Any day now, Ralph Nader will begin complaining about not being invited to the presidential debates (followed shortly, one would think, by Michael Badnarik, the Libertarian nominee). The complaints will, of course, fall on deaf ears outside their own choirs. 24 years ago, Ed Clark led the Libertarians to break the magic 1% bar in the Carter-Reagan race, and they haven't been back to such lofty heights since. The 2.75% of the vote that Nader took in 2000 will certainly seem like a lot compared to what he pulls this November. I suppose one could argue that being excluded from the debates contributes to such low showings, though I doubt that spotlight would flatter either.
Anyhow, if those low vote-getters should qualify, then where does one draw the bar? There are a boatload of candidates running for president each time out and giving them all a go at it would make the debates look like a high school marching band performance. But fair is fair, so I thought I'd give some shouts out to a few of our more, uh, colorful tickets in 2004 that won't be fielding any questions from Jim Lehrer.
The American Party
Diane Templin heads the ticket for the AP, which seem more or less to be libertarians that love the Old Testament, oppose abortion, and consider homosexuality "a plague sweeping the nation and creating a wave of disease and immorality." Oh, and they want to take back the Panama Canal.
The Constitution Party
Former Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore and his Holy Boulder flirted with a run on the CP's ticket, so you know what to expect. Specifically, that would be the words "God" and "Biblical" appearing about every tenth word in any party document. Mike Peroutka, a lawyer and "Biblical-Constitutionalist" educator from Maryland heads the ticket. Oh, and they want to take back the Panama Canal, too.
The Peace and Freedom Party
Definitely not spending big bucks on web designers, the PFP has cause celebre convicted murderer Leonard Peltier as their standard-bearer this year, replacing cause celebre convicted murderer Mumia Abu-Jamal, who declined the nomination. Peltier's running mate is his lead criminal defense attorney. 'Nuff said, I think.
The Personal Choice Party
After a foreshortened bid for the Libertarian's VP nomination, Charles Jay decided that was too mainstream or something and decided to form the PCP instead. The PCP is kinda like the Libertarian Party, but with a particular emphasis on gambling and boxing. Marilyn Chambers is his running mate. Yes, that Marilyn Chambers.
The Prohibition Party
The oldest third party still exists, barely, and with the most bare-bones party website you'll ever see. After winning a whopping 208 votes nationwide in 2000, the PP had a schism, so while temperance lecturer ("reenacts early-1900s evangelist Billy Sunday's 'Sermon Against Alcohol' ") Gene Amondson is the official nominee, longtime party head and campaign button manufacturer Earl Dodge is running on a renegade PP ticket, trying to gain ballot access in Colorado. The whole story is too weird to summarize, but it's worth a read. Also, they advocate a return to the gold standard, but don't mention Panama. I suspect they want it back too, though.
The Judean People's Front
Or is that the People's Front of Judea? Anyhow, the Socialist Party USA, the Socialist Equality Party, the Socialist Worker's Party, and the Workers World Party are splitting the windmill-tilting vote, but the SWP gets extra credit by nominating two people ineligible to hold the office, since Roger Calero isn't an American citizen and his VP choice is only in her 20's. Strategery.
But those are just the guys with fancy-schmancy, high-falutin' parties behind them. The real fun begins with the independent and write-in candidates. A few of my favorites from the long list:
AJ Albritton - "The American candidate who is also the Victorian Candidate. The Victorian Era to be the New Model Victorian Era -- from the male point of view."
Sterling D. Allen - His candidacy this year was foretold by Alphabetic Bible Code and is essential to averting WWIII.
Harry Braun - His vision revolves around constructing a fleet of oceanbound windship hydrogen production systems.
Jack Grimes - Head of the United Fascist Union, his website includes a transcript of a speech he delivered in 1998 to the Flying Saucer Society of Dover, DE.
Andrew Rotramel - Promises to offer Noam Chomsky the position of National Security Advisor. Poor speller.
Average Joe Schriner - "Joe Schriner is average height (5'10") and average weight (155). He went to an average college (Bowling Green State University in Ohio) where he got average grades. He has an average size family (two kids) and lived in an average Midwestern town (Ripley, Ohio). The last couple of years, however, he did a not-so-average thing. He ran for President..."
Lawrence Rey Topham - Perhaps the most genuinely nuts candidate in the list, Topham has refused to even touch the fake U.S. currency since 1981 and single-handedly declared martial law in Utah in 1997. He is now "Secretary of State of the State of Utah and Acting Governor during martial law." Also, his favorite food is wheat.
Da Vid - A $33 donation will get you a membership in his new Light Party, along with a New Age CD and music video.
Tom Wells - Can't tell what's on his head in the picture, but Wells' site contains a lot of words, many of them in ALL CAPS. He is running because God appeared to him in his bedroom a decade ago, starting the conversation thusly: ""TOM ----- TELL MY PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE TO TELL THEIR PUBLIC OFFICIALS THAT THEY ARE PREPARED NOT TO PAY THEIR TAXES UNTIL ABORTION IS NO LONGER PUBLICLY FUNDED."
AJ Wildman - The Hemp Candidate.