Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Americans, thank you. We did it. You did it. And I thank you very much.
(pause for wild cheers.)
I'd also like to thank my opponent, George W. Bush, for running a spirited and substantive campaign. I'd like to, but I can't. Because he didn't.
Ladies and gentlemen, these are things you can't say when you are running for office. I've had to act polite, you know, "I respectfully disagree," "honorable differences," kissy-kissy, all that horseshit. But that's all over now.
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Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you the truth. George Bush is a liar, a thief, and basically just a flaming ass-pirate. I can't believe you let him ever get into office. You should have been rioting in the streets four years ago when that shit went down. I really don't know what you were thinking.
And jesus, half of you were ready to vote for him again! Are you idiots? Do you have a brain? Do you? Well none of that matters anymore, because that sucker is gone. G, O, N, E, with a capital GONE.
Whew, I'm glad I can finally say all this. You don't know how long this has been bottled up inside.
I mean, he killed 1000 soldiers! Sent them to die! Do you get that? And he bombed the living hell out of 100,000 Iraqi civilians, killed them too, and what did they do wrong? Get trampled under by Saddam Hussein? I mean, what the fuck? My fellow Americans, don't even get me started.
Anyhoo, that's all over now. Under the John Kerry presidency, we are going to be safer at home, more respected yadda yadda yadda. Man, am I glad to be done saying that. You know I've been campaigning practically two freaking years now? Let me just put it this way, I took down the most evil bloodthirsty traitorous president this country has ever endured, and if that's the only thing I accomplished by the time I leave office, I'm still ranking myself right up there, as say the #2, #3 best president ever. At this point, fellow citizens, I'd say my job is pretty much done.
But that doesn't mean I'm going to rest easy. Let me tell you what you can expect when I take office in a few months.
As president, I promise you today that my first act will be to issue an executive order RESCINDING every pardon George Bush granted. Oh, yeah, you know they're coming. This guy's got more criminals on the take than congress has roaches. So hear me now, Kenny-Boy, Tom DeLay, John Ashcroft: Start packing. 'Cause you going to Guatanamo, baby. Oh yeah.
The second thing I'm going to do is to fix all this shit George Bush left us with. Saddam? I'm throwing him right back in Iraq. He knows how to keep those warlords in line, and with sanctions in place he wasn't doing nothing to nobody, no matter what Fox News told you. We're gonna take all those special forces, stormtroopers, whatever we got there, tanks and shit, we're sending them all to Al Jazeera headquarters. They know where Osama is. They probably got him in a studio somewhere. And we're taking him down. Then we're freezing all the bank accounts of the top 1%, the filthy rich, and - well, let me just put it this way. You ever see "Trading Places?" You know at the end, where Dan Aykroyd & Eddie Murphy get the champagne and those two old farts, Mortimer and somebody, are out in the street? Let's just say I've got a feeling that old big bad national debt's going to take care of itself pretty toot sweet under the Kerry administration.
Final thing, I'm going to declare it 2001 again. We lost four good years there, people. We're getting them back. So set your watches back, dig out those old calendars -- it's going to be 2001 all over again, and we're doing it right this time out.
Now, I know you've had a long day, my fellow Americans. You worked hard, you sweated it, and I appreciate that. But everything's going to be ok now. The evil one is gone, and John's here now. So go on to bed, America. And sleep well. Because everything's going to be O.K.
God bless, and good night.