%
The federal goal for maximum annual bee loss, according to AP: 15%
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Mid-week Rapture Index:
183 (including 3 earthquakes and proof that Billy Graham also has a batty daughter). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Inseperable…
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CHEERS to one less rat on the sinking ship. And so it begins: the purge of Trump administration officials who haven't sufficiently either bowed low enough to the bloated slumlord or burnished his image in public enough to make us believe he's a God among mortals. Now getting rode out of town on a rail:
The White House communications director, Michael Dubke, has resigned, in the first sign that a long-expected staff shakeup by the president has begun.
Senior White House officials confirmed to the Guardian that Dubke handed in his resignation on 18 May, before Donald Trump left for his first overseas trip, a rocky nine-day tour through the Middle East and Europe that left key allies shaken.
Trump has been reported to be considering a shakeup, with the White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, believed likely to be moved.
[Yawn] So bored with all the winning.
P.S. This...
You don’t say.
CHEERS and JEERS to that which makes the world go 'round. We are ruled by green pieces of linen-like paper with dead presidents (and a dead Secretary of the Treasury) on them, so it's in everyone's best interest to keep up on what's going on in the world of, quoting the great economic team known as ABBA, "Money Money Money." But I can't be bothered with details, so here are some headlines from around the internets. Caution: whiplash zone ahead:
> First quarter growth upgraded but still low: 1.2%
> Ford's former CEO leaves with $51.1 million
> Orders for durable goods fall
> 3.5 million vehicles coming off lease this year, industry predicts plummeting used car prices
> Economists urge raising tax on carbon emissions
> Oil prices top $50 a barrel on expected easing of glut
> Minorities slam Trump budget
> Amazon stock tops $1,000
> Dallas Fed Chief: Trump's growth hopes aren’t happening
> Americans tick up spending at fastest rate in four months
> Record-breaking summer travel to bring crowds, overbooking
And, of course, the perennial: "The cost of borrowing for college is about to go up." Or as Paul Ryan would phrase it: "Access to higher education remains at 100%!"
JEERS to turbulent times ahead. Enjoy the next 16 hours, all you gulf- and east-coasters. Hurricane season starts tomorrow. I regret to inform you that the NOAA forecast looks somewhat dicey this year:
NOAA's 2017 Atlantic Hurricane Season Outlook indicates that an above-normal or near-normal hurricane season is most likely. The outlook indicates a 45% chance for an above-normal season, a 35% chance for a near-normal season, and a 20% chance for a below-normal season. The Atlantic hurricane region includes the North Atlantic Ocean, Caribbean Sea, and Gulf of Mexico.
The outlook calls for a 70% probability for each of the following ranges of activity during the 2017 hurricane season, which runs from June 1st through November 30th:
- 11-17 Named Storms, which includes Tropical Storm Arlene in April
- 5-9 Hurricanes
- 2-4 Major Hurricanes
As a reminder, here are the names associated with the Hurricane Class of 2017 in an easy-to-remember format (Arlene passed without incident in April, so you can skip her): Bret Michaels, Cindy Lauper, Don Corleone, Emily Dickinson, Franklin Roosevelt, Gert Froebe aka “Goldfinger,” Harvey the invisible rabbit, Irma La Douce, Jose Cuervo, Katia Zygouli, Lee Press-on Nails, Maria I've Just met A Hurricane Named Maria, Nate Silver, Ophelia From That Shakespeare Play, Philippe the Random Frenchman, Rina From Guitar Hero, Sean Connery, Tammy Wynette, VINCE FOSTER WAS MURDERED BY THE CLINTONS, and Whitney the Last Name of the Inventor of the Cotton Gin. If the last two letters of the alphabet are needed, NOAA will use the usual "You've Gotta Be Shitting Me, Another One???" and "Zombie Hurricane Season from Hell!"
CHEERS to mocking our glorious Amerikaner Vaterland. Apparently some world leaders aren’t grown-up enough to know that when Donald Trump put his hands on that giant glowing (and, some say, throbbing) orb in Saudi Beheadia, they were supposed to bow down and tremble before the New World Order. Instead, the prime ministers of Norway, Finland, Sweden, Denmark, and Iceland chose to do this:
The bad news: Trump has singlehandedly made the USA the official laughingstock of the civilized world. The good news: hey, at least he accomplished something in four months.
CHEERS to those darn kids. Evil House Overlord Paul Ryan posed for a photo-op with a hundred eight-graders late last week. But refusing to take part were a hundred other students who are smart enough to know that the smarmy politician smirking at the camera would throw any number of them into a sausage grinder if he thought it might wring out a few extra bucks for his millionaire pals:
“It’s not just a picture,” student Matthew Malespina told ABC News. “It’s being associated with a person who puts his party before his country.”
When he learned of his school’s impending photo op with Ryan, Malespina texted his mother he’s “just not going to do it.”
“The point was, ‘I don’t want to be associated with him, and his policies and what he stands for,’” Matthew’s mother Elissa Malespina said.
I don’t want the kid to get a big head or anything, so don’t tell him I said this, but...President Malespina has a nice ring to it.
CHEERS to cheers. Michael and I thank you for all the nice comments made here yesterday over our 24th anniversary as official ambassadors to Sodom and Gomorrah. Unfortunately we started arguing about which of us was more thankful and one of us ended up sleeping on the porch. Memo to self: have landlord serve eviction notice to skunk family under porch.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 31, 2007
CHEERS to the beginning of the beginning of...something. EVERYBODY SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE! David Broder---the sage oracle of American journalism---is about to make another prediction about when the occupation of Iraq will come to an end. Please, sir, we know you have traveled far and your bones are weary. But tell us...when will unicorns roam free in Mesopotamia, allowing our brave young soldiers to return to their kinfolk in the village?
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I think that time is coming soon.
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Sacrifice the goats and prepare the welcome feast! Our long national nightmare is over.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a guy who classed up the republic. Here's your brain food for the day, courtesy of birthday boy Walt Whitman, born May 31, 1819:
“This is what you shall do;
Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.”
Whew. I think I need a cigarette.
Happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
McCain on Cheers and Jeers: 'I don't like it'
---CNN
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