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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Okay, folks, here's the way it's gonna be.
Monday: We're spending the day waiting in line to get good seats for the Al Franken Show live at Merrill Auditorium, so we'll post our FIRST EVER `Best of Cheers and Jeers.' Trust me, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll fill out a Pulitzer Prize nomination ballot.
Tuesday: We'll be voting. All day. As many times as we can. In as many states as we can. (Memo to FEC: We kid! We're kidders! Put the cuffs away!). So no C&J that day.
Wednesday: Our first ever Kerry Victory C&J. You got that in writing, Bub.
Have a great weekend and remember these words of comfort when you're feeling anxious:
"There is no `I' in Al QaQaa."
"We are ALL Al QaQaaniacs now."
"Can you Al QaQaa me now? Good."
"We put the QaQ in Al QaQaa!"
"This generation of Americans has a rendezvous with QaQaa!"
"Ask not what Al QaQaa can do for you. Ask what you can do for Al QaQaa."
Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended QaQaapy section... [Swooosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 29, 2004
By the Numbers:
Days `til the general election: 4
Days `til Halloween: 2
Days `til Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith: 202
Percent of companies that monitor employees' online activities: 63%
Percent of companies that use hidden cameras to watch employees: 15%
(Source: The Week magazine)
Number of active brain cells in Rudy Giuliani's head yesterday: 0
http://electoral-vote.com Kerry: 236 Bush: 281
Real electoral vote count: Kerry 272 (PA and MI are blue) Bush 264
CHEERS to KSTP. Great job, you guys! Twin Cities TV station has photographic proof that boomboompowder was still at Al QaQaa after we invaded: (http://www.kstp.com/article/stories/S3741.html?cat=1). `Scuse us for straying off-topic, but check their masthead...is Tom Arnold one of their anchors?
JEERS to Halliburton. They're in deep shit now. Those no-bid contracts are being investigated by the FB-frickin-I, making their shenanigans a criminal matter: http://www.theleftcoaster.com/archives/003134.html. Steve Soto calls the Bush administration "the gift that keeps on giving to Kerry/Edwards." Gee...all Kerry got them was a `Get out of DC Free' card.
CHEERS to "Yasser, That's My Boyfriend!" Look out, France---Reality TV will never be the same when The Boys swing into Paris for some platelet swapping and disco dialysis: http://a123.g.akamai.net/f/123/12465/1d/media.canada.com/cp/world/20041028/w1028100a.jpg. (But one of these hotties could be an Israeli commando. Choose wisely, Sister!)
CHEERS to the sleep-deprived. If you turn your clocks back an hour when you go to bed Saturday night you'll get an extra hour of shuteye. Or, in our household, an extra hour of C&J's chocolate lab, Molly, doing her best to roll us off the bed.
JEERS to Halos on Hold. The religious right wants Bush to win so bad that they're...well, they're bending the rules a bit: http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmdow/2004/tmdow041015.gif. That's okay...they're really more of a guide, anyway.
CHEERS to 4-Star Wedgie Masters. Wes Clark has been doing a helluva job smacking down the Repugs for their outlandish attacks on our troops fighting in Iraq. The latest: A blistering attack on Rudy Giuliani, who says our troops(!!) are responsible for the FUBAR situation at Al QaQaa: http://atrios.blogspot.com/2004/10/clark-statement-on-giuliani.html. So there's really no way to court-martial a civilian?
JEERS to Mini Myocardial Infarctions. Great---short people have a greater risk of dying after heart surgery than taller people, according to the fine folks at the Buenos Aires Cardiovascular Institute. C&J is only 5'4". It's been nice knowing y'all.
CHEERS to Halloween. We love all the spooky stuff. But some people are already sick of it: http://web.mit.edu/antkam/www/bowling_halloween.jpeg. No, no, I insist---you clean it up.
JEERS to Nirvana. Okay, the Red Sox won for the first time in 86 years. Now what the hell do we do???
CHEERS to putting 2 and 2 together. Cartoonist Dwane Powell connects the dots between the Wolves and the missing Boomboompowder: http://www.creators.com/editorial_show.cfm?comicname=dp. Coming soon--Homeland Security's perky new ad campaign: Got Kevlar?
JEERS to Bush the polluter. This picture oughtta be worth a thousand million gazillion votes for John Kerry: http://www.realcities.com/images/realcities/realcities/9910/98211835070.gif. After seeing all those bars, we need a real one. And make it a double.
CHEERS to the ladies. On October 29, 1966, the National Organization for Women (NOW) was formed. In the spirit of equality, we promise not to open a single door for you all day long.
CHEERS to lazy bastards. According to a new study published in the American Medical Athletic Association Journal, vigorous exercise triggers up to 17% of the sudden cardiac deaths in the U.S.--meaning tens of thousands of deaths a year. And doctors now think that marathons and triathlons can actually depress your immune system. So, uh...pass the Doritos and the remote.
CHEERS to good advertising. `Your Hands' TV spot is further proof that the Kerry campaign consistently produces better ads than the Bushies: http://www.johnkerry.com/tv/. They had my vote as soon as I heard "Soon the campaign will end..."
JEERS to America: Land of Equality. The 2001 recession widened the wealth gap between minorities and whites, says the Washington Post. The net worth of Black and Hispanic households fell 27 percent from 1999 to 2001. But white households gained 2 percent. Big deal---that's barely enough to pay the dry cleaning bill for the help's uniforms.
CHEERS to Galactic Teases. The first poster for `Star Wars: Episode III' is revealed here: http://www.starwars.com/episode-iii/release/promo/news20041028.html. I swear, if you look carefully you'll see the glare from Rumsfeld's glasses in there.
JEERS to public safety, Canuck-style. Man, they take their job way too seriously up there: http://www.comcen.com.au/~heretic/humour/img/caution.jpg. Better safe than sorry, I guess...but Jeez.
CHEERS to hometown heroes. On October 29, 1815, Dan Emmett---composer of the Confederacy's theme song---was born in Mount Vernon, Ohio. He's buried a block from where I used to live. Whistle Dixie past the graveyard here: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=5900983&pt=Daniel%20Emmett.
CHEERS to mysteries solved. On October 29, 1911, Joseph Pulitzer, American newspaperman, died in Charleston, SC. That explains why he never returns my calls.
Cheers and Jeers 6-month Flashback: April 29, 2004:
CHEERS to Bush slide. The latest CBS News/New York Times poll has the Preznit's overall approval rating at lowest...level...EVER. Proof that all the advertising in the world won't help if you're selling a defective product. [10/29 update: The product recall is proceeding smoothly]
CHEERS to the Kurds. New CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll shows they're our only friends in Iraq. The rest see us as occupiers, not liberators...and rude, trigger-happy occupiers at that. Picky, picky.
And just one more...
CHEERS to fantasies fulfilled. I had to change my underwear after I saw this: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Getting a Hummer Stuck! You must read their conclusion at the bottom of the page: http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/stuck/. Oops...I crapped my pants again!
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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