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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today (an oldie but a goodie)...
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion....The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay....A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation....Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism....HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart....Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
Remember: Friends don't let friends vote Republican. A public service message from this station and the Ad Council.
Have a great weekend! Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Copy section... [Swooosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 24, 2004: Exclusive Poopysnot Edition
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the First Debate: 6
Days `til Veep debate: 11
Days 'til General Election: 39
Days 'til Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith: 237
Days at Terror Alert Blue or Green: 0
Audible farts at yesterday's Bush/Allawi press conference: 3
http://www.electoral-vote.com/ : Kerry 217 Bush 311
JEERS to Americans poopysnots. That means YOU! During yesterday's press conference, George Bush said he "saw a poll that said the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America. It was pretty darn strong. I mean, the people see a better future." Yes...maybe the Iraqi army should fly over here and "liberate" us.
JEERS to the House of Poopysnots. This is so bad---Hastert & Co. just voted to prevent the Supreme Court from hearing cases revolving around the phrase "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance, effectively saying "screw you" to the Judicial branch: http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/09/23/pledge.undergod.ap/index.html. Ruth Bader Ginsberg was so mad she threw a chair out a window and screamed, "You want a piece of me?!!" This could get ugly.
CHEERS to the Environment President. On this date in 1906, Theodore Roosevelt signed a bill designating Devils Tower---that kewl rock formation---as the country's first National Monument. Enjoy it while you can; we hear Bush thinks there's oil under it.
JEERS to George W. Poopysnot flip-flop #354. And this one's sneaky. After agreeing to leave non-discrimination rule in effect for gay civil service employees (having tried unsuccessfully to nix it earlier---that would be flip-flop #353), the White House makes subtle change in contract language that effectively dismantles the rule anyway: http://www.365gay.com/newscon04/09/092204civServ.htm. But C&J wonders why they bothered---the cement's almost dry at the new Homo Sweet Homo internment camp.
CHEERS to Yom Kippur. According to an online guidebook: "You purchase a live chicken, and you revolve the chicken around your head reciting a prayer asking that the chicken be considered atonement for your sins. The chicken is then slaughtered and given to the poor (or its value is given)." Um...couldn't they just spin a dreidl?
JEERS to mixed-up priorities. Apparently, the indictment of three aides who are joined at the hip with the Most Powerful Person in the Unites States Congress isn't newsworthy enough for poopysnots Brokaw, Jennings and Rather: http://mediamatters.org/items/200409230013. In their defense, team coverage of the fake Britney wedding was top notch.
JEERS to wily GOoPers. By inserting the phrase "...our leaders in Congress" into their ads, the Bush campaign exploits a loophole that allows access to millions in additional $$$ from the Republican Party. The Democrats tried the same thing, but they thought it was "...our wieners in Congress." Eh...potato/puhtahto.
CHEERS to David Wu. With an ad like this, how can anyone not vote to re-elect the Oregon Congressman? (via MyDD) http://www.wuforcongress.com/wuontv.php. Do political ads qualify for Emmys?
JEERS to more tax cuts. They pass them ($146 billion this time) even though they admit they can't pay for them: http://www.iht.com/articles/540180.html. But Hastert, Frist and DeLay posed for a victory photo anyway: http://p.webshots.com/ProThumbs/17/12817_wallpaper280.jpg. Somebody needs a Mach3.
CHEERS to wishes granted. Howard Dean will be in Portland next Thursday to sign copies of his new book, 'You Have the Power.' For you Mainers, it's at Books, Etc. on Exchange Street from 2:30 to 4. Now, what should we ask him...besides the obvious "boxers or briefs?"
JEERS to losing Franken. The poopysnots at WLVP in Portland are yanking Air America in favor of ESPN, leaving us tethered to our PC for our daily Franken fix. But CHEERS to the raucous liberals whose 300+ emails and phone calls scored a 1-month extension: http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/news/local/040923airamerica.shtml. Here's hoping some enterprising programmer picks up the slack on November 9.
JEERS to wrong turns. `The Week' magazine reports that three elderly people from North Carolina started on a routine car trip to the mall, and 16 hours later realized they had wandered into Georgia. Only then did they finally ask for directions. Yes...a man was at the wheel.
JEERS to poopysnotiously obvious conclusions. Wow...did you know that having enough money to pay for stuff makes you happier than when you're up to your eyeballs in debt? We know that sounds too craaaazy to be true, so here's the link: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=533&e=1&u=/ap/20040923/ap_on_re_us/ap_po
ll_satisfaction. Tomorrow's study: Hot poker stuck in eye socket may cause redness and irritation.
CHEERS to Braaaaaains. "Shaun of the Dead" opens in theatres today, and it's getting some of the best reviews of the year: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/shaun_of_the_dead/. Special kudos to the makeup department for their effective use of poopysnot.
CHEERS to C&J's EXCLUSIVE debate preview! Six days and counting. The venue: http://www.creators.com/editorial_show.cfm?comicname=cj. The dress rehearsal: http://www.creators.com/editorial_show.cfm?comicname=lk. The Essential Viewers prep material: http://www.golfbox.hu/images/photos/photo-bacardi-01n.jpg. Bring...it...on!
Cheers and Jeers Flashback: December 24, 2003...
JEERS to Christmas `03. Mad cow disease, terror alert, shoppers fighting, and Bush still in office. Let's see Santa's press secretary spin this.
JEERS to invasion of Holland. The U.S. Government says it reserves the right to use force if International Tribunal in Hague ever puts an American on the stand. And while we're at it, let's get rid of that tyrant Queen Beatrix and her windmills of mass destruction.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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