"The technology," spokesman Alan Frissbager noted, "is now available for instant communications between every American on the face of the earth."
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Herding Blue Cats
March 6, 2006
by: Winston Smith, Washington Bureau Chief
President Bush, in extended consultations with communication giants SBC, MSNBC, and Verizon, will introduce to Congress next week a new communications initiative.
"The technology," spokesman Alan Frissbager noted, "is now available for instant communications between every American on the face of the earth."
The new initiative, the Federal Electronic Communication and Locator Bill, will mandate that every American be fitted with a state-of-the-art microchip just below their right eye orbit. When activated, the microchip will automatically translate any conversation into English, and transmit that conversation to any other person on the face of the earth equipped with the same system. The new program uses existing cell tower systems enhanced by a recently developed network of hyperspeed centralized routers developed by the NSA in conjunction with Diebold. These routers are also tied to the global positioning satellite, or GPS, system, which will allow both sender and receiver to know within a few centimeters where the other is located.
"Imagine the new empowerment this will provide to every American," Frissbager continued. "No longer will businesses be required to send their employees on expensive business trips. Communications are instantaneous."
The new system is also highly touted by Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. "If we'd had a system like this on September 10th of 2001, September 11th would never have happened because we could have heard the translated conversations between the hijackers the moment they were spoken."
Although the program might prove to be highly controversial, Vice President Dick Cheney is expected to push for quick enactment of the FECAL initiative when Congress reconvenes next week. "National security mandates we take this program seriously," he declared, "and the safeguards to our security and liberties are the systems themselves."