January 22, 2005
PBJ Diddy
Suicide Note and Cat feeding instructions
To whom it may concern (If you had been so f*cking concerned earlier, we might not be at this point, but alas...):
I've gone out the window.
Shortly after midnight on election day, 2004, when the last ballot was counted and it became clear that I was the only person in America to vote for John Kerry, (he couldn't even vote for
himself the limp prick) I realized that this decision was inevitable.
I kissed my wife on the forehead, tousled the hair of my young sons, and crept out silently in my Birkenstocks. I bought a skinny latte at starbucks, and drove my volvo to the pier...as I gazed out on the conservative starlight glistening on the hudson river I reflected on those terrible two months and the campaign which forced me to 'Dukakis' myself.
I suppose the turning point for Kerry came when he and Edwards were giving a rally in Berkeley just after labor day and the crowd of feminists, welfare queens and hippie-peaceniks goaded them into kissing each other on the lips. Drudge was the first one to show the photo on his website, and despite the fact that he doctored it to make it appear as though both men were wearing mesh tanktops, the AP and CNN soon picked up the story and it exploded across the country.
The next day, Bush was 23 points up in the polls (except Gallup which had him up 32 points, obviously an outlier). Then - the bad news hit. Kobe Bryant accused Edwards of sexually assaulting him in a Taos Motel 6. Kerry was forced to drop Edwards from the ticket and replace him with Jane Fonda.
And when the October jobs report came out showing the nation had created 800,000 new jobs in September, Kerry - not realizing he was speaking into an open mike - committed a gaffe by saying, "Gee, maybe Bush IS a good president." It didn't help that new Kerry campaign bumper stickers had just been printed mistakenly with the slogan, "Tax to the MAX!" on them.
Then came the debates. Cheney won easily against Fonda, despite the fact that he died onstage. Jane performed CPR on him, he revived, and delivered the best one liner of the campaign season, "Get your filthy paws off of me - you damn dirty ape!"
Bush didn't even show up for his one debate with Kerry, instead he sent the Texas Deputy Insurance Commissioner who tried to deliver Bush's debating points to Kerry, but was refused as Kerry flailed his arms in his pink chiffon dress saying, "Bring it on! Bring it on!"
As polls showed Kerry barely breaking 20% and Bush coasting to victory - suddenly came the October surprise! Bush shocked the country by wearing a commando uniform (complete with grenades on his codpiece) to a Kerry rally, mounted the stage and pointing at Teresa Heinz-Kerry shouted "She's A MAN BABY" - when he tore off her latex mask, he revealed ...Osama Bin Laden. Kerry turned around to run away, but tripped on his high heels and skidded across the floor scratching his nose. He ran through the crowd with tears streaming mascara down his face until medics applied bacitracin and a spongebob band-aid.
Democrats regained a little hope the next week when, in a moment of arrogant over-confidence, Karl Rove feasted on still-living, preemie, twin babies on the Regis and Kelly show. But the resulting two-point bounce was too little, too late. Bush sailed into the final weekend of the campaing with a 95-3 lead.
Kerry made a last ditch, final plea for votes the Sunday before election day. He purchased a half-hour of national television and delivered an impassioned, reasoned and brilliant speech denouncing Bush for his economic failures, false wars and fanatical über-christian pogroms. But, sadly his handlers had failed him again -- he had given the speech in the nude wearing only a frilly lace garter and FRENCH nylons.
Epilogue:
Everyone in the country is a republican now. My children were given government-issued handguns at their mandatory bible camps over the Reaganmas Holidays. At the Bush Bowl next week, they will crucify Janet AND Michael Jackson during the halftime show while Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" echoes throughout the Haliburton Dome. Don't weep for me, I'm the world's last liberal - I am a dinosaur, an anachronism to an earlier time, before the country was called the W.S.A....think of me when you eat chicken, or really over-cooked pasta. My time came - and went. Goodbye cruel world, I go to a better place, beyond this realm.
PBJ
P.S. - One can Whiska's divided four ways in the morning, handful of dry in each bowl at night. Fresh water as needed.