Baltimore, MD-A new 527 group of inebriated mariners has formed in response to frequent comparisons between their spending habits and those of President George W. Bush.
The group, which calls itself "Shit-faced Sailors For Truth" held a dockside press conference today in this port city, er-lie in the morning.
Presiding over the conference was the group's president, identified as a Captain Morgan. "You hear it all the time," Morgan began, "Bush spends like a drunken sailor. Well yo-ho-hold on there! That's a vicious lie!"
"Look, I'm a rummy and I'm proud of it," Morgan continued. "And when I get liquored up I've been known to toss around the pieces of eight. `Pieces of eight for pieces of ass,' that's my motto," Morgan said. "And it's obvious just by looking at me that I have a fondness for really flashy threads, and I don't mind spending what it takes to look good. Drunkard, whore monger, and yes, clotheshorse, that's me. But fiscally irresponsible? No way."
After Morgan's opening remarks, another sailor with enormous forearms but curiously skinny biceps addressed the press. "I yam what I yam, and I yam an alcoholic," the sailor began. "And when I'm three sheets to the wind I likes to buy truckloads of spinichk and engage in rough-housin' But if youse think I'd leave my bills for my little Swee'pea, or the rest of his generation to pay, well alls I can say is thems fightin' words." The sailor concluded his remarks by stating that to be compared to George W. Bush "was embarrasskin'."
The next sailor to speak also sought to separate his group from comparisons to Bush. "Look, I've spent the better part of my life visiting exotic ports, getting absolutely hammered, and then tossing bottles of Old Spice to complete strangers," he claimed. "Why? Because it's what I do! But it's strictly pay-as-you go with me."
The final speaker of the morning was a sailor who stated that "In the Navy, yes you can sail the seven seas, in the Navy, yes you can put your mind at ease, in the Navy, come on now people make a stand, in the Navy, can't you see we need a hand?" The sailor continued, "When I'm in my cups, well sixteen men and a dead sexy man's chest.....that's a good time for me! But spend money I don't even have? Don't be insane! Personally I economize on lodging. I've found it's fun to stay at the YMCA."
There was no immediate response from the White House to the group's claims. At an afternoon briefing, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was asked repeatedly "What will you do with the drunken sailors? What will you do with the drunken sailors?" McClellan declined to comment on the group's claims directly, but he did state that the President "does not own a shiver-me-timbers company."