Daily Kos

What's Your Fucking Problem?

by theoria

Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 01:25:02 AM PDT

Dear Readers,

It is time for the maiden voyage of my new feature, "What's Your Fucking Problem?" (Replacing the much-loved Tinfoil Hat Question of the Week.)

Admit it, you need to lighten your load tonight.

Neocon neighbor teasing you about Saddam? Lady at the unemployment line giving you shit? Boss harassing you? I am uncle theoria, and I am here to give you advice. Questions regarding the taboo subjects of sex, politics and religion only, please. (And keep it clean. I use constant obscenities because I have a weak mind. You have no excuse.)

I'm listening...

(Answers to come tomorrow)

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Permalink | 45 comments

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    This is true: I had a guy today (around 70 years old) say that Bush couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag, yet people treat him like a military hero.

    How can I convince this guy that a paper bag would be no match for Bush?

    by NegSpin on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 01:32:47 AM PDT

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    I've been stuck in a "trainee" position at my job for 19 months, with no end in sight.  It pays a lot better than most trainee jobs, but it's still pissing me off; I want that raise.

    by KevinA on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 01:34:44 AM PDT

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 1)

    I know it's the cool and hip new wave of the future, but I think meetups are boring..

    Am I hopeless?

    Al Gore is still my president

    by Sidhe on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 01:46:13 AM PDT

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

      You should be at the Meetup I lead. We have strippers, great tunes, an open bar...

      Except, not.

      Our meetup is fun and not at all boring, but you should probably take into consideration the fact that we're holding it -- according to that map Kos posted the other day -- in a Republican stronghold. We're just so damn happy to see other Dems that even a discussion of the precinct convention process seems thrilling.

      by opus on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 05:05:36 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    If nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, how come there are always stories posted on newspaper websites about events that haven't happened yet?

    One Tin Liberal Street Fighter Rides Away ...

    by Madman in the marketplace on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 01:50:08 AM PDT

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    My country has lost its collective mind, and my President is a moronic sonuvabitch.  Also, my triglycerides are a tad high.

    Does George Stephanapolous love America as much as you do?

    by PrometheusSpeaks on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 01:51:48 AM PDT

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    Why does Holy Joe want to fuck up our chances in 2004?

    (It's a trifecta!)

    by Roastbeef on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 02:04:55 AM PDT

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 1)


    Dear Uncle Theoria,

    I have a problem.  I'm afraid that it might be serious.  I am addicted to hating GW Bush.  It's gotten so bad that if he were to save a drowning child, I'd wonder which industry he was paying back.  I blame him for everything; recently I had a difficult day at work, and I was certain Mr. Bush was at fault.  I see him everywhere Evil lurks, even in the movies.  In the battle between Saruman and Gandalf, I imagine it's Bush vs. Dean.  I see it as a loss for Democrats when Gandalf loses.

    Is this a recognized psychological disorder?  Is there known treatment?  Or is it possible that George Bush really is this... Evil?  Help!

    -Confused in Connecticut

    by CTDem2 on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 02:05:14 AM PDT

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

      "In the battle between Saruman and Gandalf, I imagine it's Bush vs. Dean.  I see it as a loss for Democrats when Gandalf loses."

      No.  Bush is Sauron.  Saruman and Grima are the DLC.  Theoden is the Democratic party.

      Any questions?

      Check out my blog if you like discussion of the Middle East and other random topics.

      by Brian Ulrich on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 03:26:25 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (4.00 / 4)

    this knocked me out of my chair.  dedicated to American Corporate Media as a whole.  That includes you, NPR.

    later

    by Randomtask on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 02:05:22 AM PDT

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

      Tomorrow's chemistry final won't ask for my opinion on the presidential race.

      by sotoro on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 02:13:58 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

        Tomorrow's chemistry final won't ask for my opinion on the presidential race.

        Yeah, and you dkossers aren't helping me study for Modern Chinese History or Greek History.  Geez, thanks a lot.  

        by skiddie on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 03:32:02 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

          Yeah, well, you kinda dug your own grave there, skiddie.  I'm pretty sure Modern Chinese History is an ELECTIVE no matter where you go to school (i mean, this side of Beijing).

          Let every man make known what kind of government would command his respect, and that would be one step toward obtaining it. --Henry David Thoreau

          by pam on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 06:49:24 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

            Not that it really matters, but no, I needed it for the 'NonWestern Culture' requirement, and of course, for the history major.  

            by skiddie on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 08:56:42 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

              Here's an idea!  Maybe you can get an independent study next semester in "History of Modern Weblogs"!!! Then your time on Kos will be, umm, technically, homework.  

              Let every man make known what kind of government would command his respect, and that would be one step toward obtaining it. --Henry David Thoreau

              by pam on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 09:06:17 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

              •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

                That sounds like an excellant plan!  Modern China starts for this class in 1644, though, so it's not quite as wacky-not-a-history-class as it sounds.  Actually, next semester I'm doing history of Imperial China (the 2000 years before 'modern').  

                by skiddie on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 09:51:05 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

      I think NPR is as big a whore as anyone else.  There stories echo the TV news.  They just go one longer.  There newscasters are shallow thinkers.  I can't count the number of times I heard reported on Morning Edition or All things Considered:

      That WPM were found today
      That Saddam's sons were found/killed
      That the war is over
      That the war is a good thing
      Wondering if someone who questioned the war in the past realizes what a great thing it is.

      This happened during the month of the Florida mess as well.  They were total tools of the Republican talking points.

      If there listeners are better informed than average, it has a lot more to do with their readers than what we get from them.

      They're better than nothing.  But not much.  (would it be worth it to get satellite radio?)

      by katiebird on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 10:17:31 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

        The first lines should read:

        I think NPR is as big a whore as anyone else.  Their stories echo the TV news.  They just go on longer.  Their newscasters are shallow thinkers.

        (I've had my coffee, there is no excuse.  Sorry)

        by katiebird on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 10:19:27 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    Very well. I have in as my aquantances three, yes count them, three very conservative individuals who if they had the chance and thought their guy could pull it off would suport and vote for anyone more conservative than Bush. Their main beefs are tax policy, national security, and welfare. And they are totally unwilling to understand the basics of progressive social policy (safety net AND promote the development of the individual) and do not believe a democrat has the 'balls' to go to war when necissary (despite my examples of a good many of them). Is there anything that I could say to get them to percieve my arguements as being even remotley plausible?

    +1 Voter

    by Izixs on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 02:23:25 AM PDT

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 1)

      Just tell them to go ahead and vote Republican, or don't vote at all, if they're OK with
      • out-of-control government spending,
      • excessive and secretive domestic spying powers thanks to the PATRIOT Act,
      • long-term international conflicts with inadequete planning that have the added benefit of alienating just about the whole planet,
      • losing our 'moral authority' by executing an illegal occupation of a foreign nation,
      • not having the 'balls' to stand up to the people who financed 9-11, the Saudis.  
      • an incomprehensible, contradictory and inconsistent set of foreign policies that have helped create the Korean penninsula's first nuclear power, North Korea, while simultaneously allowing the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to fester and further threaten stability in the region.
      And you may want to point out - Dean has more 'balls' than aWol could ever dream of.  In fact, he stood up to the Saudis in his speech this afternoon and proposed a wide range of foreign policy and national security initiatives directed at solving problems, not scoring political points.  

      Or we could do nothing and keep getting what we've been getting - America run by a kindergartener and his playpals.  

      later

      by Randomtask on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 02:34:29 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

        -They are okay with government spending as long as taxes are cut
        -The Patriot Act is one of the few things we agree was a bad move
        -They don't seem to give a hoot about allies or moral authority
        -Their views on many potential and active conflicts involve going in now a busting heads

        And yes, I have tried refuting their arugements:
        -Debt spending is bad unless the excess money is used to invest in the developement of the country and not in cutting taxes for some rich dude
        -Allies and moral authority are important not only in the benefit of having friends to help out when one has to go to war but also provides more global stability that if used properly can prevent future conflicts
        -War should be a last resort (insert one of thousands of reasons here)

        And they come up with counter arguements, ect. ect. And it continues like this until 3 am. Ick.

        +1 Voter

        by Izixs on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 02:49:40 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 1)

    Dear Uncle Theoria,

    I met this guy in the Summer of 2000. It was a whirlwind romance—we went everywhere together—and we decided to get married in November.

    But at the rehearsal, my dad punched his dad, and an all-out brawl ensued. The priest refused to marry us, and when we appealed to the bishop, he said if we got married, it would cause irreparable harm to the whole diocese, and possibly destroy the institution of marriage itself.

    So we broke up. I didn't see him much, and I heard he'd gone on an extended trip to Europe. After a while I forgot about him.

    Then, a few months ago, he came back to the States. He'd grown a beard, and was going around to all our favorite places talking about how much he hates chicken-fried steak.

    Uncle Theoria, chicken-fried steak used to be his favorite meal! I used to cook it for him all the time! I told all our old friends he'd lost his mind, that chicken-fried steak was the best food in the world, hoping they'd pass the word along and get him to snap out it.

    Then last week, he all of a sudden announced his engagement to someone else! And he didn't even call me first! I've been trying to tell all my friends about how rude he is, and how this new fiancee is a bitch who probably only cooks tofu, if she knows how to cook at all, but they're not returning my calls.

    What should I do?

    —Cast Off in Connecticut

    by hamletta on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 02:36:18 AM PDT

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 1)

    Ummm... lets see. This week is finals week and because I'm a fucking moron I'm way behind. Today I took a linguistics final that I probably failed, and handed in two papers that sucked and I have a computer science project and two more papers (one of which I haven't started yet) for wednesday.

    Oh and my fuckwit of a roommate has no work at all and he's the biggest moron in the known universe. PLUS HE INSISTS ON SCREAMING AT HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND AT 3AM EVERY DAY BECAUSE HE CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO FUCKING BREAK UP WITH HER. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR THREE MONTHS!

    If I survive until wednesday night (unlikely) I'll get to see Return of the King and take a month off. Perhaps after 160+ consecutive hours of sleep I'll be able to function like a normal human being but right now I'm PISSED.

    Let me say this - should anyone give you the opportunity to go to college several years early, don't take it.

    Oh, and my Presidents a fucking jackass.

    by Gabriel on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 02:57:47 AM PDT

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 1)

      It's funny reading about all you students fucking up  finals week.  I'm also doing cs and linguistics stuff, and I just gave the most pathetic performance of my academic career in the last few weeks. :)

      I'm going to blame it all on Bush.  This war is very distracting!

      by Adam on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 06:12:36 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

      Drop the computer science class. It isn't going to do you one damn bit of good - all the jobs are going to India - and can only hurt you by lowering your other course grades.

      - What happens on DailyKos, stays on Google.

      by Jon Meltzer on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 09:25:16 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    I live within a sea of Republicans.  I moved to the neighborhood, from another city, just prior to the 2000 election.  My new neighbors seemed like such nice people. I realized my mistake only after I was surrounded by Bush-Cheney signs.  I responded by putting three Gore signs in my yard, to balance the numerous Bush-Cheney signs in the neighborhood.  Many of my neighbors no longer speak to me.   This is fine and is not the problem with which I've come to you for advise.  My question is this.  In the 2004 election, how can I further annoy my neighbors without any possible bodily harm coming to me as a result.

    by pacifica on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 03:15:19 AM PDT

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

       
      I empathize with Gabriel and have a similar problem. My chemistry exam's tomorrow and it's in less than nine hours and I just looked over everything and realized how much I've forgotten and that I should've worked on it for the past week.  And my stupid fuckin' roommate's probably going to also yell at his stupid girlfriend in San Antonio, also till 3AM. ("baby i'm sorry...babe, no girl, don't hang up...don't you dare hang up...SHUT UP! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING!? MAN, YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF,...wait, babe i'm sorry. girl don't hang up..etc.) So it's really funny to listen to and thus hard to concentrate.  Also I hate George Bush and keep refreshing the daily kos for signs of his demise instead of doing schoolwork.

      by sotoro on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 03:35:07 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

        Oh, I'm so with you two.  
        The two papers and a final tomorrow?  Oh, I've got a bright idea-- I'll take a few minutes and check my mail.  And then D.Kos.  And then Atrios...
        I do have a piece of advice for your chem test though (this is based on the Latin test that I bombed this afternoon)-- wait until a few hours before the test before you start studying, then, when you get to the testing time you know that you did all you could in the time available, and anything you get wrong is the fault of the prof for not teaching well enough.  or something.  

        And my stupid fuckin' roommate's...  Two words for you: Singles fucking rock.  I love my roommate from last year, and his girlfriend, and all the times I was sexiled the night before a test and all, but SINGLES ROCK.  

        by skiddie on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 03:42:43 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

          I just recounted and that wasn't two words.  Sorry.  This is why I'm not a math major.  

          by skiddie on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 03:43:56 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

        •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

          Lol,
          thanks for the advice skiddie.
          That's my usual strategy; I cram so hard in the hour or two before the test and then go in and out of the test with a very productive feeling; then if I do badly the issue is not that I didn't study enough, but that all my hard studying right before the test salvaged the grade. My professor's very good though, so I'm not sure if I can convince myself of his ineptitude.  

          by sotoro on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 03:47:28 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 1)

    Dear Uncle Theoria,

    I have a serious problem. Just over three years ago, I fell through a fissure in the space-time continuum and ended up in a freaky alternate universe. In this strange dimension, the Supreme Court interfered in a presidential election, and made a blatently political decision to hand the 2000 election to a complete moron. (In my universe, Al Gore narrowly beat John McCain; the margin of victory would have been greater if it weren't for Ralph Nader.)

    This moron neglected the threat posed by Osama bin Laden's terrorist organization, Al Quaeda, and as a result, some 3000 innocent people died in a horrible incident on 11 Sept. 2001. Following this, Congress passed a law (ironically called the "PATRIOT" Act) which abrogated many of America's most valued liberties; the U.S. began imprisoning U.S. residents and even citizens without due process, and established what can only be referred to as an offshore gulag in Cuba.

    Then, about a year and a half later, the moron diverted our government's resources from the crucial fight against Al Quaeda in order to invade a country which posed no threat to us. In the process, the administration lied to Congress and the American people, and nobody cared. They alienated most of our long-standing allies, and nobody cared. Now, our military is tied down in a quagmire, we're spending tens of billions of dollars on a needless war, while our domestic infrastructure goes to pot.

    Please, please, please, help me find a way to get back to my home dimension. This evil parallel universe is more than I can take.

    by YT on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 04:00:55 AM PDT

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

      i knew i shoulda taken a left at albequerque!

      later

      by Randomtask on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 11:19:20 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

      Ah yes, I heard about this.  Truly Awful. You're really stuck in the branch of space-time in which the Supreme Court interfered in a presidential election, and made a blatently political decision.  

      Most of us here know about your problem.  This is possible because of Quantum tunneling. Radiation sometimes manages to tunnel through to our possible world--we have these devices called "TV sets" in which this tunneled radiation appears.  BTW Who's this guy Bush? We keep wondering why he shows up on our TV devices so much?  Looks like a real loser!

      Sorry but not much I can do about it.  

      Over here, a guy named Dean's got it all sewed up for next election.  

      Cheers

      by CSTAR on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 06:07:28 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    First off who the hell would name a child Theoria?!

    Secondly, of all the SciFi shows to bring back why did SciFi Channel choose Battle Star Galactia?!

    Thirdly, has anyone noticed that when Howard Dean is at idle (not speaking) he looks bewildered and bored? His lips are partially open and his eyes are half closed. What's up with that?

    Damn! I thought Theoria was a chick! Now I find out he's actually a salty, crusty, sharp tounged uncle figure!

    This world is mysterious and troubling in so many ways!

    ....Listen to Ded Prez....

    by Manix on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 04:28:22 AM PDT

    •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

      Secondly, of all the SciFi shows to bring back why did SciFi Channel choose Battle Star Galactia?!

      Well, some of us remember the Cylons quite fondly :)

      Actually BG has an interesting meme: humanity is alone and adrift in a sea of "aliens" who are "cold" and have no "feelings" - therefore the humans on the BG have to mix a good dose of humor with their inevitable feeling of annihilation as they desperate fend off wave after wave of attack.

      If you exchange "Battlestar Galactica" with "Battlestar United States", you can see why someone might bring this show back.

      Night and day you can find me Flogging the Simian

      by Soj on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 09:06:12 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    When I saw the title of this diary entry, I thought you might be implementing the Wolfowitz "Flypaper" theory and issuing a "bring 'em on!" to the trolls.

    by opus on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 05:07:38 AM PDT

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    This NYT headline:

    "After 12 Years, Sweet Victory: The Bushes' Pursuit of Hussein"

    Something's missing.

    by Felix Deutsch on Tue Dec 16, 2003 at 06:27:35 AM PDT

  •  Re: What's Your Fucking Problem? (none / 0)

    ANSWERS HERE

    threehundredandtwentyelectoralvotes

    by theoria on Wed Dec 17, 2003 at 02:43:30 AM PDT

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