KJV NEWS: "In a recent speech the millennium before last, Jesus Christ gave a press conference to formally announce his position on several policy issues. Many candidates have claimed to be spokesmen for the Savior, and those close to Christ have privately said that He felt it was time to clarify His position on the issues. Supporters of the popular Nazarene were present in large numbers. Traveling with the Savior is Matthew Levi, gospel correspondent. Matthew?"
(MATTHEW stands in front of a mountainside amphitheater, clearly in the aftermath of a major event. Janitorial crews rove about, collecting discarded chunks of bread and fish.)
MATTHEW: "Seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain. And when he was set, his disciples came unto him. He opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, 'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.'"
KJV NEWS: "Matthew, this sounds like some strong support for low-income tax cuts and improved services for the poor. Did Christ give any supporting figures for his claim of divine blessing?"
MATTHEW: "Christ had a lot to say. He didn't spend a lot of time on math. He went on to voice his support for the families of the 9/11 victims as well as all those killed in the war in Iraq, then immediately indicted the current administration's 'America first' policies."
(cut to JESUS at the Lectern on the Mount)
JESUS: "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."
(Back to MATTHEW, live at the Mount)
KJV NEWS: "That's a pretty nuanced position. Will the average voter be able to understand it?"
MATTHEW: "Hard to say, but that wasn't the only complex issue Christ tackled. Listen to what He had to say about Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo."
(cut to JESUS)
JESUS: "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
(back to MATTHEW)
KJV NEWS: "Wow. So He's calling for an investigation into these abuses, as well as an end to torture and other vengeful policies?"
MATTHEW: "Well, Christ's team wouldn't come right out and say as much. But before the event, spokesmen said that His meaning would be abundantly clear to the righteous. But there's no mistaking the meaning of what came next."
(cut to JESUS)
JESUS: "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven; for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you."
(back to MATTHEW)
KJV NEWS: "That's a pretty strong position He's staked out. It doesn't leave much wiggle room for the "Bush doctrine" of pre-emptive war."
MATTHEW: "Well as you know, He's not known for allowing 'wiggle room' on ethical issues. Jesus has always been strong on personal accountability, and today was no exception."
(cut to JESUS)
JESUS: "Ye are the salt of the earth. But if the salt have lost his savor, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men. Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven."
(back to MATTHEW)
KJV NEWS: "So He is clearly in favor of full disclosure of 'good works.' Do you think he means the same is true for mediocre or even incompetent works?"
MATTHEW: "It sounded to me like heavy criticism of the culture of secrecy. By saying that good works should be carried out in the open, He implied that only evil works would be hidden. Later in the speech, He made it clear that even misdemeanors would not be overlooked by Heaven's immigration department."
(cut to JESUS)
JESUS: "Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven. But whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I say unto you, that except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven."
(back to MATTHEW)
MATTHEW: "As He has in past statements, Jesus was obviously not supportive of any 'ends justifies the means' policy decisions. Here He is again addressing accountability."
(cut to JESUS)
JESUS: "And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."
(back to MATTHEW)
KJV NEWS: "That seems to go directly against the Bush administration's emphasis on loyalty, doesn't it?"
MATTHEW: "Well, if I were George, I'd have plucked out my Rumsfeld about 18 months ago."
(LAUGHTER)
MATTHEW: "Ahem. Sorry about that. In the highlight of his speech, Jesus laid out His position on vengeance in no uncertain terms."
(cut to JESUS)
JESUS: "Ye have heard that it hath been said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil. But whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven. For he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
"For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."
(back to MATTHEW)
MATTHEW: "That makes it pretty clear, I'd say. Later, the Savior weighed in on the influence of money on our leaders."
(cut to JESUS)
JESUS: "No man can serve two masters. For either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."
(back to MATTHEW)
MATTHEW: "Strong medicine for our times. Later, Jesus addressed the penchant for finger-pointing in today's negative campaigns."
(cut to JESUS)
JESUS: "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?"
KJV NEWS: "Matthew, we're almost out of time. Any other memorable parts of the speech we should know about before we go?"
MATTHEW: "There was just so much here, I really recommend our viewers go and read the transcript for themselves. But just a couple more quick points before we go. First, He made a strong case for bringing back the mutual respect long absent from American foreign policy."
(cut to JESUS)
JESUS: "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets."
(back to MATTHEW)
MATTHEW: "Christ wrapped up with a strong statement that came very close to an endorsement in this election."
(cut to JESUS)
JESUS: "Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them."
(back to MATTHEW)
MATTHEW: "He's saying here that we should look at the record and make our decisions on the results."
KJV NEWS: "With polls consistently showing that the voters don't think much of this administration's 'fruit,' is this Christ's way of endorsing Kerry?"
MATTHEW: "I think that's for our viewers to judge. But the Savior is rumored to be omniscient, so he must be aware that the economic, diplomatic, and military situation has certainly not improved over where it was four years ago."
KJV NEWS: "Do you think His speech will have any effect in the current political climate?"
MATTHEW: "Only time will tell. We'll have to see how this affects next millennium's poll numbers.
"And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people were astonished at his doctrine. For he taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.
"I'm Matthew Levi, reporting."