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WASHINGTON DC - US President George W Bush, in a bold move, has nominated Incitatus, a horse, to replace departing Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman.  This is the first time an Equine American has ever been recommended for such a high-ranking cabinet position.

The President praised Incitatus as "an inspiration to critters all across this great nation. The horse holds an honored role in American history, and it is long past due that one of their kind should be given a place at the table, overseeing our agricultural policy".

Press Secretary Scott McClellan predicted rapid Senate confirmation of Incitatus, whom he cited as eminently qualified for the job. "The President honors loyalty above all else in his cabinet officials, and something that urban elites may not appreciate, but which is well known in the heartlands, is that you can trust a good horse to bring you home, even when you're dead drunk. If the President goes right to the source and asks the horse, he’ll give the answer that he'd endorse. He’s always on a steady course." more...

Republican leaders were quick to laud the President's choice. "This is a brilliant move, and is sure to shore up the President's credibility in rural America", said one high ranking Republican official. "It's positively Reaganesque".

Senate Democrats are anxious to avoid the appearance of being obstructionists, and indicated that they are inclined to approve the nomination, working with the president in a spirit of bi-partisanship. "Given the President's unprecedented re-election mandate, we feel that our job is to just facilitate his appointments", said a high ranking Senate Democrat.

Nevertheless, the nominee has his detractors. Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean was harshly critical of the nomination.  Dean was quoted as saying "This is outrageous. Who does this President think he is? The Emperor Caligula?" Leaders within the Democratic party quickly distanced themselves from Dean's controversial remarks.

Originally posted to It Came From Malacandra on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 11:46 PM PST.

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Comment Preferences

  •  It's satire, folks... (4.00)
    Just so you know. These days, it's hard to tell.

    That's not a mandate. This is a mandate.

    by Malacandra on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 11:38:43 PM PST

  •  it can't be true (3.83)
    bush is afraid of horses, dontcha know?
  •  Does the turkey know about this yet? (4.00)
    He thought the job was his, and I don't want to be around when they tell him.

  •  The Big Question (4.00)
    Did he kiss it?
  •  That was Caligula (4.00)
    a nicer guy

    <"Do not seek the treasure!" >

    by moon in the house of moe on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 11:47:35 PM PST

  •  Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (none)

    educate 'em when they're young

    by Chamonix on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 11:49:29 PM PST

  •  But (4.00)
    when the horse's friends heard that he was appointed by Bush, they thought it was a joke.

    "A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine." - Thomas Jefferson

    by chi mai on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 11:52:55 PM PST

  •  Most excellent (4.00)
    This diary wound up recommended!  Yay!

    So, what did one horse say to the other?

    Horse 1:  Did you hear about that voter fraud stuff?

    Horse 2:  Take off your goddamned tinfoil hat.

    Horse 1:  SHUT UP, you fucking troll.

    Horse 2:  I'm not a troll.

    Horse 1:  YES YOU ARE.  I'm from Ohio.  You'll eat your words, you dumbfuck, when the recount shows that Kerry won!

  •  Drudge Report (4.00)


    "A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine." - Thomas Jefferson

    by chi mai on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 01:03:50 AM PST

  •  Bob Guccione to direct Bush biopic (4.00)
    with George W. "Little Cowboy Boots" Bush to play himself.

    The screenwriters are busy developing the script in real time, so the brand-new "disembowelment of the CIA liberals" scene has just been written. Many of the other torture scenes have already been filmed.

    As it's expected to do better in the Red States as a DVD rental rather than theatrical release, it will be released direct-to-video.

    "Those who betray the trust...are, in my view, the most insidious of traitors." - George HW Bush

    by DavidW in SF on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 01:08:43 AM PST

  •  It used to be a cabinet post. (4.00)
    Now it's a hitching post.

    "Those who betray the trust...are, in my view, the most insidious of traitors." - George HW Bush

    by DavidW in SF on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 01:18:36 AM PST

  •  Horse to Ag Sec fitting... (4.00)
    When it comes time to discuss a move from petro based fertilizers the horse can just recommend shit.
  •  Absolutely Brilliant (none)
    This is truly the funniest thing I have read in weeks. This should be puiblished on the front page of the New York Times.
  •  Public backs Bush horse choice (4.00)
    According to the latest GALLOP poll.
  •  History on Bush's side (4.00)
    Bush's appointment of a horse has drawn widespread praise from historical characters well qualified to voice an opinion on the subject.

    "As a 17th century religious fanatic, prone to manipulating public opinion and producing a climate of fear throughout the realm, I am a great admirer of the Bush administration and my 21st century soul-mate Mr Rove in particular as they strive to return these colonies to the grace they knew in my day. A blissful state of godliness as the residents of Salem will attest."

    Titus OATS

    "Speaking from personal experience, I know that not even the possession of a horse-friendly title spares over-mighty subjects from the wrath of their heavenly-appointed ruler so I warmly endorse the choice of a horse to help the administration  in these troubled times. I advise fellow prelates not to be too meddlesome about this. Not if they know what's good for them."

    Thomas Becket, Archbishop of CANTERbury

    "I too know what it's like to get on the wrong side of a psychopathic mass murderer with no respect for human life. So I advise the people of America to treat this appointment with respect, deference and honour."

    Leon TROTsky

    "Had you all fooled. You were too busy comparing the Bush adminsitration with '1984' when you should have been reading 'Animal Farm.'"

    George Orwell

    However in a warning sign for the dear leader there were one or two contrary views expressed and these came from his traditional support in the 'heartland':

    "This is the wrong choice. Bush could have picked from any horse in history and he should have gone for the obvious choice - the greatest thoroughbred who ever raced.

    Just think how good it would have felt to be able to walk into the oval office and say "good morning, Mr Secretariat." And the rest of my family agree. We won't be voting (well, not intentionally) Republican again."

    HOSS Cartwright

    "I too think this was the wrong choice. It should have been MY horse he picked. But I guess Rove warned him the public might take it the wrong way the next time he said he had his finger on the TRIGGER."

    Roy Rogers

  •  The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas? (4.00)

    Sources report the administration is proposing a government run brothel to be situated in Waco, Texas near the President's Crawford ranch. The brothel will be staffed by (Democratic) Senators and their spouses. It is hoped that the amount of money raised through such a venture will cut the deficit in half in five years...

    I talk to God, but the sky is empty - Sylvia Plath ~ I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman - Homer Simpson

    by PBJ Diddy on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 03:37:04 AM PST

  •  Incitatus (none)
    should be Secretary of State.  He couldn't be worse than what we're getting.

    I'm a member of a minority group: the reality-based community.

    by Unstable Isotope on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 03:37:36 AM PST

  •  Well you know what they say... (4.00)
    an optomist sees Horseshit all over the place and says "there must be a pony somewhere!"

      At least we have an explanation for all the crap in this administration.

  •  I see ... (4.00)
    ... both ends of the horse, but where's the President?

    Sorceress Sarah

    It is no accident that Liberty and Liberal are the same word.

    by Sorceress Sarah on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 04:19:34 AM PST

  •  Nice (none)
    classical allusion.
  •  Yawn, old news (3.40)
    We have already had an ass in the VP slot for four years.

    "The problems of today will not be solved by the same thinking that produced the problems in the first place" - Albert Einstein

    by galiel on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 05:24:19 AM PST

  •  Bush is afraid of horses.. (none)
    Thanks for the smile.
  •  Will Colin Powell... (none)
    now be appointed to clean up after the horse? Same as he's been trying to do for Shrub, with a notable lack of success, for the last four years?

    "Free men of every generation must combat renewed efforts of organized force and greed to destroy liberty."
    --Fighting Bob La Follette

    by bramish on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 06:20:40 AM PST

  •  He's a god now (4.00)
    Early on November 3 when it was looking like Kerry was going to concede, I sent an e-mail to a friend of mine saying that Bush was going to think his narrow win was a mandate, and included an MP3 from Matthew Sweet's "Altered Beast" - the excerpt from the movie "Caligula" where Malcolm McDowell as Caligula does this memorable bit:

    "I have existed from the morning of the world and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night. Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula, I am all men as I am no man and therefore I am a God.  I shall await the unanimous decision of the council."

    All those in favor, say Aye.

    Aye! (screams Caligula when greeted by silence)

    Aye...aye...aye...aye (agree the frightened sheep).

    He's a god now.

  •  Actually (none) is reporting that he may choose a donkey, Sen. Ben Nelson of Nebraska.  I'd rather have the Senate seat on our side.
  •  That's funny cause... (none)
    Whenever my whack-a-loon friends compare Bush to Stalin or Hitler I always say that I think he's more of a Caligula.

    Let the orgies begin!

  •  Mal, where's the picture of Bush... (none)
    .. kissing the horse?
  •  Where did this come from? (none)
    Brilliant. Just what we need, another jackass.
  •  Does this mean (none)
    Bush is going to marry his sister next?

    "If hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue then compassionate conservatism is the policy hypocrisy uses to disguise economic vice." Kevin Phillips

    by hoosierspud on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 08:11:59 AM PST

  •  Little Cowboy Boots. (none)
    or ...Little Combat Boots.

    Actually I bought a copy of Caligula  a few days ago.  Helen Mirren looked lovely.  Gore Vidal, was spot on as usual.

  •  I have placed a viper in the bosom of America. (none)
    George Herbert Gnias Walker Bush:

    "God has chosen me to rule over pigs and a swineherder I have become, where are my little fishes?"

  •  Very funny, BUT... (none)
    It is believed that Caligula appointed his favorite horse to the Senate to show contempt for republican insitutions, institutions that, though hollow, had to be kept propped up so that the Romans could pretend that their country was not the totalitarian dictatorship that it was.

    Through Goss, Gonzales, and Condi, Bush does much the same.

  •  uh, like, (none)
    can i have some fours too?
  •  Bush Appoints Whores to Cabinet? (4.00)
    Whew!  I've got to get reading glasses.  And learn to spell.

    Good spelling is very important... I knew a man who spent a night in a Warehouse because he couldn't spell. -- Mark Twain

    Big Joe Helton: "I pay Plenty."
    Chico Marx: "Well, then we're Plenty Tough."

    by Caelian on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 09:29:01 AM PST

  •  makes sense (none)
    Bush has had pigs (all of them), chickens (too many to name), turkeys(Paige) and goats (Tenant) in his cabinet, why not a horse - wait, I recall a few horses asses in there already.
  •  At least he's appointing the WHOLE horse (none)
    ...unlike the horse's asses appointed to other posts.
  •  Story updated - see below... (4.00)
    Washington, DC (AP) -- In remarks to a local reporter, Senator Joseph Liebermann (D, CT) welcomed the appointment of Incitatus to the post of Secretary of Agriculture in President George W. Bush's cabinet.  The former vice-presidential candidate told the reporter "I feel it is important that the remaining Democrats in Congress act immediately to confirm this sainted creature into the cabinet.  I will be urging my colleagues to pass an appropriations bill that provides five tons of hay and sixteen bags of sugar lumps each week to the new Secretary.  I look forward to petting him and reading him the draft of my forthcoming autobiography.  For some reason I can't understand, whenever I start reading it to my fellow Democrats, they run off screaming and leap off the roof of the Capitol building."

    Insiders in the administration were unable to confirm reports that one of Incitatus's duties would be to provide daily rides to the President and his daughters, Jenna and Barbara.  According to one source "President Bush thinks it plays well with his voting base when they see him astride a beast such as Incitatus.  He has been taking guidance from an image consultant and has been instructed to shout 'Yee hah' every five minutes when riding the horse.  Our leading focus group has suggested that images of the President on horseback also appears to fans of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, as it makes him look a bit like Gandalf, only on a different colored horse, without the beard and the flowing hair and with a complete lack of magical skills.  He may also start dressing as the Lone Ranger and ride off into the sunset to fight the war on terrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Mrs Bush will not be riding the horse, as it reminds her of Dick Cheney and makes her physically sick."

    When informed of President Bush's decision, Senator John Kerry (D - MA) claimed that had he won the recent Presidential election, he would have reached out to the animal community to a far greater extent than President Bush.  "I feel that the President has missed a great chance here," commented the Senator as he returned via truck from a hunting trip that yielded twelve bears, sixteen buffalo, fifty-seven ducks and a dodo.  "Extending rights to our animal friends is an essential task for President Bush's second administration.  There's more to animals than eating them and shooting them.  Err, you didn't see the truck, right?  Good."

    Former Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards (the outgoing Senator for North Carolina) expanded on his ex-running mate's comments.  "I feel we are living in Three Americas", the son-of-a-mill-worker told a meeting of former campaign workers.  "On the one hand, there's the America that President Bush lives in.  Then there's the America that normal people live in.  And finally, there's the America inhabited by our animal friends.  What sort of country is it where ducks are unable to go to school, where eagles can't get jobs as police officers, where badgers are unable to work in the building industry and where rattlesnakes are banned from our libraries?"

    Religious groups welcomed the appointment of Incitatus.  "When the rapture comes," declared Reverend Jerry Falwell, "we will be able to hop on Incitatus' back and ride him up the stairs to Heaven.  All the liberal heathens will be left behind and will burn in Hell for all eternity.  Our trusty steed will be able to transport all True Believers on his back in a matter of seconds, whereupon they will live in peace forever."

    Reports indicate that Incitatus' first act will be to declare war on the desert kingdom of Cowtopia, where udders of mass milk production are said to be stored.  The bovine leaders of Cowtopia, Daisy and Mildred, have long been suspected of planning to flood America with cheap milk, further increasing the trade deficit.  An appropriations bill requesting an additional $50000 billion in funding will be sent to Congress tomorrow.  Republican sources expect the bill to pass quickly into law.

    "War is an option whose time has passed. Peace is the only option for the future." (Richard M. Nixon, 1983)

    by VincentVega on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 11:37:54 AM PST

  •  Just so long (none)
    as he doesn't kiss the horse.
  •  Who is that jackass in the picture with him? (none)
    Oh, that's Bush
  •  LOL! (none)
    And I need a laugh about now.

    .... But is it really legal for Tony Blair to join the cabinet?

    "You don't lead by pointing and telling people some place to go. You lead by going to that place and making a case." - Ken Kesey

    by Glinda on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 12:27:09 PM PST

  •  Caligula or Bush ? (none)
    Named Incitatus, his horse to the senate.
    Son of a respected leader, beloved by the military, went insane after reaching adulthood, tried to compare himself to God, mismanagement caused the burning of the place he governed to ashes ?

    Deja Vu.

    What's theoretical about it ??!?

    by lawnorder on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 01:03:23 PM PST

  •  Both (none)
    both ends of the horse in one picture. Neat trick.

    The Democratic party needs to adopt its own moral and values principles (clawed) My other Drunken ravings

    by cdreid on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 01:46:56 PM PST

  •  The perfect republican Cab member: (none)
    Enthusiastic advocate of combustible engine.

    Has helped triple the size of the ozone hole (though Beef-a-Roni habit).

    Will only nod in response to Prez' request for opinion; has no opinion of his own.

    Feels lucky that Al Sharpton is riding someone else as far as it will take him.

  •  Don't underestimate (none)
    the intelligence of our equine friends...perhaps this newly appointed member will say "neigh" to some of the more ridiculous proposals of the Chief1

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