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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
...and Calvin Trillon (from `Obliviously On He Sails')
Cheney's Head: An Explanation
One mystery I've tried to disentangle:
Why Cheney's head is always at an angle.
He tries to come on straight, and yet I can't
Help notice that his head is at a slant.
When Cheney's questioned on the Sunday shows,
The Voice of Reason is his favorite pose.
He drones in monotones. He never smiles---
Explaining why some suspects don't need trials,
Or why right now it simply stands to reason
That criticizing Bush amounts to treason,
Or which important precept it would spoil
To know who wrote our policy on oil,
Or why as CEO he wouldn't know
What Halliburton's books were meant to show.
And as he speaks I've kept a careful check
On when his head's held crooked on his neck.
The code is broken, after years of trying:
He only cocks his head when he is lying.
Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Copy section... [Cock!] RIGHTNOW! [Lie!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Daily Countdown:
Days `til 2004 Olympic Games: 2
Days 'til Republican Convention: 19
Days 'til General Election: 83
Days `til Kerry's inauguration: 162
Fahrenheit 9/11 worldwide gross: $145,699,000
CHEERS to Jim Rassmann. Kerry swift boat crewmate deflects SBVFT smear campaign with op-ed in Wall Street Journal (http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/081104L.shtml): "But when the noise and fog of their distortions and lies have cleared, a man who volunteered to serve his country, a man who showed up for duty when his country called...will stand tall and proud. [snip] Swift Boat Veterans for Bush should hang their heads in shame." If they had any.
JEERS to snarky choices. Bush nominates Rep. Porter Goss (R-FL) as new CIA chief. His contribution to civility re: Valerie Plame investigation: "Somebody sends me a blue dress and some DNA, I'll have an investigation." Great...he'll fit right in with this administration.
CHEERS to diary flotation devices. Kos implements Recommended Diary feature, allowing the best and the brightest to stay longer on the surface of the deep blog sea. But...you will come visit us bottom-feeders from time to time, won't you?
JEERS to sad excuses. Why did the Bushies blow Al Qaeda mole Mohammed Nasin Noor Khan's cover when parts of U.S. went to terror level orange? According to Dick "Dick" Morris, "Because the Michael Moores of the world would not respect the terror warning without proof--even if this evidence compromised efforts to get more intelligence." http://www.nypost.com/postopinion/opedcolumnists/26632.htm. Mr. Jaw, meet Mr. Floor.
CHEERS to vat mileage. Oil prices hit $45 a barrel for the first time---a record 21 year high. Thank god the folks at R&D are on the case: http://www.duluthsuperior.com/mld/duluthsuperior/news/politics/9186729.htm.
JEERS to Kerry's "Whaaa?" Moment. Our guy says he would've voted for the Iraq war even if he knew there were no WMDs there. Watch your step, Senator---this is the kind of loose talk that turns blue states purple.
JEERS to dumb moves. On August 11, 1984, during a radio voice test, President Reagan jokes that he has just "signed legislation that would outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." The Russians had a good laugh over it...right after they carefully put their missiles back in their silos and sucked down a bottle of vodka (not necessarily in that order).
CHEERS to deadly pundit spittle contained. Headline on Washington Post's homepage today is a howler: "Fox to Be Tested for Rabies." We didn't bother to read it...we just assume they're talking about the network.
CHEERS to celebrity scuffles. Mike Wallace, 86, is cited for disorderly conduct after lunging at city official: http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/08/10/wallace.arrest/index.html. Doctors are still removing dentures from the guy's throat.
JEERS to odors most foul. 75% of Americans want to be told if they smell bad, says Emily Post Institute. But I always get stuck on the bus with the 25 percent who don't.
CHEERS to your tax dollars hard at work. The Washington Post reports that the federal government has created 47 executive titles in the last few decades. Some of the better ones include "Deputy associate deputy secretary," "Deputy assistant assistant secretary," and "Principal deputy deputy assistant secretary." So much for keeping your résumé to one page.
JEERS to the vision thing. Not exactly what our troops in Iraq have in mind when they hear the word `replacement': http://media.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/photo/homepage/hp8-10-04ll.jpg. But what an attention-getter at parties! Thanks, Mr. President!
CHEERS to sneaky surveillance. Alabama Dept. of Transportation employee installed spyware on his boss's PC and discovered that he spent 70 percent of his workday playing solitaire and 20 percent checking his stocks. We'd call the employee to thank him personally, but he---not the boss---got fired. Why are we not surprised?
CHEERS to real-life villains we love to hate. Accused wife-poisoner and über-elitist weirdo Claus von Bulow is 78 today. Do we wish him a happy birthday? "You have no idea."
JEERS to noise pollution. [Sigh]...Auto theft alarms. Do you ever call 911 when you hear that ear-splitting WooWooJoopJoopBlatBlatWhooooop? Neither do we---because we hope someone's actually stealing the thing so we can get back to sleep.
6-month C&J Flashback...February 11, 2004
CHEERS to Wesley Clark. `Anybody But Dean' alternative bows out gracefully after poor showings in TN and VA. You're a good man...Sir!...and I'm proud to have shaken your hand. Moral of story: last-ditch "Anybody but Dean" campaign didn't work. The doctor is still standing.
JEERS to Bush National Guard payroll records. They prove...ummm...nothing. Did your fellow guard members dislike you so much that NONE of them will vouch for you?
JEERS to fundamentalist wackos. Born-again American Airlines pilot gets on intercom and urges like-minded passengers to convert non-believers in the cabin to Christianity. If this nutcase had been preaching Islam, an F-16 would have been scrambled to shoot the $#!$@ plane out of the sky.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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