Dear Covidiots…
As hard as it is to believe, your brilliant minds have failed to cure Covid-19 with fish tank water, hydroxychloroquine, bleach (both drinking and injecting), UV light up the tuchus, and horse de-worming paste. So now you're turning to your latest miracle therapy: knocking back shots of iodine. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this is stupid and you are ignorant fools. Because you know what we do in Maine when we need some iodine? We eat one 'o these mouth-watering delights:
Y’know why? Because Maine lobster contains a mega dose of iodine—185 mcg/100g according to the USDA. That's a lot! Plus you get corn on the cob, your choice of slaw or potato, roll with butter, and a whoopie pie all for the low, low price of Market Price! So skip the gargling, ya big dopes, and order some succulent Maine lobster teeming with fresh, delicious natural iodine. Yummy yum, yum…ayuh!
Sincerely, Maine
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 22, 2021
Note: Sometimes due to deadline pressures we can only allocate a few seconds to writing our daily note, and the lack of editing time means it might not always make cow. We regret the plunger.
—Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Indigenous People’s Day: 19
Days 'til Maine's Fryeburg Fair, first held back in 1851: 11
Minimum number of schools that have had to close this fall because of covid: 2,000
Total number of Emmys won by RuPaul, making him the most-awarded person of color in Emmy history: 11
Alcohol content by volume in Samuel Adams' Utopias beer, which they brew once every two years: 28%
Number of states in which the $240-per-bottle beer is banned because of the alcohol content: 15
Rounds of golf President Biden played during the first 8 months of his presidency, versus 36 for his predecessor: 9
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 5 nuclear nations and 1 anti-vaxxer clown from The Villages who now plays ukulele with Bozo in the clouds). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Rock the baby…
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CHEERS to Joe Biden: International Man of Mystery. Yesterday the most powerful man on Earth strapped on Jetpack One and blasted off for the United Nations, where he delivered a barnburner, a stem-winder, and a rabble-rouser all at the same time. His message was a simple one: can't we all just get along?
Looking to signal a break from his predecessor's isolationist, "America first" policies, Biden repeatedly pledged to work with other nations and to establish the United States as a leader in tackling the challenges facing the planet.
"We will lead on all the greatest challenges of our time from Covid to climate, peace and security, human dignity and human rights, but we will not go it alone," Biden said.
"We will lead together with our allies and partners and in cooperation with all those who believe, as we do, that it is within our power to meet these challenges, to build a future that lifts all of our people to preserve this planet."
Oh, and this little nugget: “For the first time in 20 years the United States is not at war." Somewhere in the distance, a single tear of profound sadness rolled down Lindsey Graham's cheek.
JEERS to the worst-laid plans. Among the infuriating revelations in the new Woodward/Costa book Peril (released yesterday) is this demonstration of just how badly Donald Trump and his White House crooks wanted to cling to power after handily losing the election: one of his lawyers ginned up a six-point plan for Mike Pence to overturn the certification of the electoral college vote. John Eastman's plan was bold, as printed here exclusively in C&J:
1. Discreetly dig large pit in front of Capitol.
2. Cover with leaves.
3. Lure Biden electors over pit with cups of yummy arugula pudding.
4. Electors fall into pit!
5. Sorry, I forgot this part: once you dig the pit, you put a giant net in it and rig it to a tree with a springy thing purchased from the booby-trap section at Home Depot so that when they fall in you hear Boing!!! and all the Biden electors get swept up in the net. So this is actually #2, and #2 is #3 and so on. Should I start over?
6. Trump wins the election.
And they woulda got away with it, too, if it wasn't for those meddling insurrectionists, some of whom are still treating their net burns with ivermectin paste. Better luck next time?
CHEERS to the chilling season. This afternoon at 3:21 EDT the autumnal solstice will get its groove on and steal summer's mojo. Right on cue the flannel shirttails will be flappin' in the breeze and the trees will prep themselves to become nature's end-of-year fireworks display—although a bit later than usual here in New England:
The region’s warm weather means foliage season will begin later this year, according to meteorologist David Epstein. “It’s been a really warm September,” he said. “So that’s going to slow things down this year.”
The region generally sees color from late September in northern New England through early November in southern New England. Look for sugar and red maples to turn first, with oaks turning later in the season, according to Epstein.
“I really believe we are setting ourselves up for a fantastic, spectacular season,” said Gale Ross, fall foliage spokesperson for the Department of Agriculture, Conservation, and Forestry in Maine.
Still, the transition to The Nippy Side does make everyday life more of a challenge, like having to put on ten individual pairs of Gore-Tex toemuffs anytime we go outside, not to mention knitting tiny hats and scarves for the squirrels. Here at the BiPM household we'll observe our usual solstice tradition tonight: slurping a quart of steaming clam chowder strained through a flannel shirt into a dirty L.L. Bean boot. It’s just how we roll in these parts, bub.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to previews of coming attractions. As Democrats in Congress continue to ponder whether or not our democracy is worth saving enough to put in place some minimum standards for the running of federal elections, here's a hot-off-the-press cautionary tale that we might be reading sooner than we ever expected. See if you can guess where this doctored story actually happened:
[The Republican] party has won a [congressional] majority following an election marred by reports of fraud. […] Even before the first ballots were cast in the marathon vote, this election looked anything but fair. The [Republican candidates'] most vocal critics had been barred from running—among them, supporters of [Joe Biden].
Then there was the voting process itself. Over three days of polling there were allegations of widespread electoral fraud, including ballot box stuffing and threats against election observers. Video widely shared online showed people stuffing papers into ballot boxes. […]
"I don't see the point in voting," said one [Atlanta] hairdresser who gave her name as Irina. "It's all been decided for us anyway."
If you guessed that the story is actually about Russia's rigged parliamentary elections that solidified Vladimir Putin's dictatorial grip on the government, congratulations. You win a free nesting doll filled with the latest in ransomware. We now return you to our regularly-scheduled Democratic dithering. Have a great day. Or else you hate America.
JEERS to crazy Brits. On September 22, 1761, George III was crowned King of England. His ascension seems to mirror a recent one here on our side of the pond:
"It was a sad day for the British Empire when King George became its political master.
He was a man of narrow intellect, and lacked every element of the greatness of statesmanship.
'He had a smaller mind,' says the British historian, [Peter] Green, 'than any English king before him save James II.' He showered favors on his obsequious followers, while men of independent character whom he could not bend to his will became the objects of his hatred."
Sounds like a certain New York City-born jackass with a twitter addiction who once hoisted his bloated carcass on our own throne nearly five years ago. (Thank God he was quickly deposed by the rabble.) Anyway, thanks for the colonies, G-3. But, as always, you can keep the kidney pudding. And the haggis. And Boris Johnson.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 22, 2011
CHEERS to takin' the fight on the road. President Obama is in my old stomping grounds today. He's visiting Ohio to promote his jobs plan, and he'll have a background that’s hard to ignore:
Spotlighting the Brent Spence [Bridge] makes sense to Andy Fox, office manager for Green B.E.A.N. Delivery in Cincinnati, which uses the bridge frequently to deliver organic and other fresh produce in the Ohio, Kentucky and Indiana region.
"I would think that would shore up his cred with the hometown crowd here," Fox said. "I can't imagine that it would hurt." The bridge has been deemed "functionally obsolete" by federal standards for years. "It's just frightening," Fox said of the span that carries 170,000 vehicles a day, more than double the original capacity.
The president's remarks will be televised. I believe the best coverage will be on See Span.
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And just one more…
JEERS to today’s edition of Here’s What Happens When The Stupidest President In History Watches Too Much TV, Gets A Really Bad Idea In His Head That He Blurts Out, And Everyone’s Too A’ Scared To Say No. Ladies and gentlemen, your tax dollars flying out the window:
This has been today’s edition of Here’s What Happens When The Stupidest President In History Watches Too Much TV, Gets A Really Bad Idea In His Head That He Blurts Out Loud, And Everyone’s Too A’ Scared To Say No.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“It’s really serious. There are three great crises before this: the Civil War, the Depression, and World War II. Cheers and Jeers is equal to it."
—Ken Burns
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