I have been holding this in for too long now, and I feel it is time to avail myself of the amazing pulpit that is the Daily Kos.
Friends, tip your friendly delivery driver. Please. And tip well.
However, tonight was one of the worst nights of my life as a friendly delivery driver.
I work in a small but very wealthy town in the East Bay, California. It's a "San" town, like San Francisco, and the second word rhymes with the Spanish word for ham. A one bedroom apartment in this town will cost ya $1200 a month, and a modest 3 bedroom house is a bargain at half a million. We're talkin' rich people here, about 70% of whom are Republicans whose tax cut this year will exceed my 2004 wages.
I took 21 deliveries tonight, and made a grand total of $27 in tips. That, my friends, blows. $630 in pizza, salad, and soda, and I brought home $27. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.
So, I'm going to lecture you. Let me start with the basics:
1. DELIVERING PIZZA WITH A BIG SIGN ON YOUR CAR THAT SAYS YOU'RE DELIVERING PIZZA IS DANGEROUS!
That's right. That sign, to most average people, might make you think, "Hey, pizza sounds good tonight!" But to someone in desperate need of a buck, that sign means, "Hey, that nerdy white guy probably has a bunch of cash on him!" And even though I don't usually have a bunch of cash on me, they don't know that. The sign doesn't proclaim, "This friendly delivery driver is just as broke as you." I have been personally assaulted once, and it sucked. Delivering pizza, even in a rich town full of SUV driving Republicans, is dangerous.
2. PEOPLE ARE SHITTY DRIVERS!
You know this. You see shitty drivers every day. Guess what? You're friendly delivery driver has to deal with them 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have been rear-ended twice. Luckily, I have never been injured by a shitty driver, but some of my friendly driver friends have been. People... are shitty drivers.
3. IT'S MY CAR I'M BRINGING YOU PIZZA IN!
I have to change my oil once every 4 to 6 weeks. My employer doesn't pay for this. Nor do they pay for tune-ups or new tires or anything else. I get a small "per-delivery" reimbursement, but it pays for nothing. When you see a "Delivery Fee" on your receipt, PLEASE KNOW THAT YOUR FRIENDLY DELIVERY DRIVER GETS ONLY A FRACTION OF IT! Why? I don't know. We're talking about corporations here, and corporations are evil. Your friendly delivery driver is not. Tip him/her.
4. YOUR FRIENDLY DELIVERY DRIVER MAKES SHIT FOR WAGES.
It should come as no surprise to you that delivery drivers make shit in wages. I know there aren't any Kossacks that need me to distinguish "minimum wage" and "living wage" for them. Tips bridge that gap (and that goes for servers, car-washers, bellhops, and anyone else with a tip-jar in plain sight).
Are you all with me so far? Good. Thanks for hanging in there. I know this is difficult. You're feeling lots of liberal guilt for being such an asshole to your friendly delivery driver in the past. But we're almost done. All that's left is to tell you why your excuses for not tipping LIBERALLY are bullshit.
BULLSHIT REASON #1. "I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO TIP WELL!"
You, my non-friendly customer, are full of shit. And you should be ashamed of yourself. If you're so damn poor, what the hell are you doing ordering a fucking pizza from a crappy, overpriced pizza chain? That $20 you just spent on one large pizza could have gotten you 4 of the same size and quality in the freezer isle at the supermarket. Your stupidity is not an excuse for being a shitty tipper. In fact, next time I see you, I'm going to charge you a 20% "stupidity" surcharge.
BULLSHIT REASON #2. "YOU GET THE DELIVERY FEE! THAT'S YOUR TIP!"
See above, you jackass. And if you're really worried about it, ask your friendly delivery driver what portion of that fee he/she actually gets. And if you don't want to pay the fee, please feel free to get up off your lazy ass and go pick up the goddam pizza yourself. And while you're driving to the restaurant, you can ask yourself when you became such a miserable old codger.
BULLSHIT REASON #3. I SAW RESERVIOR DOGS, AND MR. PINK DOESN'T TIP. HE'S THE COOLEST GUY IN THE MOVIE.
And you still play D&D in your mom's basement, don't you? Nevermind, there's no hope for you anyway. But remember, I know where you (and your mother) live.
There is, amazingly enough, plenty more to say here, but I've lost the energy for it. Plus, I'm sure kid oakland has posted some amazing diary that I should be reading. So I'll simply leave you with a few reasons you might want to give your friendly delivery driver a little something extra, on top of that little something extra:
- Do you live 9 million miles from the restaurant? Well guess what? Not only is your shitty tip costing your friendly delivery driver money, but he/she also could have made 3 or 4 more deliveries in the time it took him/her to get to you. We love our crazy-militant-reclusive-boondocks customers, but you need to love us back.
- Does your friendly delivery driver have to walk up seven flights of stairs to get to you? If so, not only does he/she have to walk those stairs, but these stairs are a dead giveaway that you live in an apartment complex that has no available parking for at least 5 blocks. We... hate... you...
- Is it raining? Or is it 120 degrees outside? Is it a holiday? Yeah, you on Burns Circle! Stiffing me on Easter Sunday... Jesus. Did your dog attack your friendly delivery driver? Are you a hefty middle aged man who answers the door in a speedo?
And most importantly:
- Does your house/apartment reek of marijuana? Throw in a few extra bucks, and the authorities don't even have to know.